Into the Hormones and the Bones

Wow, another BIG day today.
It has two parts.


First I saw Beth Netter up at the Center for Integrative Health and Healing, the very place I will be starting to work at very soon. So happy these are the people I am connecting with. Of course I have talked to them, and heard their intentions and seen their integrity and commitment in my interactions with them... but to experience the whole thing as a patient really brings it home.

And Beth is just totally wonderful.

Yes, I do have a little guilt and worry spending all this money on myself... $100 here, $180 there, another $125 at that place... and so on... it adds up. Am I being indulgent? Do I have the right to be indulgent? Is it frivolous maybe? Some old ghosts are still spooking around in that subject.

I breathe and let it happen. Now and then I have to cry a few tears over receiving so much from so many sides. I always used to get by with so little needs, with so little expenses... when something came up I would jump in and take care of it and do a journey for myself... not so now.

Back to my morning... Beth gave me lovely pill things to take... that my body had said 'yes' to, but more so, she so kindly and thoroughly takes in the whole person that is me... soon we will do some saliva and blood tests to evaluate my hormone levels, she was totally in alignment that this would be really important to look at and to rebalance. For now: Evening Primrose Oil, Liquid Vitamin B Complex, chewable Liquorice tablets, Liver Cleanse, ground flax seeds, and Flax seed oil... mmmm... nice.



My second event was rather intense: work with Cindy Dodge. She has the 'label' of a physical therapist, but brings much, much more than that... some of the different strands in my journeys tied together today.

That "bubble" that moves around in the middle of my belly, the one I wondered whether it might one of the cysts started moving again today... soon there was a spot revealed that Cindy zeroed in on: whooe, that hurt!... she hit the same kind of pain that I went through in the emergency room, and as she was tapping in on more and more spots... first inside the belly, then along the bones, the right pelvic, the pubic and the left side bones too, my body was going into some deep release... And as she was opening up these spots, intuitive questions were asked that tied... into the past life rape I had 'for some reason' just told her about... the girls, was it that they were a part of this experience?... in what way? ...and Jimmy, wasn't he there too? ? ? It came in little shattered pieces, and then bit by bit, it fell into place... for each of them ... with a burst of tears and pain and recognition of some yet deeper buried memory... how.. yes... they had been there... more pictures and flashes of that event... and my bones letting go... my body letting more of it go.

Astonishing.

And then we landed on the familiar question of: why do I always need to take care of other people... and where did that start? That questions that has already received so many answers. I related the discoveries from my last Journey, the one I actually never fully described to you... a Journey that grew with me through the entire week afterwards... and I gave her the picture of the hands holding me after I was born, and the pain of the disconnection I felt in my body... and she asked: what had it been like in the womb? That too I had remembered very clearly and could describe it to her... her suggestion to bring those very qualities into my own uterus seems almost logical, but was something that had never occurred to me. I could feel something beginning to shift, something beginning to come to center, and I thought: Oh, of course, this is what needs to happen! ... and when she said: and bring yourself in there... it stopped! All I heard was: do I have the right? do I deserve this? - Wow!

That too had to be traced back. Again the answers came in little broken pieces while Cindy kept working the spots on the bones. Egypt... long ago... I did something... something that hurt a lot of people.... misuse of power? yes... and unconscious actions. No clear images. Just a strong sense present in that moment. And then another wave of recognition. The Jewish people. It had something to do with the Jewish people when they were still in Egypt! Oh, God!

Somehow I realized later in that life what I had done. And I cursed myself? I turned my own power against myself? I punished myself... Yes. Tears always seem to come as a confirmation.

Not all of you know my recent discovery of the guilt I have been carrying, very unconsciously, with me from what I thought was my genetic German heritage and the atrocities against the Jews during the Nazi Regime... (it's a longer story...) but now, all of a sudden, it all dated far, far, farther back... an image of a small mountain in a dry treeless land, and very light colored rocks I am walking on in cross strapped leather sandals... I can hear the sound of those rocks under my feet... the dry air in my lungs... climbing up there is very significant... I have seen that image more than once in the past years and never knew where to place it. This is where it belongs.

And this is where it ended. For now.


Back home I was dazed. All of it starting to recede into the past and seeming a bit surreal.

My body though very tired.

Doing the necessities mechanically. Remembering to take my peroxide.
Making a very hot salt foot bath and a warm castor oil pack for myself.
Taking my new pills.
Resting.
Feeding the fire.

Love.
Tomma