Becoming Selfish

.

It's amazing the ways in which those little things show up that I have never paid much attention to.

This morning I was ready to get up and bring Anina to school and stay at the farm store for 45 min so I could go to my meditation group, which I figured would be a good thing for me to be doing today.

Then Jimmy offered to drive Anina and come back in time, so I could stay in bed a little longer and rest. I accepted that. I did get up to get the fire going and help the two of them get out of the house in time... but went straight back to bed after they left.

As I laid there I heard Kathleen, my sweet housekeeper come in downstairs and I remembered that I had forgotten to get glass and bathroom cleaner for her. I also had not straightened out the kitchen enough so that she could just use her time cleaning without the need to tidy up first. So I went downstairs to apologize. Being the caring person she is, she shooed me right back into bed.

I still had to call Jimmy on his cell to ask him to bring glass cleaner though. Of course his phone wasn't working right and obviously didn't ring, because he just didn't pick up. I kept trying.

By 8:30 he called himself to check in with me and the urgent glass cleaner purchase could be delegated.

It got to be 8:45 and I would have to get up to get ready to go to the meditation group, and I felt this heaviness in my limbs, my body just did not want to move. It was not that was feeling bad and couldn't get up, it was more that I was sooo happy to be laying down. Then the thoughts started nagging: Lilia would really like to see me, they can't watch the buddhist teaching if I don't bring my laptop, I have already stayed at home last week, meditating is really good for me... ... After a while I just stopped myself. What was I doing? Was I listening to my body? Had I not promised to be listening to my body above anything else? Would I be going for them, or for myself if I went?

A little more pausing and breathing and then I picked up the phone and called and left a message I would not be coming.

It seems such a little thing, but this stuff gets big when you do it all the time.

Learning to be selfish. Healthily selfish. What a curious experience!

Much Love,
Tomma