Through the Shadow of Doubt

It's Sunday... it's snowing... Anina is coming back today...

I have been feeling so good, almost as if my body had completed something, almost as if these cysts had already disappeared. For two days I had not been able to feel them as I had in the past... Was it possible that within one cycle, from one period to the next they had undone themselves?

But then this morning, upon waking up, there was a slight twinge. And I was wondering if I had been mistaken. What if they are still there? What if they have not shrunk at all? All of a sudden I felt attached to an outcome, attached to "success", attached to be able to celebrate my body, attached to be free. All of a sudden there was the possibility of "failure", all of a sudden it became something I could have done "not good enough".

Jimmy, very sweetly, tried to talk me out of it. Eliciting from me patiently all the good things I had received out of this experience. But that was not the point. I did know that. I didn't regret this time. I still valued it. I was just worried about the result, or lack thereof.

Ahhhh... well, maybe that's one more Journey I need to do.

Although, as I sit here right now, and I have allowed these shadows of some old fears to be here... they dissolve. I am breathing... and all is well. I am feeling the peace, the deep relaxation of trusting this larger journey I am on. Can I REALLY trust that whatever happens is orchestrated for my highest good? ...that it all is formed out of nothing but love? Yes? Yes. The truth of this awareness is seeping into my heart, into my body, right this very moment... I don't know why this makes me cry right now.

The pain of forgetting maybe. The relief of knowing again. The sweet embrace of something wonderful that is hard to name.


Jimmy just got back from getting the groceries. Now he is bustling in the kitchen putting things away. Am I not so, so very lucky? How much gratitude can my heart carry?

Melissa called this morning to ask what day would be good to come and help me out. Jenny has also put in an offer. My parents have made a donation toward all my healing expenses. My cousin called from Germany with more insights into my condition. My journey family has stood by my side. Gabrielle has offered to help me organize my desk. Annabel to declutter other key areas of my home... how much gratitude can I bear?

Tomorrow I am speaking with Doris, who was recommended by Christiane Northroop. I will also hear back from Dr Timmins. Tuesday I am going back to see Cindy one more time. Then one more Massage with Patrice and my month will be over.

I am feeling better again.

I will remember this.

So much love!!
Tomma