Thank you everybody for your sweet words of encouragement, love and empathy!!! I have taken it all in.
This morning I woke up and thought: somehow this doctor yesterday had been really vague in his description. He had used words like "pretty much the same", and "not really any change" but he had not give me hard numbers to compare, he hadn't said: 'look, this cyst was x centimeters here at the longest extension and it is still exactly the same here. And this one was y cm across then and this is what it measures now...'' He didn't say anything like that. No hard data. He showed me the 10 cm length on a ruler, and then added it "might" be even longer than that. And then kept explaining how hard it is to compare a sonogram to an MRI. Doesn't an MRI give dimensions? Aren't the dimensions of the sonogram very accurate? Either that thing IS 10 cm long now, or it isn't.
So I began to think that he may have looked at these two imaging results with his frame of reference and experience that cysts like that just don't shrink, and possibly dismissed some of the more subtle differences, might not have even looked for them.
I got up and called Fairview Hospital to get from them the longest dimensions of the cyst as they had measured it over a month ago, also to have them send the results to Beth Netter at the Center in Delmar. Unfortunately the radiology department is not staffed over the weekend, so I have to wait until Monday, BUT they assured me they will be able to give me those numbers over the phone. I will do the same with Albany Med. So, on Monday it seems I should be able to put some clear numbers next to each other and see what has really happened. And if there is just a small difference that will actually be enough! It will tell me that something HAS happened. That the body has responded, and that the growth is reversed.
Somehow that is still what I believe is happening.
These cysts have been growing slowly. Not like Brandon's tumor that grew explosively bigger by the week. Fast growth, fast reversal. Slow growth, slower turnaround. Either, cells replicate quickly, or they don't. Healing then happens in the same time proportion. Of course! How could it be otherwise?
This may be more than anything else an opportunity for me to trust my own perception, even against medical authority, and seemingly conclusive results.
I will keep you posted.
Love
Tomma
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Friday, February 27, 2009
New Sonogram Results
Just got back from Albany Med.
Well, I am disappointed. There is not the significant change I had been hoping for, the change I had almost expected.
The radiologist who came in to go over the results with me, concluded there was really no change at all... my small hope is that could still come out different when Dr Timmins looks at the findings maybe with his own expertise. Maybe when he compares this sonogram to the one taken in Fairview Hospital. The longest dimension of the fluid one is still at 10 cm. The dermoid one is a bit disputed, because the woman doing the sonogram measured it as somewhat smaller, but the radiologist thinks there is a section beyond what she identified that is still part of it, and if so, then it also has not changed much at all.
I was so excited to go this morning. I am not sure what this means now.
Got to let this sink in.
.
Well, I am disappointed. There is not the significant change I had been hoping for, the change I had almost expected.
The radiologist who came in to go over the results with me, concluded there was really no change at all... my small hope is that could still come out different when Dr Timmins looks at the findings maybe with his own expertise. Maybe when he compares this sonogram to the one taken in Fairview Hospital. The longest dimension of the fluid one is still at 10 cm. The dermoid one is a bit disputed, because the woman doing the sonogram measured it as somewhat smaller, but the radiologist thinks there is a section beyond what she identified that is still part of it, and if so, then it also has not changed much at all.
I was so excited to go this morning. I am not sure what this means now.
Got to let this sink in.
.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Hydrogen Peroxide Treatment
For anybody who wants to know more about Hydrogen Peroxide, here are a few articles to read:
The first contains a detailed recommendation for using it.
http://educate-yourself.org/cancer/benefitsofhydrogenperozide17jul03.shtml
http://educate-yourself.org/cn/hydrogenperoxidecancertherapybookexcerpt.shtml
http://www.cancertutor.com/Cancer/HydrogenPeroxide.html
http://www.garynull.com/Documents/Arthritis/Hydrogen_Peroxide_Therapy.htm
http://www.the-natural-path.com/hydrogen-peroxide-therapy.html
On this site they also recommend taking it with milk and certain juices.
I am now on my 12th day and would be up to 18 drops three times a day. I chose yesterday to slow down my intake as I was getting slightly nauseous. I can feel the peroxide in my body, mostly in my abdomen, where I can detect something like a low buzz. It feels like action. This is different from the pulling, and twinging sensation the cysts were doing through the earlier part of this month. Jimmy, who has been suffering from Candida for many years has started detoxing on a much lower dosage and is also taking it slow. Detox, or healing crisis is a good sign that things are happening. You don't ever want to make the mistake to stop the treatment during such a transition.
This is where I ordered my peroxide (Get a dropper bottle with it, unless you have one already) :
You get it in many other places too.
http://www.dfwx.com/h2o2.htm?gclid=CLzWncX4w5gCFQMnGgodWHDb1g
.
The first contains a detailed recommendation for using it.
http://educate-yourself.org/cancer/benefitsofhydrogenperozide17jul03.shtml
http://educate-yourself.org/cn/hydrogenperoxidecancertherapybookexcerpt.shtml
http://www.cancertutor.com/Cancer/HydrogenPeroxide.html
http://www.garynull.com/Documents/Arthritis/Hydrogen_Peroxide_Therapy.htm
http://www.the-natural-path.com/hydrogen-peroxide-therapy.html
On this site they also recommend taking it with milk and certain juices.
I am now on my 12th day and would be up to 18 drops three times a day. I chose yesterday to slow down my intake as I was getting slightly nauseous. I can feel the peroxide in my body, mostly in my abdomen, where I can detect something like a low buzz. It feels like action. This is different from the pulling, and twinging sensation the cysts were doing through the earlier part of this month. Jimmy, who has been suffering from Candida for many years has started detoxing on a much lower dosage and is also taking it slow. Detox, or healing crisis is a good sign that things are happening. You don't ever want to make the mistake to stop the treatment during such a transition.
This is where I ordered my peroxide (Get a dropper bottle with it, unless you have one already) :
You get it in many other places too.
http://www.dfwx.com/h2o2.htm?gclid=CLzWncX4w5gCFQMnGgodWHDb1g
.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Cindy today
Wow, this work really digs deep each time!
Coming home I was again, as last week totally whipped.
I filled her in on what had been happening, and she dug back into the pelvis and pulled up what was still sitting there.
The 5 year old me made the beginning. What she was afraid of, what she had needed, and what did she want now... not too much news here and neither any big new revelations, but she reached back and pulled up a handful of strings that all led back to other lifetimes, and as she pulled, they were released from they place of lodging and started floating up like a gaggle of kites, rising into the air. This seemed rather too effortless. Could it all be this easy now? Was it all freed up already? Somehow it wasn't complete yet.
And then we started on a journey into the distant pasts of other lifetimes. First in brief and alternating flashes. Morsels of the strands of life she was tied to: more pieces of being a victim, alternating with some where I was the perpetrator, not only in Egypt. As if layer by layer old stuff was being shed.
This sequence then turned into more elaborately told stories and of old themes:
First being a judge. Seeing myself in a black robe, residing over the law, over right and wrong, guilty and not guilty, deciding fate . Somehow I was invested in this role, but deep within the sharade of this game became visible. The impossibility of this attempt. Was it that I felt this myself at the time, or that now it became clear in the process of letting it go? That I don't know. All of this is such a fluid process, body, spirit and mind dancing a dance of liberation together, hand in hand. Sometimes not all feet are on the ground and one carries the other... Cindy pushes a spot, and the body speaks, pain, real physical pain lifts the lid into the past, pictures show up, the body releases, energy flows, the spirit guides the words being spoken, and through it all the mind receives a new understanding of something that is ready to be brought into consciousness.
Next as a soldier in battle with sword and shield. Defending nothing but more illusions with his life. Safety, protection, honor, power. All this bloodshed, for what?
Then some spots on the right side. Intense pain. About being a mother. God, what pain! A child I lost. In India. The illness, the hope the struggle, the grief. The disbelief, how could this happen? Why had I been so punished? It felt like a sentence from the Gods, a judgement. An event that shock up my then entire belief. That Indian self had thought she had done everything so well, her religious practice had been flawless, she had done everything she knew how, and she had felt rewarded, with a wealthy husband and beautiful daughter... and then everything crumbled. The husband distanced himself and then let go of me. I was degraded, replaced and later thrown out of the house... It don't know the laws of the ancient Indian society, but it seems I ended that life as an outcast in the streets.
As if the wails that escaped my lungs came right out of her throat. What was released here? It seems the wall that came down, the disconnection and insidious doubt, the distrust of the divine... and the powerlessness of being locked into the relentless laws of social ranking.
Over to the left. Here I found myself in Africa. Again a mother. Again a child was lost. This was a boy. He simply disappeared. Gone from one day to the next. Inexplicably. He had been my badge of honor. The firstborn son of the tribe chief, I his first wife. When he disappeared all of that went with it. My postion, my standing. All I could feel was absence of... all I heard was silent emptiness, not even pain, disorientation. Later it all turned into bitter inner battle. Groaning sounds gurgling out of my throat. The jealousy of the woman who took MY place, the pain of being a nobody when I should have been her, the rage, the anger, the attempts to curse her, spell her, and make her fall... and oh, the hatred I vomited into the earth, the withdrawl from her sacred all-giving presence, only wanting to cut myself from her earth-womb. And hating my own femaleness itself. - More painful disconnection.
Finally a return to center. Who am I a my core? What brings me back there? Stepping clear beyond the duality of being in power and being a victim, leaving both behind... The time of suffering is over. Am I ready? The me emerging carries so much less matter, is made up of so much more space.
At the very end I heard a piece of choral music, one I sung myself when I was young. I believe from the Brahms Requiem: "... von nun an..." from now on... I don't even remember what follows, but I heard the message: a new time is starting for me now. It starts now. Tears of gratitude... or love... or ...
What a month!!
Today is the 24th. Again.
Coming home I was again, as last week totally whipped.
I filled her in on what had been happening, and she dug back into the pelvis and pulled up what was still sitting there.
The 5 year old me made the beginning. What she was afraid of, what she had needed, and what did she want now... not too much news here and neither any big new revelations, but she reached back and pulled up a handful of strings that all led back to other lifetimes, and as she pulled, they were released from they place of lodging and started floating up like a gaggle of kites, rising into the air. This seemed rather too effortless. Could it all be this easy now? Was it all freed up already? Somehow it wasn't complete yet.
And then we started on a journey into the distant pasts of other lifetimes. First in brief and alternating flashes. Morsels of the strands of life she was tied to: more pieces of being a victim, alternating with some where I was the perpetrator, not only in Egypt. As if layer by layer old stuff was being shed.
This sequence then turned into more elaborately told stories and of old themes:
First being a judge. Seeing myself in a black robe, residing over the law, over right and wrong, guilty and not guilty, deciding fate . Somehow I was invested in this role, but deep within the sharade of this game became visible. The impossibility of this attempt. Was it that I felt this myself at the time, or that now it became clear in the process of letting it go? That I don't know. All of this is such a fluid process, body, spirit and mind dancing a dance of liberation together, hand in hand. Sometimes not all feet are on the ground and one carries the other... Cindy pushes a spot, and the body speaks, pain, real physical pain lifts the lid into the past, pictures show up, the body releases, energy flows, the spirit guides the words being spoken, and through it all the mind receives a new understanding of something that is ready to be brought into consciousness.
Next as a soldier in battle with sword and shield. Defending nothing but more illusions with his life. Safety, protection, honor, power. All this bloodshed, for what?
Then some spots on the right side. Intense pain. About being a mother. God, what pain! A child I lost. In India. The illness, the hope the struggle, the grief. The disbelief, how could this happen? Why had I been so punished? It felt like a sentence from the Gods, a judgement. An event that shock up my then entire belief. That Indian self had thought she had done everything so well, her religious practice had been flawless, she had done everything she knew how, and she had felt rewarded, with a wealthy husband and beautiful daughter... and then everything crumbled. The husband distanced himself and then let go of me. I was degraded, replaced and later thrown out of the house... It don't know the laws of the ancient Indian society, but it seems I ended that life as an outcast in the streets.
As if the wails that escaped my lungs came right out of her throat. What was released here? It seems the wall that came down, the disconnection and insidious doubt, the distrust of the divine... and the powerlessness of being locked into the relentless laws of social ranking.
Over to the left. Here I found myself in Africa. Again a mother. Again a child was lost. This was a boy. He simply disappeared. Gone from one day to the next. Inexplicably. He had been my badge of honor. The firstborn son of the tribe chief, I his first wife. When he disappeared all of that went with it. My postion, my standing. All I could feel was absence of... all I heard was silent emptiness, not even pain, disorientation. Later it all turned into bitter inner battle. Groaning sounds gurgling out of my throat. The jealousy of the woman who took MY place, the pain of being a nobody when I should have been her, the rage, the anger, the attempts to curse her, spell her, and make her fall... and oh, the hatred I vomited into the earth, the withdrawl from her sacred all-giving presence, only wanting to cut myself from her earth-womb. And hating my own femaleness itself. - More painful disconnection.
Finally a return to center. Who am I a my core? What brings me back there? Stepping clear beyond the duality of being in power and being a victim, leaving both behind... The time of suffering is over. Am I ready? The me emerging carries so much less matter, is made up of so much more space.
At the very end I heard a piece of choral music, one I sung myself when I was young. I believe from the Brahms Requiem: "... von nun an..." from now on... I don't even remember what follows, but I heard the message: a new time is starting for me now. It starts now. Tears of gratitude... or love... or ...
What a month!!
Today is the 24th. Again.
Doris part two
Now the second part. I asked her about the entire string of memories connected to the guilt toward the Jewish people. Specifically I was curious if she could see more about that last former self in Egypt. And she did, saw me indeed in that lifetime as a member of the royal family, where I had in this position possessed unrestricted power over other people. Those strong words my past self had spoken at the campfire to the ones who gathered, the "unspeakable" horror of what I felt I had done, she saw reflected here as pure cruel experimentation with human life and total disregard of the dignity and sanctity of the people I ordered to be used. She didn't use these exact words to describe it, but I got the picture. And that's why it was so "unspeakable", because it happened without any larger "purpose" or pressure, just out of curiosity and utter absence of consciousness.
Doris, very kindly and wisely pointed out that this information is not here to increase the guilt I am carrying, but for the clarity and understanding of the balance that life seeks... meaning those of us who are currently here doing service and working on the side of the "light", have very often been just as much on the side of the "dark" in the past. Not that I didn't believe this before, it was good to be reminded at this very time.
It was a good session. I have much of it recorded and can go back and pick up more details. When so much is exchanged, some aspects recede into a fog.
Now I need to get ready to go to Cindy's one more time.
Life is good.
LOVE!
Tomma
Doris, very kindly and wisely pointed out that this information is not here to increase the guilt I am carrying, but for the clarity and understanding of the balance that life seeks... meaning those of us who are currently here doing service and working on the side of the "light", have very often been just as much on the side of the "dark" in the past. Not that I didn't believe this before, it was good to be reminded at this very time.
It was a good session. I have much of it recorded and can go back and pick up more details. When so much is exchanged, some aspects recede into a fog.
Now I need to get ready to go to Cindy's one more time.
Life is good.
LOVE!
Tomma
Monday, February 23, 2009
Doris Cohen
My Session with Doris Cohen.
Well first the physical fact, which in my session came at the very end: She sees both cysts shrunk by at least a third. She sees no threat or any presence of cancer anywhere. She sees the fluid one just collapsing totally into itself. She sees the solid one getting smaller and smaller, but feels it may be a very healing experience to actually physically take it out of the body when it is small enough to do it with the tube thing. Physically removing the old manifestation of consciousness.
She works with guides and angles who show her images that relate to the various parts of the issue.
First thing she saw was a 5 year old me, very scared. This it turns out may not have been a past life experience, but from my actual childhood. A man touching me inappropriately and a woman covering it up and telling me not to speak about it. Not my mother. If this actually happened, it has been very well buried. No conscious memory is left anywhere. What fits though is the first piece of memory that came up in the Journey that later uncovered the rape, because at first I saw myself as also five years old, desperately kicking someone away in my defense. Hmmm. Only later at the campfire did my age change.
It may not be important to find out "the truth" of what happened, more importantly to understand the energy that's been locked in my pelvic region.
More past life scenarios became visible to her. Around shutting down sexuality. From being a monk, to being harrased by schoolboys in uniform, to a mother in the middle ages who abused me every which way possible. It was quite a line up.
Doris gave me a lot of short and potent exercises to clear this stuff out further. Interesting here that she works with numbers. 40 being a major one. 40 preceding any major change or transformation, whether that was the Jews in the desert before they reached the promised land, Jesus fasting before he went onto the cross, the days the seven plagues lasted... all major changes preceded by a repetition of 40 days. So: repetition of damaging experiences throughout various lifetimes needs to be responded to with repetition of healing in order to extract the energy completely. Hmmm. That was a new concept to me, but one that makes sense.
I have to take a break here to get dinner going with Anina's help... there is one more piece that is interesting to share and I will do that later...
Well first the physical fact, which in my session came at the very end: She sees both cysts shrunk by at least a third. She sees no threat or any presence of cancer anywhere. She sees the fluid one just collapsing totally into itself. She sees the solid one getting smaller and smaller, but feels it may be a very healing experience to actually physically take it out of the body when it is small enough to do it with the tube thing. Physically removing the old manifestation of consciousness.
She works with guides and angles who show her images that relate to the various parts of the issue.
First thing she saw was a 5 year old me, very scared. This it turns out may not have been a past life experience, but from my actual childhood. A man touching me inappropriately and a woman covering it up and telling me not to speak about it. Not my mother. If this actually happened, it has been very well buried. No conscious memory is left anywhere. What fits though is the first piece of memory that came up in the Journey that later uncovered the rape, because at first I saw myself as also five years old, desperately kicking someone away in my defense. Hmmm. Only later at the campfire did my age change.
It may not be important to find out "the truth" of what happened, more importantly to understand the energy that's been locked in my pelvic region.
More past life scenarios became visible to her. Around shutting down sexuality. From being a monk, to being harrased by schoolboys in uniform, to a mother in the middle ages who abused me every which way possible. It was quite a line up.
Doris gave me a lot of short and potent exercises to clear this stuff out further. Interesting here that she works with numbers. 40 being a major one. 40 preceding any major change or transformation, whether that was the Jews in the desert before they reached the promised land, Jesus fasting before he went onto the cross, the days the seven plagues lasted... all major changes preceded by a repetition of 40 days. So: repetition of damaging experiences throughout various lifetimes needs to be responded to with repetition of healing in order to extract the energy completely. Hmmm. That was a new concept to me, but one that makes sense.
I have to take a break here to get dinner going with Anina's help... there is one more piece that is interesting to share and I will do that later...
Appointments
Quick update:
Got a call from Gail at Dr Timmins office. Yes, he has apparently agreed to the sonogram idea, as I have been given an appointment at Albany Med for this Friday at 10:30 am. Surprisingly he doesn't seem to feel we need to make any urgent decisions about any possible surgery, because my follow up appointment with him at his office is not until March 16th! That's over two weeks later! Hmmm... I was expecting to see him right on the same, or the very next day. Hmmm...
I think I am going to take this as a very good sign.
When my appointment with Doris had to be postponed because they wouldn't let me leave at the Oral Surgeon's place, I had fist been worried about not getting her help in the beginning of my retreat. But then I came to the realization that it must for some reason be the better thing happening for me. And what that translated into was: I don't need her help as urgently as I thought, I can, my body can, the universe can do this perfectly without her.
So, here too. If this is what the universe has planned for me, it must be because I really wont have to make an urgent decision. I take it it will be clear.
This afternoon I may already learn more about the current state of my belly as I am speaking to Doris.
I will report promptly.
Much love, my wonderful friends!!!
Tomma
Got a call from Gail at Dr Timmins office. Yes, he has apparently agreed to the sonogram idea, as I have been given an appointment at Albany Med for this Friday at 10:30 am. Surprisingly he doesn't seem to feel we need to make any urgent decisions about any possible surgery, because my follow up appointment with him at his office is not until March 16th! That's over two weeks later! Hmmm... I was expecting to see him right on the same, or the very next day. Hmmm...
I think I am going to take this as a very good sign.
When my appointment with Doris had to be postponed because they wouldn't let me leave at the Oral Surgeon's place, I had fist been worried about not getting her help in the beginning of my retreat. But then I came to the realization that it must for some reason be the better thing happening for me. And what that translated into was: I don't need her help as urgently as I thought, I can, my body can, the universe can do this perfectly without her.
So, here too. If this is what the universe has planned for me, it must be because I really wont have to make an urgent decision. I take it it will be clear.
This afternoon I may already learn more about the current state of my belly as I am speaking to Doris.
I will report promptly.
Much love, my wonderful friends!!!
Tomma
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Through the Shadow of Doubt
It's Sunday... it's snowing... Anina is coming back today...
I have been feeling so good, almost as if my body had completed something, almost as if these cysts had already disappeared. For two days I had not been able to feel them as I had in the past... Was it possible that within one cycle, from one period to the next they had undone themselves?
But then this morning, upon waking up, there was a slight twinge. And I was wondering if I had been mistaken. What if they are still there? What if they have not shrunk at all? All of a sudden I felt attached to an outcome, attached to "success", attached to be able to celebrate my body, attached to be free. All of a sudden there was the possibility of "failure", all of a sudden it became something I could have done "not good enough".
Jimmy, very sweetly, tried to talk me out of it. Eliciting from me patiently all the good things I had received out of this experience. But that was not the point. I did know that. I didn't regret this time. I still valued it. I was just worried about the result, or lack thereof.
Ahhhh... well, maybe that's one more Journey I need to do.
Although, as I sit here right now, and I have allowed these shadows of some old fears to be here... they dissolve. I am breathing... and all is well. I am feeling the peace, the deep relaxation of trusting this larger journey I am on. Can I REALLY trust that whatever happens is orchestrated for my highest good? ...that it all is formed out of nothing but love? Yes? Yes. The truth of this awareness is seeping into my heart, into my body, right this very moment... I don't know why this makes me cry right now.
The pain of forgetting maybe. The relief of knowing again. The sweet embrace of something wonderful that is hard to name.
Jimmy just got back from getting the groceries. Now he is bustling in the kitchen putting things away. Am I not so, so very lucky? How much gratitude can my heart carry?
Melissa called this morning to ask what day would be good to come and help me out. Jenny has also put in an offer. My parents have made a donation toward all my healing expenses. My cousin called from Germany with more insights into my condition. My journey family has stood by my side. Gabrielle has offered to help me organize my desk. Annabel to declutter other key areas of my home... how much gratitude can I bear?
Tomorrow I am speaking with Doris, who was recommended by Christiane Northroop. I will also hear back from Dr Timmins. Tuesday I am going back to see Cindy one more time. Then one more Massage with Patrice and my month will be over.
I am feeling better again.
I will remember this.
So much love!!
Tomma
I have been feeling so good, almost as if my body had completed something, almost as if these cysts had already disappeared. For two days I had not been able to feel them as I had in the past... Was it possible that within one cycle, from one period to the next they had undone themselves?
But then this morning, upon waking up, there was a slight twinge. And I was wondering if I had been mistaken. What if they are still there? What if they have not shrunk at all? All of a sudden I felt attached to an outcome, attached to "success", attached to be able to celebrate my body, attached to be free. All of a sudden there was the possibility of "failure", all of a sudden it became something I could have done "not good enough".
Jimmy, very sweetly, tried to talk me out of it. Eliciting from me patiently all the good things I had received out of this experience. But that was not the point. I did know that. I didn't regret this time. I still valued it. I was just worried about the result, or lack thereof.
Ahhhh... well, maybe that's one more Journey I need to do.
Although, as I sit here right now, and I have allowed these shadows of some old fears to be here... they dissolve. I am breathing... and all is well. I am feeling the peace, the deep relaxation of trusting this larger journey I am on. Can I REALLY trust that whatever happens is orchestrated for my highest good? ...that it all is formed out of nothing but love? Yes? Yes. The truth of this awareness is seeping into my heart, into my body, right this very moment... I don't know why this makes me cry right now.
The pain of forgetting maybe. The relief of knowing again. The sweet embrace of something wonderful that is hard to name.
Jimmy just got back from getting the groceries. Now he is bustling in the kitchen putting things away. Am I not so, so very lucky? How much gratitude can my heart carry?
Melissa called this morning to ask what day would be good to come and help me out. Jenny has also put in an offer. My parents have made a donation toward all my healing expenses. My cousin called from Germany with more insights into my condition. My journey family has stood by my side. Gabrielle has offered to help me organize my desk. Annabel to declutter other key areas of my home... how much gratitude can I bear?
Tomorrow I am speaking with Doris, who was recommended by Christiane Northroop. I will also hear back from Dr Timmins. Tuesday I am going back to see Cindy one more time. Then one more Massage with Patrice and my month will be over.
I am feeling better again.
I will remember this.
So much love!!
Tomma
Friday, February 20, 2009
One more Week
Today (Thursday) I hardly felt anything in my belly. Usually, over the past three and a half weeks, there has been some kind of a sensation or another. Always something going on in there. I have been thinking it might indeed be a sign that something IS changing, and at a faster rate than what has happened over the past two years or so when these two cysts have been growing ever so slowly.
Sometime next week I should get scheduled for the second MRI. The office at the Women's Cancer Care doesn't seem very much on top of my case... they have not called me back for the second day in a row. I take it I am not a high priority item. I wanted to find out if it might not make sense to get a sonogram first, before rushing straight into a second MRI... anticipating that my two 'visitors' have shrunk considerably... at least that's what it feeeeeels like. My own logic being that if a sonogram shows that shrinking has occurred, I might not need another MRI. Let alone surgery. But I'd already be happy to skip the noise attack of the imaging tube.
Thinking back to last week when Susan was here, I remember seeing them as about apple size. Today, as I am tuning into my intuitive size assessment, they seem not much bigger than a walnut and pretty shriveled. But do I know this for sure? Of course not. Could something inside of me be making this up? I just don't know.
Annabel was here again today for more sitting by the fire drinking tea and cooking dinner for Jimmy and me. It's been so sweet having her here every week, a touchstone and support.
I did book Aninas flight to Berlin AND my next trip to Hamburg!! I didn't even think about if I would have enough time to recover from surgery while searching for a low fare. Only this morning I paused for a bit. Can I really just assume I am not going under the knife? Well, it just seems more real, I just really believe that wont happen. So I went ahead and did it: I am leaving on April 14th for three weeks.
Yesterday I had another Journey. Wow, I am getting loaded! It perfectly tied in to my work with Cindy... my former Egyptian self showed up at the campfire and really needed to be forgiven, for what I still don't really know, but she clearly did and had some serious words, some excruciatingly deep remorse to express to my present self and to the people she had hurt all those centuries back... a large group, hundreds of them stood there in their robes and listened. "For the sake of humanity, for peace among human beings, we forgive you." This is what one of their elders, with a long white beard and wrinkled face said at the end.
It is late, I need to go to bed.
Good night my dear, dear friends!!
Tomma
Sometime next week I should get scheduled for the second MRI. The office at the Women's Cancer Care doesn't seem very much on top of my case... they have not called me back for the second day in a row. I take it I am not a high priority item. I wanted to find out if it might not make sense to get a sonogram first, before rushing straight into a second MRI... anticipating that my two 'visitors' have shrunk considerably... at least that's what it feeeeeels like. My own logic being that if a sonogram shows that shrinking has occurred, I might not need another MRI. Let alone surgery. But I'd already be happy to skip the noise attack of the imaging tube.
Thinking back to last week when Susan was here, I remember seeing them as about apple size. Today, as I am tuning into my intuitive size assessment, they seem not much bigger than a walnut and pretty shriveled. But do I know this for sure? Of course not. Could something inside of me be making this up? I just don't know.
Annabel was here again today for more sitting by the fire drinking tea and cooking dinner for Jimmy and me. It's been so sweet having her here every week, a touchstone and support.
I did book Aninas flight to Berlin AND my next trip to Hamburg!! I didn't even think about if I would have enough time to recover from surgery while searching for a low fare. Only this morning I paused for a bit. Can I really just assume I am not going under the knife? Well, it just seems more real, I just really believe that wont happen. So I went ahead and did it: I am leaving on April 14th for three weeks.
Yesterday I had another Journey. Wow, I am getting loaded! It perfectly tied in to my work with Cindy... my former Egyptian self showed up at the campfire and really needed to be forgiven, for what I still don't really know, but she clearly did and had some serious words, some excruciatingly deep remorse to express to my present self and to the people she had hurt all those centuries back... a large group, hundreds of them stood there in their robes and listened. "For the sake of humanity, for peace among human beings, we forgive you." This is what one of their elders, with a long white beard and wrinkled face said at the end.
It is late, I need to go to bed.
Good night my dear, dear friends!!
Tomma
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Into the Hormones and the Bones
Wow, another BIG day today.
It has two parts.
First I saw Beth Netter up at the Center for Integrative Health and Healing, the very place I will be starting to work at very soon. So happy these are the people I am connecting with. Of course I have talked to them, and heard their intentions and seen their integrity and commitment in my interactions with them... but to experience the whole thing as a patient really brings it home.
And Beth is just totally wonderful.
Yes, I do have a little guilt and worry spending all this money on myself... $100 here, $180 there, another $125 at that place... and so on... it adds up. Am I being indulgent? Do I have the right to be indulgent? Is it frivolous maybe? Some old ghosts are still spooking around in that subject.
I breathe and let it happen. Now and then I have to cry a few tears over receiving so much from so many sides. I always used to get by with so little needs, with so little expenses... when something came up I would jump in and take care of it and do a journey for myself... not so now.
Back to my morning... Beth gave me lovely pill things to take... that my body had said 'yes' to, but more so, she so kindly and thoroughly takes in the whole person that is me... soon we will do some saliva and blood tests to evaluate my hormone levels, she was totally in alignment that this would be really important to look at and to rebalance. For now: Evening Primrose Oil, Liquid Vitamin B Complex, chewable Liquorice tablets, Liver Cleanse, ground flax seeds, and Flax seed oil... mmmm... nice.
My second event was rather intense: work with Cindy Dodge. She has the 'label' of a physical therapist, but brings much, much more than that... some of the different strands in my journeys tied together today.
That "bubble" that moves around in the middle of my belly, the one I wondered whether it might one of the cysts started moving again today... soon there was a spot revealed that Cindy zeroed in on: whooe, that hurt!... she hit the same kind of pain that I went through in the emergency room, and as she was tapping in on more and more spots... first inside the belly, then along the bones, the right pelvic, the pubic and the left side bones too, my body was going into some deep release... And as she was opening up these spots, intuitive questions were asked that tied... into the past life rape I had 'for some reason' just told her about... the girls, was it that they were a part of this experience?... in what way? ...and Jimmy, wasn't he there too? ? ? It came in little shattered pieces, and then bit by bit, it fell into place... for each of them ... with a burst of tears and pain and recognition of some yet deeper buried memory... how.. yes... they had been there... more pictures and flashes of that event... and my bones letting go... my body letting more of it go.
Astonishing.
And then we landed on the familiar question of: why do I always need to take care of other people... and where did that start? That questions that has already received so many answers. I related the discoveries from my last Journey, the one I actually never fully described to you... a Journey that grew with me through the entire week afterwards... and I gave her the picture of the hands holding me after I was born, and the pain of the disconnection I felt in my body... and she asked: what had it been like in the womb? That too I had remembered very clearly and could describe it to her... her suggestion to bring those very qualities into my own uterus seems almost logical, but was something that had never occurred to me. I could feel something beginning to shift, something beginning to come to center, and I thought: Oh, of course, this is what needs to happen! ... and when she said: and bring yourself in there... it stopped! All I heard was: do I have the right? do I deserve this? - Wow!
That too had to be traced back. Again the answers came in little broken pieces while Cindy kept working the spots on the bones. Egypt... long ago... I did something... something that hurt a lot of people.... misuse of power? yes... and unconscious actions. No clear images. Just a strong sense present in that moment. And then another wave of recognition. The Jewish people. It had something to do with the Jewish people when they were still in Egypt! Oh, God!
Somehow I realized later in that life what I had done. And I cursed myself? I turned my own power against myself? I punished myself... Yes. Tears always seem to come as a confirmation.
Not all of you know my recent discovery of the guilt I have been carrying, very unconsciously, with me from what I thought was my genetic German heritage and the atrocities against the Jews during the Nazi Regime... (it's a longer story...) but now, all of a sudden, it all dated far, far, farther back... an image of a small mountain in a dry treeless land, and very light colored rocks I am walking on in cross strapped leather sandals... I can hear the sound of those rocks under my feet... the dry air in my lungs... climbing up there is very significant... I have seen that image more than once in the past years and never knew where to place it. This is where it belongs.
And this is where it ended. For now.
Back home I was dazed. All of it starting to recede into the past and seeming a bit surreal.
My body though very tired.
Doing the necessities mechanically. Remembering to take my peroxide.
Making a very hot salt foot bath and a warm castor oil pack for myself.
Taking my new pills.
Resting.
Feeding the fire.
Love.
Tomma
It has two parts.
First I saw Beth Netter up at the Center for Integrative Health and Healing, the very place I will be starting to work at very soon. So happy these are the people I am connecting with. Of course I have talked to them, and heard their intentions and seen their integrity and commitment in my interactions with them... but to experience the whole thing as a patient really brings it home.
And Beth is just totally wonderful.
Yes, I do have a little guilt and worry spending all this money on myself... $100 here, $180 there, another $125 at that place... and so on... it adds up. Am I being indulgent? Do I have the right to be indulgent? Is it frivolous maybe? Some old ghosts are still spooking around in that subject.
I breathe and let it happen. Now and then I have to cry a few tears over receiving so much from so many sides. I always used to get by with so little needs, with so little expenses... when something came up I would jump in and take care of it and do a journey for myself... not so now.
Back to my morning... Beth gave me lovely pill things to take... that my body had said 'yes' to, but more so, she so kindly and thoroughly takes in the whole person that is me... soon we will do some saliva and blood tests to evaluate my hormone levels, she was totally in alignment that this would be really important to look at and to rebalance. For now: Evening Primrose Oil, Liquid Vitamin B Complex, chewable Liquorice tablets, Liver Cleanse, ground flax seeds, and Flax seed oil... mmmm... nice.
My second event was rather intense: work with Cindy Dodge. She has the 'label' of a physical therapist, but brings much, much more than that... some of the different strands in my journeys tied together today.
That "bubble" that moves around in the middle of my belly, the one I wondered whether it might one of the cysts started moving again today... soon there was a spot revealed that Cindy zeroed in on: whooe, that hurt!... she hit the same kind of pain that I went through in the emergency room, and as she was tapping in on more and more spots... first inside the belly, then along the bones, the right pelvic, the pubic and the left side bones too, my body was going into some deep release... And as she was opening up these spots, intuitive questions were asked that tied... into the past life rape I had 'for some reason' just told her about... the girls, was it that they were a part of this experience?... in what way? ...and Jimmy, wasn't he there too? ? ? It came in little shattered pieces, and then bit by bit, it fell into place... for each of them ... with a burst of tears and pain and recognition of some yet deeper buried memory... how.. yes... they had been there... more pictures and flashes of that event... and my bones letting go... my body letting more of it go.
Astonishing.
And then we landed on the familiar question of: why do I always need to take care of other people... and where did that start? That questions that has already received so many answers. I related the discoveries from my last Journey, the one I actually never fully described to you... a Journey that grew with me through the entire week afterwards... and I gave her the picture of the hands holding me after I was born, and the pain of the disconnection I felt in my body... and she asked: what had it been like in the womb? That too I had remembered very clearly and could describe it to her... her suggestion to bring those very qualities into my own uterus seems almost logical, but was something that had never occurred to me. I could feel something beginning to shift, something beginning to come to center, and I thought: Oh, of course, this is what needs to happen! ... and when she said: and bring yourself in there... it stopped! All I heard was: do I have the right? do I deserve this? - Wow!
That too had to be traced back. Again the answers came in little broken pieces while Cindy kept working the spots on the bones. Egypt... long ago... I did something... something that hurt a lot of people.... misuse of power? yes... and unconscious actions. No clear images. Just a strong sense present in that moment. And then another wave of recognition. The Jewish people. It had something to do with the Jewish people when they were still in Egypt! Oh, God!
Somehow I realized later in that life what I had done. And I cursed myself? I turned my own power against myself? I punished myself... Yes. Tears always seem to come as a confirmation.
Not all of you know my recent discovery of the guilt I have been carrying, very unconsciously, with me from what I thought was my genetic German heritage and the atrocities against the Jews during the Nazi Regime... (it's a longer story...) but now, all of a sudden, it all dated far, far, farther back... an image of a small mountain in a dry treeless land, and very light colored rocks I am walking on in cross strapped leather sandals... I can hear the sound of those rocks under my feet... the dry air in my lungs... climbing up there is very significant... I have seen that image more than once in the past years and never knew where to place it. This is where it belongs.
And this is where it ended. For now.
Back home I was dazed. All of it starting to recede into the past and seeming a bit surreal.
My body though very tired.
Doing the necessities mechanically. Remembering to take my peroxide.
Making a very hot salt foot bath and a warm castor oil pack for myself.
Taking my new pills.
Resting.
Feeding the fire.
Love.
Tomma
Monday, February 16, 2009
Another Massage from Patrice
Today another massage from Patrice.
That was all for today.
My Journey had not happened... a bit of miscommunication and change in weekend schedule... now it will be Wednesday... which I am sure will be the more perfect timing.
Hydrogen Peroxide is up to 5 drops.
Jimmy, who has been holding up his end of expanded responsibilities and increased care-taking is going through his own ups and downs with that and a bit of detox. He really needs a Journey process himself... I may be able to find a practitioner in training to do one for a case study with him.
I am feeling good. The massage today ... ahhh the body just feels soooo goood afterwards. So much love is pouring into me it seems. Patrice envelops me with such a deep, luxurious and loving comfort... Tonight Jimmy said: "You almost look like your old self again." Who knows. He's been holding a lot of buried worries.
Now I am starting to feel tired...
...love, love, love to you all!!!
Tomma
That was all for today.
My Journey had not happened... a bit of miscommunication and change in weekend schedule... now it will be Wednesday... which I am sure will be the more perfect timing.
Hydrogen Peroxide is up to 5 drops.
Jimmy, who has been holding up his end of expanded responsibilities and increased care-taking is going through his own ups and downs with that and a bit of detox. He really needs a Journey process himself... I may be able to find a practitioner in training to do one for a case study with him.
I am feeling good. The massage today ... ahhh the body just feels soooo goood afterwards. So much love is pouring into me it seems. Patrice envelops me with such a deep, luxurious and loving comfort... Tonight Jimmy said: "You almost look like your old self again." Who knows. He's been holding a lot of buried worries.
Now I am starting to feel tired...
...love, love, love to you all!!!
Tomma
Into the Weekend, Sunday Feb 15th
Just a simple update, as this weekend went by without any major healing events...
I had tried to schedule another journey for today, but it didn't fit into anybody's schedule. So that will happen on Monday, as well as another massage from Patrice.
Saturday went by with little Valentines preparations and getting Anina to the train to NYC, from where she and Sophia and Constantin have left today to LA over winter break.
Jimmy and I had a rather elaborate Valentines Day plan with a very early dinner in Lenox followed by tickets to a Shakespeare & Co play, appropriately titled "Bad Dates"... alas, the dinner was shockingly overpriced, something that didn't quite register with Jimmy, as he had happily ordered two refills of his white wine glass during the course of the meal. No longer used to what were once moderate amounts of alcohol, this put him initially into a rather elevated state, but as time passed and after we were seated in the warm theater, something in his stomach turned a different way, and he ended up sitting through the first half of the play battling nausea and menopause-like heat attacks. Unfortunately the play itself did not add a higher note to the evening, it was kind of relentlessly and artificially overacted, so much so that we almost left during the break. A memorable night for sure.
I did start on my hydrogen peroxide treatment. "Food grade" is the key here. 3 drops three times a day in a glass of water yesterday, increased to 4 today, and 5 tomorrow. This steady increase continues over 16 days. I am really excited about this and very curious how my body will do. So far I feel very good. This simple treatment seems to be quite a miraculous healing boost for the body for all kinds of diseases. I will keep you posted.
And today Jimmy and I finally completed our sofa purchase. Soon we will have an unspeakably comfortable sofa in front of our "plasma screen home theater" ... wow. You will be welcome to join us for movie nights.
I hope you had a higher return on your Valentines day investments and a sweet start into winter break!!
Much love!
Tomma
I had tried to schedule another journey for today, but it didn't fit into anybody's schedule. So that will happen on Monday, as well as another massage from Patrice.
Saturday went by with little Valentines preparations and getting Anina to the train to NYC, from where she and Sophia and Constantin have left today to LA over winter break.
Jimmy and I had a rather elaborate Valentines Day plan with a very early dinner in Lenox followed by tickets to a Shakespeare & Co play, appropriately titled "Bad Dates"... alas, the dinner was shockingly overpriced, something that didn't quite register with Jimmy, as he had happily ordered two refills of his white wine glass during the course of the meal. No longer used to what were once moderate amounts of alcohol, this put him initially into a rather elevated state, but as time passed and after we were seated in the warm theater, something in his stomach turned a different way, and he ended up sitting through the first half of the play battling nausea and menopause-like heat attacks. Unfortunately the play itself did not add a higher note to the evening, it was kind of relentlessly and artificially overacted, so much so that we almost left during the break. A memorable night for sure.
I did start on my hydrogen peroxide treatment. "Food grade" is the key here. 3 drops three times a day in a glass of water yesterday, increased to 4 today, and 5 tomorrow. This steady increase continues over 16 days. I am really excited about this and very curious how my body will do. So far I feel very good. This simple treatment seems to be quite a miraculous healing boost for the body for all kinds of diseases. I will keep you posted.
And today Jimmy and I finally completed our sofa purchase. Soon we will have an unspeakably comfortable sofa in front of our "plasma screen home theater" ... wow. You will be welcome to join us for movie nights.
I hope you had a higher return on your Valentines day investments and a sweet start into winter break!!
Much love!
Tomma
Friday, February 13, 2009
... and working with Susan
In the afternoon my friend Susan came, she is a hypnotherapist, somatic healer and life coach, and just a very exuberant loving human being.
A couple of years back when she was diagnosed with a very aggressive ovarian cancer, I had done some soul retrieval work with her - it was just before I discovered the Journey. She came with all these little presents: organic apples, organic chocolate and the lovely lavender candle.
She did a somatic healing session with me. Now this is something I have studied myself, but have not used all that much in my own practice, something that I think may change... Oh, just such a wonderful experience to relax soooo deeply... Susan is so masterful at this... I saw both cysts: the fluid one, fairly deflated, greyish looking, somewhat lifeless, unevenly shaped with a surprisingly thickish, multi-layered membrane... it seemed no bigger than apple size now. The inside a thick yellowish, translucent and toxic smelling liquid.
An inner healer shows up and does all kinds of repair work, in my case she opened the cyst to let the liquid drain... interestingly the quality that had blocked the release of this substance was "feeling responsible"... hmmm
The second cyst also got worked on and became visible in that moment too: a dense fleshy thing, sort of unevenly pinkish, with blots of more whitish and spots of more reddish fleshiness, as if unevenly supplied with blood-flow. Not perfectly round either, a sort of wobbly roundness... here my inner healer started raking and brushing feverishly to sweep out the crumbling contents from within...
When suggested to see my healed and happy future self, I got a very clear sharp image of my body, very light feeling and I could see, x-ray like, through to the inside: the uterus, small and firm, the thin, elastic tubes and the small, almond size ovaries, totally vivid and clear and colorful... a sense of flying came with it, as if these light little ovaries could lift me up like wings, and a happy smile on my face.
More color and healing work sank into a deeper fog of relaxation... Ahhh.
Today: resting, integrating, breathing... only very little working and organizing a few things...
Annabel will come later and help me cook dinner, what a gift she has been!
I made an appointment with my Center up near Albany to do some hormone testing to see what needs a boost. They don't put you right on bioidenticals, but first see if they can support the body naturally to rebalance the production.
And 15 min ago the hydrogen peroxide finally arrived in the mail!!! Yipeee!
Tomorrow Jimmy and I are going out to celebrate.
The girls will be traveling with Constantin.
Love, love, love to you all!!
Tomma
A couple of years back when she was diagnosed with a very aggressive ovarian cancer, I had done some soul retrieval work with her - it was just before I discovered the Journey. She came with all these little presents: organic apples, organic chocolate and the lovely lavender candle.
She did a somatic healing session with me. Now this is something I have studied myself, but have not used all that much in my own practice, something that I think may change... Oh, just such a wonderful experience to relax soooo deeply... Susan is so masterful at this... I saw both cysts: the fluid one, fairly deflated, greyish looking, somewhat lifeless, unevenly shaped with a surprisingly thickish, multi-layered membrane... it seemed no bigger than apple size now. The inside a thick yellowish, translucent and toxic smelling liquid.
An inner healer shows up and does all kinds of repair work, in my case she opened the cyst to let the liquid drain... interestingly the quality that had blocked the release of this substance was "feeling responsible"... hmmm
The second cyst also got worked on and became visible in that moment too: a dense fleshy thing, sort of unevenly pinkish, with blots of more whitish and spots of more reddish fleshiness, as if unevenly supplied with blood-flow. Not perfectly round either, a sort of wobbly roundness... here my inner healer started raking and brushing feverishly to sweep out the crumbling contents from within...
When suggested to see my healed and happy future self, I got a very clear sharp image of my body, very light feeling and I could see, x-ray like, through to the inside: the uterus, small and firm, the thin, elastic tubes and the small, almond size ovaries, totally vivid and clear and colorful... a sense of flying came with it, as if these light little ovaries could lift me up like wings, and a happy smile on my face.
More color and healing work sank into a deeper fog of relaxation... Ahhh.
Today: resting, integrating, breathing... only very little working and organizing a few things...
Annabel will come later and help me cook dinner, what a gift she has been!
I made an appointment with my Center up near Albany to do some hormone testing to see what needs a boost. They don't put you right on bioidenticals, but first see if they can support the body naturally to rebalance the production.
And 15 min ago the hydrogen peroxide finally arrived in the mail!!! Yipeee!
Tomorrow Jimmy and I are going out to celebrate.
The girls will be traveling with Constantin.
Love, love, love to you all!!
Tomma
Thursday, part one...
Hmmmm, it seems a lot happened yesterday.
Right now I am sitting in my favorite spot by the fire, my feet are in a warm salt foot bath (Michael's recommendation) and a lavender candle (from Susan) exudes its soft scent next to me.
So, Michael Shaffer is back and practicing by appointment out of the Philmont office on select days of the week. Different than in the past, he doesn't work with several people at the same time but is totally present with you alone. That in and of itself was a treat: one full hour of undivided attention!
(Michel Shaffer is a chiropractor by profession, but really a healer beyond that professional identity, he was away in India for a couple of years and has only recently returned)
Some new aspects came up, some old ones were confirmed. A lot of silent work on the neck, feet and along the spine, and some interesting lessons of observation, how the belly responds to a person entering the space I am in, impulses of protection that are triggered, how I make a hand on my body either part of myself or separate from myself, how I look at the world through my third eye with my solarplexus covered, and how I see it with that place exposed... Subtle and unexpected, interesting directions of seeing myself. Not sure I have extracted an overall conclusion from it, more something that stirs softly within.
Then the people aspects of these lumps in my body, who is related to it and how? The girls came up and Jimmy as well. Anina above all appeared and was present, a memory I had seen in a journey back in December resurfaced and some probing into what my agreement - or contract with her has been. Somehow I had believed I was here to protect her. This has been carried on from the very beginning on her life when Sophia, clearly thrown of balance by the arrival of a baby sister, displayed some intense behavior, a drive to take charge of her baby sister with a certain amount of roughness, or aggression culminating in a period of biting her so hard we could see the teethmarks on her skin... I had not be aware how deeply the feeling of failure was imbedded into my relationship with her.
Yesterday my sense of that contract was corrected into: I am here to help her find her own strength. Ahhh, quite a relief. She appeared and laid her hands on my belly one over each cyst and said: "Mom, it's all right", so softly and lovingly it made me cry.
Now my water has gone cold, so I will write about the second part of yesterday later...
Love
Tomma
Right now I am sitting in my favorite spot by the fire, my feet are in a warm salt foot bath (Michael's recommendation) and a lavender candle (from Susan) exudes its soft scent next to me.
So, Michael Shaffer is back and practicing by appointment out of the Philmont office on select days of the week. Different than in the past, he doesn't work with several people at the same time but is totally present with you alone. That in and of itself was a treat: one full hour of undivided attention!
(Michel Shaffer is a chiropractor by profession, but really a healer beyond that professional identity, he was away in India for a couple of years and has only recently returned)
Some new aspects came up, some old ones were confirmed. A lot of silent work on the neck, feet and along the spine, and some interesting lessons of observation, how the belly responds to a person entering the space I am in, impulses of protection that are triggered, how I make a hand on my body either part of myself or separate from myself, how I look at the world through my third eye with my solarplexus covered, and how I see it with that place exposed... Subtle and unexpected, interesting directions of seeing myself. Not sure I have extracted an overall conclusion from it, more something that stirs softly within.
Then the people aspects of these lumps in my body, who is related to it and how? The girls came up and Jimmy as well. Anina above all appeared and was present, a memory I had seen in a journey back in December resurfaced and some probing into what my agreement - or contract with her has been. Somehow I had believed I was here to protect her. This has been carried on from the very beginning on her life when Sophia, clearly thrown of balance by the arrival of a baby sister, displayed some intense behavior, a drive to take charge of her baby sister with a certain amount of roughness, or aggression culminating in a period of biting her so hard we could see the teethmarks on her skin... I had not be aware how deeply the feeling of failure was imbedded into my relationship with her.
Yesterday my sense of that contract was corrected into: I am here to help her find her own strength. Ahhh, quite a relief. She appeared and laid her hands on my belly one over each cyst and said: "Mom, it's all right", so softly and lovingly it made me cry.
Now my water has gone cold, so I will write about the second part of yesterday later...
Love
Tomma
Thursday, February 12, 2009
today...
Today was quite a day... but I was just too tired to write anything... it will wait until tomorrow.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Daily Life...
Today I felt so much energy as I haven't in a long time. Jimmy warned me not to jump right back in and do what I always do, which in his mind was: working all day at my desk. But somehow that almost happened. Life just asks certain things you can't ignore.
Right now that is planing Anina's trip to Berlin and helping her decide when to go... similar to trying to grab a fish under water, you think you have something in your hand and it's gone again... she can't make up her mind... still, flights had to be searched for, travel dates compared, and thinking put into motion about when I would go to Hamburg and when Jimmy could join me over there... thrown into the midst is the tantalizing possibility to go to a Journey Intensive in Berlin with Brandon on the last weekend in April... much mental acrobatics... not my favorite activity at any time, right now it really feels like a chore.
So, a good amount of time at my desk.
God, that place is like a black hole that sucks my brain empty. One task blends into the next and the next and the next. By now the piles of mail have reached frightening proportions... I have been spoiled mostly sitting by the fireplace and resting and writing and reading. Is there a way to make a living like that? I've got to do something about my desk, it needs to turn into a place of creative serenity, and happy orderliness. But how?
Now back by the fire I am happy again.
Having watched the flames a lot during these past days and days I have been learning a lot about fire, about this process of transformation that produces heat and light. I am struck by the attention the fire demanded from me to keep burning well. All this activity of drying and thawing off and getting the logs ready to go into the fire was amazing... and then the various kinds of wood and how they behave... I am struck by a certain similarity in the way I have thought about what I, and maybe many of us, are striving for: to be a force of transformation, a light worker, to release the density and evolve into a higher vibration...
This is what I am seeing: sometimes it is very hard to get the fire going. The logs are too dense, too wet, or too young or too big... and the heat that is available not big enough to really get it going. It's all about heat production. Logs that lay crosswise produce less heat than the same logs laying next to each other. Proximity and parallelness.
Sometimes there are big logs just smoldering and the fire doesn't quite expand, instead you can see it diminishes. And sometimes it is just a little piece of bark thrown in that burns with a short little flame, just enough that it increases the heat over the current threshhold and everything starts igniting everywhere.
Can I be a piece of bark? Could my writing be a piece of bark? Could what I am experiencing be the spark that sets into flame another process somewhere else?
Once heat is expanding, it feeds itself... in other words: more heat produces more flames that produce more heat.
And many of us close together can make a bonfire (or a campfire) that can light up a place that used to be dark or cold... that is my belief.
Tomorrow is another big healing day:
First my meditation group, then on to Michael Schaeffer and in the afternoon my dear friend Susan, who walked through the fire of ovarian cancer is coming to do some somatic healing work with me.
Off to bed with me!
Sparks of love to you!!!
Tomma
Right now that is planing Anina's trip to Berlin and helping her decide when to go... similar to trying to grab a fish under water, you think you have something in your hand and it's gone again... she can't make up her mind... still, flights had to be searched for, travel dates compared, and thinking put into motion about when I would go to Hamburg and when Jimmy could join me over there... thrown into the midst is the tantalizing possibility to go to a Journey Intensive in Berlin with Brandon on the last weekend in April... much mental acrobatics... not my favorite activity at any time, right now it really feels like a chore.
So, a good amount of time at my desk.
God, that place is like a black hole that sucks my brain empty. One task blends into the next and the next and the next. By now the piles of mail have reached frightening proportions... I have been spoiled mostly sitting by the fireplace and resting and writing and reading. Is there a way to make a living like that? I've got to do something about my desk, it needs to turn into a place of creative serenity, and happy orderliness. But how?
Now back by the fire I am happy again.
Having watched the flames a lot during these past days and days I have been learning a lot about fire, about this process of transformation that produces heat and light. I am struck by the attention the fire demanded from me to keep burning well. All this activity of drying and thawing off and getting the logs ready to go into the fire was amazing... and then the various kinds of wood and how they behave... I am struck by a certain similarity in the way I have thought about what I, and maybe many of us, are striving for: to be a force of transformation, a light worker, to release the density and evolve into a higher vibration...
This is what I am seeing: sometimes it is very hard to get the fire going. The logs are too dense, too wet, or too young or too big... and the heat that is available not big enough to really get it going. It's all about heat production. Logs that lay crosswise produce less heat than the same logs laying next to each other. Proximity and parallelness.
Sometimes there are big logs just smoldering and the fire doesn't quite expand, instead you can see it diminishes. And sometimes it is just a little piece of bark thrown in that burns with a short little flame, just enough that it increases the heat over the current threshhold and everything starts igniting everywhere.
Can I be a piece of bark? Could my writing be a piece of bark? Could what I am experiencing be the spark that sets into flame another process somewhere else?
Once heat is expanding, it feeds itself... in other words: more heat produces more flames that produce more heat.
And many of us close together can make a bonfire (or a campfire) that can light up a place that used to be dark or cold... that is my belief.
Tomorrow is another big healing day:
First my meditation group, then on to Michael Schaeffer and in the afternoon my dear friend Susan, who walked through the fire of ovarian cancer is coming to do some somatic healing work with me.
Off to bed with me!
Sparks of love to you!!!
Tomma
Beautiful Tuesday
Quick updates:
After yesterday had been a LOW day, today I had a lot of energy and cleaned up all the various wood drying stations I had created in the house.
Sophia had slept well and without any painkillers, but battled with a headache all day today until Patrice did some energy work on her before dinner.
Our Patrice came a gave me a heavenly massage in front of the wood stove in the dining room... she even brought a large pot of the most delicious white bean soup and we all had a lovely meal afterwards.
Sophia's friend Nick was here and stacked up the new wood on our porch.
Anina is battling with the plan to go to Berlin in April... all of a sudden she can't bear the thought of leaving, and yet she will have to decide very soon, if to postpone it or not.
This massage today was significant in a very different way. You may remember the last Journey I went on last Sunday... and the impact of being handled by those hands I discovered. Incidentally I talked to my mother about this and she recalls that there had been a very nice young nurse she liked a lot, who had assisted her all during labor, but because labor went on for so long this nurse had finally gone home and been replaced by sister Emmi. Who was in her words a rather unfriendly and "old" nurse (almost 50), who she didn't feel any vibes with... hmmm. She also confirmed my image of the experience in which I was lifted to the right and away from her and of where the birthing bed was standing... and confirmed that nurse Emmi took me over to the right side to the sink to wash and swaddle me, before I was given back to her. I thought that was so cool I actually saw this the way it happened.
Anyway, it had been the experience of the disconnection that had been so painful, and it had kind of entered my skin and flesh through those hands... and when Patrice was massaging me today it was as if she was rubbing or peeling away the layer of tissue that had held that consciousness, very lovingly little by little, bit by bit. That now there was again another experience of hands reversing what had happened back then.
A totally, utterly beautiful experience of surrender and connectedness.
... and now off from my computer.
Much much love to all of you!!!
Tomma
After yesterday had been a LOW day, today I had a lot of energy and cleaned up all the various wood drying stations I had created in the house.
Sophia had slept well and without any painkillers, but battled with a headache all day today until Patrice did some energy work on her before dinner.
Our Patrice came a gave me a heavenly massage in front of the wood stove in the dining room... she even brought a large pot of the most delicious white bean soup and we all had a lovely meal afterwards.
Sophia's friend Nick was here and stacked up the new wood on our porch.
Anina is battling with the plan to go to Berlin in April... all of a sudden she can't bear the thought of leaving, and yet she will have to decide very soon, if to postpone it or not.
This massage today was significant in a very different way. You may remember the last Journey I went on last Sunday... and the impact of being handled by those hands I discovered. Incidentally I talked to my mother about this and she recalls that there had been a very nice young nurse she liked a lot, who had assisted her all during labor, but because labor went on for so long this nurse had finally gone home and been replaced by sister Emmi. Who was in her words a rather unfriendly and "old" nurse (almost 50), who she didn't feel any vibes with... hmmm. She also confirmed my image of the experience in which I was lifted to the right and away from her and of where the birthing bed was standing... and confirmed that nurse Emmi took me over to the right side to the sink to wash and swaddle me, before I was given back to her. I thought that was so cool I actually saw this the way it happened.
Anyway, it had been the experience of the disconnection that had been so painful, and it had kind of entered my skin and flesh through those hands... and when Patrice was massaging me today it was as if she was rubbing or peeling away the layer of tissue that had held that consciousness, very lovingly little by little, bit by bit. That now there was again another experience of hands reversing what had happened back then.
A totally, utterly beautiful experience of surrender and connectedness.
... and now off from my computer.
Much much love to all of you!!!
Tomma
Monday, February 9, 2009
Mad Monday
Oh, well... today turned out totally different than planed.
Sophia had a 9 o'clock appointment to get her 4 wisdom teeth pulled... which I knew, but had kind of forgotten during the last few days, or somehow I figured between Jimmy and me we could get her to Pittsfield and back again... thought my own appointment with Doris was at 11:00, but when I checked to be sure, oh dear!... it was at 10:00! Plans were swiftly adjusted for me to bring her and come back in time, and for Jimmy to go and get her home, but when I arrived at the office with Sophia they would not allow me to leave! Another security thing, they need to have someone there while the patient is "under". Of course we had already gotten lost on the way up there because she didn't exactly remember where this place was.
Jimmy had to call to let Doris know...
I had to wait...
Now, back home I have a wobbly patient, who sits in my office and watches TV, to take care of with pureed soups, fruit juices and painkillers... My focus is just really thrown off. How curious. And the wood that we finally got on Saturday night turns out to be a little green and doesn't burn well either... hmmm... all these glitches... all these hurdles... all these distractions...
And what did I come out of the Journey with yesterday? This is the part I didn't write down yet: "By loving all of life, I mirror the truth." (I'll write some more about the resolution of that journey some other time) I thought about that this morning at the oral surgeon. OK, all this went somehow "wrong", and now I have a chance to love this. Is that how it goes?
Jimmy's conclusions went into a different direction, into "what am I supposed to learn form this?". And he jumped in willingly to give me that perspective over the phone... But... That didn't match was I had seen yesterday. It was not about learning something to do something differently in the future, so it wouldn't happen again the next time. It was about loving all that is, the exact way it is. To look closely enough beyond the veil, beyond the separateness to see the "truth" which is always beautiful, always full of love. Not a new concept exactly, Byron Katie talks about nothing else but that. But a bit different when you discover it for yourself with your own inner imagery.
Now that I am writing about this, I feel a healthy calm come back into my body.
By the way, forgive me for writing so much,
I don't mean for anybody to experience my e-mails as some kind of work load and to have to read it all... I do remember very well what life is like on the "taking care of all family-, home-, work- and relationship- things track"... we are all sooo busy. It just really helps me to write it all down. It creates more clarity and awareness. I have become my own best case study...
So I conclude, for some unknown reason it will be better for me to have my session with Doris two weeks from now, and for some more known reason it was better for me to stay and bring Sophia back home after her surgery, yes that was pretty obvious, she was so out of it, so unable to say a word, pretty vulnerable and yes, very wobbly. Good for me as a Mom to be there.
At least I will see some of you tonight, after missing the bigger gathering yesterday, that feels good. I had not followed all the the many backs and forths and lost track where the whole planing had landed, that too must have been better for me. It felt right, as much as I missed seeing you all.
I am feeling pretty good, but I am not doing all that much... I have stopped my rice cleanse, after my digestion got a bit too sluggish... I don't eat anything sweet and almost no meats or animal fats (the exception was Peggy's wonderful turkey soup yesterday) but otherwise nothing spectacular...
...sometimes there is a little twinge in the belly, sometimes a little ache, most of the time I do feel something going on down there, and also sometimes I feel absolutely nothing. There is this roundish thing n the middle of the belly that moves around, most of the time it is pretty low down, but I can move it upward very easily under the belly button. Might that be one of them? I'd love to know.
So. Am I missing anything? Am I overlooking something? What does your gut tell you about were I am heading with this? Today it is two weeks ago I had the MRI. Should I still go to another doctor, Michael Schaeffer maybe? Mostly I get clear about these questions on my own, sometimes it feels good to ask.
Ohhhh, what a trip!!
I love you!!
Tomma
Later:
Well, more unexpected stuff: Sophia, who had merely been nauseous for that past couple of hours, has now thrown up and that will be a problem if she wants to continue taking pain killers... not sure how that develops and when and if I can come after all... May be I get there late... would really love to sit in the hot tub with you tonight...
been a tiring day...
Love
Tomma
Sophia had a 9 o'clock appointment to get her 4 wisdom teeth pulled... which I knew, but had kind of forgotten during the last few days, or somehow I figured between Jimmy and me we could get her to Pittsfield and back again... thought my own appointment with Doris was at 11:00, but when I checked to be sure, oh dear!... it was at 10:00! Plans were swiftly adjusted for me to bring her and come back in time, and for Jimmy to go and get her home, but when I arrived at the office with Sophia they would not allow me to leave! Another security thing, they need to have someone there while the patient is "under". Of course we had already gotten lost on the way up there because she didn't exactly remember where this place was.
Jimmy had to call to let Doris know...
I had to wait...
Now, back home I have a wobbly patient, who sits in my office and watches TV, to take care of with pureed soups, fruit juices and painkillers... My focus is just really thrown off. How curious. And the wood that we finally got on Saturday night turns out to be a little green and doesn't burn well either... hmmm... all these glitches... all these hurdles... all these distractions...
And what did I come out of the Journey with yesterday? This is the part I didn't write down yet: "By loving all of life, I mirror the truth." (I'll write some more about the resolution of that journey some other time) I thought about that this morning at the oral surgeon. OK, all this went somehow "wrong", and now I have a chance to love this. Is that how it goes?
Jimmy's conclusions went into a different direction, into "what am I supposed to learn form this?". And he jumped in willingly to give me that perspective over the phone... But... That didn't match was I had seen yesterday. It was not about learning something to do something differently in the future, so it wouldn't happen again the next time. It was about loving all that is, the exact way it is. To look closely enough beyond the veil, beyond the separateness to see the "truth" which is always beautiful, always full of love. Not a new concept exactly, Byron Katie talks about nothing else but that. But a bit different when you discover it for yourself with your own inner imagery.
Now that I am writing about this, I feel a healthy calm come back into my body.
By the way, forgive me for writing so much,
I don't mean for anybody to experience my e-mails as some kind of work load and to have to read it all... I do remember very well what life is like on the "taking care of all family-, home-, work- and relationship- things track"... we are all sooo busy. It just really helps me to write it all down. It creates more clarity and awareness. I have become my own best case study...
So I conclude, for some unknown reason it will be better for me to have my session with Doris two weeks from now, and for some more known reason it was better for me to stay and bring Sophia back home after her surgery, yes that was pretty obvious, she was so out of it, so unable to say a word, pretty vulnerable and yes, very wobbly. Good for me as a Mom to be there.
At least I will see some of you tonight, after missing the bigger gathering yesterday, that feels good. I had not followed all the the many backs and forths and lost track where the whole planing had landed, that too must have been better for me. It felt right, as much as I missed seeing you all.
I am feeling pretty good, but I am not doing all that much... I have stopped my rice cleanse, after my digestion got a bit too sluggish... I don't eat anything sweet and almost no meats or animal fats (the exception was Peggy's wonderful turkey soup yesterday) but otherwise nothing spectacular...
...sometimes there is a little twinge in the belly, sometimes a little ache, most of the time I do feel something going on down there, and also sometimes I feel absolutely nothing. There is this roundish thing n the middle of the belly that moves around, most of the time it is pretty low down, but I can move it upward very easily under the belly button. Might that be one of them? I'd love to know.
So. Am I missing anything? Am I overlooking something? What does your gut tell you about were I am heading with this? Today it is two weeks ago I had the MRI. Should I still go to another doctor, Michael Schaeffer maybe? Mostly I get clear about these questions on my own, sometimes it feels good to ask.
Ohhhh, what a trip!!
I love you!!
Tomma
Later:
Well, more unexpected stuff: Sophia, who had merely been nauseous for that past couple of hours, has now thrown up and that will be a problem if she wants to continue taking pain killers... not sure how that develops and when and if I can come after all... May be I get there late... would really love to sit in the hot tub with you tonight...
been a tiring day...
Love
Tomma
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Sunday night, Feb. 8th
As you are finishing your lushious hot tub experience in Kripalu, I will connect with you by e-mail and give you a few images of my journey today. I would have liked to join you, but I was really, really tired. Just don't have that much strength theses days. It doesn't worry me, I take it as a sign that my body is doing some inner repair work.
I wouldn't have gone out, but we just really needed new pots after we threw out our old aluminum based ones, and Sophia took hers to the city. We also want a new, more comfortable sofa in the TV room and there was a sale on today in Albany...
Well, how to give you the highlights?
The curve of my staircase was much gentler today, the steps themselves much wider and covered with a lush, thick carpet that my feet sank into with every step, there was this presence of something precious almost luxurious, even the thermometer had some golden ornate decorations framing it, and the door was entirely gold-plated. Inside my mentors, three of them, were all dressed up with velvet embroidered capes... hmmmm... all this rather unusual. The vehicle too was somehow regal: a flying sled with more golden ornate decoration and cushioned velvet seats, pulled by six swans... We flew to my crown chakra, at the same time I heard "north pole" and sure enough, that's what it looked like. Vast snowy landscape with a huge Ice bolder, an ice mountain jutting out of the ground not far away.
The memory we found there was what must have been minutes after I was born, I had literally just left the birth canal... the womb seemed already far behind me, that soft, warm chamber... and hands were holding and handling me, hands of people who didn't know me, didn't love me, and were not connected to me, skillfull maybe, but to them I was nothing but a number in their routine. I could feel these hands on my body and it felt like something had died, a connection, a safety, love and aliveness.
... and... I am falling asleep, soo tired all of a sudden I can hardly keep my eyes open.
I think I will write a bit more tomorrow... Now i really need to go to sleep... so tired...
love...
T.
I wouldn't have gone out, but we just really needed new pots after we threw out our old aluminum based ones, and Sophia took hers to the city. We also want a new, more comfortable sofa in the TV room and there was a sale on today in Albany...
Well, how to give you the highlights?
The curve of my staircase was much gentler today, the steps themselves much wider and covered with a lush, thick carpet that my feet sank into with every step, there was this presence of something precious almost luxurious, even the thermometer had some golden ornate decorations framing it, and the door was entirely gold-plated. Inside my mentors, three of them, were all dressed up with velvet embroidered capes... hmmmm... all this rather unusual. The vehicle too was somehow regal: a flying sled with more golden ornate decoration and cushioned velvet seats, pulled by six swans... We flew to my crown chakra, at the same time I heard "north pole" and sure enough, that's what it looked like. Vast snowy landscape with a huge Ice bolder, an ice mountain jutting out of the ground not far away.
The memory we found there was what must have been minutes after I was born, I had literally just left the birth canal... the womb seemed already far behind me, that soft, warm chamber... and hands were holding and handling me, hands of people who didn't know me, didn't love me, and were not connected to me, skillfull maybe, but to them I was nothing but a number in their routine. I could feel these hands on my body and it felt like something had died, a connection, a safety, love and aliveness.
... and... I am falling asleep, soo tired all of a sudden I can hardly keep my eyes open.
I think I will write a bit more tomorrow... Now i really need to go to sleep... so tired...
love...
T.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
On... to the body...
Quick update:
Peggy came by first thing and brought homemade soup and tulips!!! Oh, how sweet is that? I had postponed getting up and ready literally until I heard her voice downstairs, so she had entered into a messy and cold dining room... interesting again how I play that game in my head, because I had not thought about it until she was here, but afterwards I felt that little nagging guilty feeling for not having had some tea ready and the fire lit to be able to sit down with her... or at least offered some kind of hospitality... hmmm... just noticing these things with more awareness now.
Today my first massage was booked with a wonderful massage therapist in Chatham, Brin, who has also done some journeywork with me. A massage is always such a luxurious experience, but this one was also really interesting, because she focused a lot on my abdominal area, and I could feel , I mean, physically feel the resistance that still sits in the tissue in there. It still carries this feeling of being invaded or being asked of too much, I had to really breathe and very consciously release. Not a whole lot of emotion that surfaced, feels a little bit like a lot has been released, and now the body has to catch up... not sure, but that was my sense.
We both also noticed a lot of movement in there. Brin described it as if at times there was a fist coming up inside my belly. We worked with some chi-gong too, flowing chi energy up through one leg and back down the other, wind energy came up and did its work... interesting because she told me that wind in Chinese medicine relates to the liver and to anger... no wonder! as the (enneagram) 9 type that I am... we tend to do everything we can not to trigger, or feel anger... ah yes...
The belly REALLY felt different afterwards, something got moved around in there, or opened up. That was really good!!
I feel very good!!
More tomorrow!
Jimmy is taking me out...
Love you, as always...
Tomma
Peggy came by first thing and brought homemade soup and tulips!!! Oh, how sweet is that? I had postponed getting up and ready literally until I heard her voice downstairs, so she had entered into a messy and cold dining room... interesting again how I play that game in my head, because I had not thought about it until she was here, but afterwards I felt that little nagging guilty feeling for not having had some tea ready and the fire lit to be able to sit down with her... or at least offered some kind of hospitality... hmmm... just noticing these things with more awareness now.
Today my first massage was booked with a wonderful massage therapist in Chatham, Brin, who has also done some journeywork with me. A massage is always such a luxurious experience, but this one was also really interesting, because she focused a lot on my abdominal area, and I could feel , I mean, physically feel the resistance that still sits in the tissue in there. It still carries this feeling of being invaded or being asked of too much, I had to really breathe and very consciously release. Not a whole lot of emotion that surfaced, feels a little bit like a lot has been released, and now the body has to catch up... not sure, but that was my sense.
We both also noticed a lot of movement in there. Brin described it as if at times there was a fist coming up inside my belly. We worked with some chi-gong too, flowing chi energy up through one leg and back down the other, wind energy came up and did its work... interesting because she told me that wind in Chinese medicine relates to the liver and to anger... no wonder! as the (enneagram) 9 type that I am... we tend to do everything we can not to trigger, or feel anger... ah yes...
The belly REALLY felt different afterwards, something got moved around in there, or opened up. That was really good!!
I feel very good!!
More tomorrow!
Jimmy is taking me out...
Love you, as always...
Tomma
Friday, February 6, 2009
My Journey today... Fri. Jan 6th
Wow, I've had quite a morning,
I had scheduled myself for two more journeys, one today and one on Sunday.
But first thing we noticed when we woke up was how cold it was in the house, moments later the phone rang and it was my tenant reporting that the furnace had gone off and his thermometer read 45 degrees. Ouch! On the way to school the car showed me a mere 7 degrees.
I am concerned about the pipes. Some are not bringing up heat.
And in all this focusing on myself I had forgotten to be present with the oil delivery schedule and not ordered a new delivery in time. Jimmy, my angel promptly ran out to get diesel from the gas station and relight the furnace, one more run he made brought us up to about 30 gallons which will hold us over until tomorrow when the truck comes.
Then Bruce, my second angel of the day, called for the journey process. He suggested a new format I had never experienced, from the conscious leadership workshops he had participated in. A "simple" process that brings up all the negative labels, beliefs and judgements you live with. At first it didn't feel all that powerful, a lot of them I had been conscious of, but then a few were new discoveries, and some came up with a lot of emotion, and the part that made it really amazing was visualizing them in their totality... in the very end they become visible as a structure that surrounds you, that you have lived in.. woh, was that a wake up call to what I am constantly schlepping around with me.
Here is some the the hidden stuff that I saw. The stuff I don't want other people to see, that I don't even want to see myself. I am writing this in the awareness that not just you, my beloved moon-circle women can read this, but a lot of other people, and so this will be part of my clearing and healing to pull it out into the open.
My biggest fear and greatest pain right now seems to be failure.
Failure in many ways. Ways I have failed my daughter Sophia, knowing that even though we dance every relationship WITH the other person... I must have contributed to her current state of depression and lack of motivation, vision or joy for her life, and her inability to let other people in, or help her, or believe she can't be helped by anybody... and thinking I know what it was that I did, the considerable pain over having let it happen.
Ways I have failed my home by not taking care of it and neglecting certain repairs and upkeeps... always from lack of money or time...
Ways I fail Jimmy when he doesn't get from me what he needs.
Ways I have failed to be successful, not just doing "ok" but reallllly being successful, because the means I have failed to reach people, failed to bring this work where it is needed.
Most of all ways I have failed myself, in not living up to my own high standards. Not having been able to always be what I believe I can be, not being able to pull myself up and live the full version of my potential. Not even able to keep my desk in an organized state. When asked who am I in my darkest moments that I don't want anybody else to see, what tumbled out of my mouth was: "That I am nothing but an average, needy person who doesn't really contribute anything significant to the world and therefore has no right to even be here." Woha! That hurt! And what about this judgement on "average" people?!
This erupted, was there with a huge wave of emotion for a minute or so, and then faded.
At the end of course I walked out, this whole structure crumbled and my mentor removed all this garbage out of my cellular consciousness and replaced it with something... well... better of course.
Now I am fairly tired.
Sophia packed up the remainder of her belongings and left with a stuffed car to move in tomorrow, when all her big items from Ikea come in.
Tomorrow I am receiving a first massage. And more to follow.
I am awaiting the order of food grade hydrogen peroxide.
And a new load of higher quality, DRY firewood.
I love you all!
Tomma
I had scheduled myself for two more journeys, one today and one on Sunday.
But first thing we noticed when we woke up was how cold it was in the house, moments later the phone rang and it was my tenant reporting that the furnace had gone off and his thermometer read 45 degrees. Ouch! On the way to school the car showed me a mere 7 degrees.
I am concerned about the pipes. Some are not bringing up heat.
And in all this focusing on myself I had forgotten to be present with the oil delivery schedule and not ordered a new delivery in time. Jimmy, my angel promptly ran out to get diesel from the gas station and relight the furnace, one more run he made brought us up to about 30 gallons which will hold us over until tomorrow when the truck comes.
Then Bruce, my second angel of the day, called for the journey process. He suggested a new format I had never experienced, from the conscious leadership workshops he had participated in. A "simple" process that brings up all the negative labels, beliefs and judgements you live with. At first it didn't feel all that powerful, a lot of them I had been conscious of, but then a few were new discoveries, and some came up with a lot of emotion, and the part that made it really amazing was visualizing them in their totality... in the very end they become visible as a structure that surrounds you, that you have lived in.. woh, was that a wake up call to what I am constantly schlepping around with me.
Here is some the the hidden stuff that I saw. The stuff I don't want other people to see, that I don't even want to see myself. I am writing this in the awareness that not just you, my beloved moon-circle women can read this, but a lot of other people, and so this will be part of my clearing and healing to pull it out into the open.
My biggest fear and greatest pain right now seems to be failure.
Failure in many ways. Ways I have failed my daughter Sophia, knowing that even though we dance every relationship WITH the other person... I must have contributed to her current state of depression and lack of motivation, vision or joy for her life, and her inability to let other people in, or help her, or believe she can't be helped by anybody... and thinking I know what it was that I did, the considerable pain over having let it happen.
Ways I have failed my home by not taking care of it and neglecting certain repairs and upkeeps... always from lack of money or time...
Ways I fail Jimmy when he doesn't get from me what he needs.
Ways I have failed to be successful, not just doing "ok" but reallllly being successful, because the means I have failed to reach people, failed to bring this work where it is needed.
Most of all ways I have failed myself, in not living up to my own high standards. Not having been able to always be what I believe I can be, not being able to pull myself up and live the full version of my potential. Not even able to keep my desk in an organized state. When asked who am I in my darkest moments that I don't want anybody else to see, what tumbled out of my mouth was: "That I am nothing but an average, needy person who doesn't really contribute anything significant to the world and therefore has no right to even be here." Woha! That hurt! And what about this judgement on "average" people?!
This erupted, was there with a huge wave of emotion for a minute or so, and then faded.
At the end of course I walked out, this whole structure crumbled and my mentor removed all this garbage out of my cellular consciousness and replaced it with something... well... better of course.
Now I am fairly tired.
Sophia packed up the remainder of her belongings and left with a stuffed car to move in tomorrow, when all her big items from Ikea come in.
Tomorrow I am receiving a first massage. And more to follow.
I am awaiting the order of food grade hydrogen peroxide.
And a new load of higher quality, DRY firewood.
I love you all!
Tomma
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Becoming Selfish
.
It's amazing the ways in which those little things show up that I have never paid much attention to.
This morning I was ready to get up and bring Anina to school and stay at the farm store for 45 min so I could go to my meditation group, which I figured would be a good thing for me to be doing today.
Then Jimmy offered to drive Anina and come back in time, so I could stay in bed a little longer and rest. I accepted that. I did get up to get the fire going and help the two of them get out of the house in time... but went straight back to bed after they left.
As I laid there I heard Kathleen, my sweet housekeeper come in downstairs and I remembered that I had forgotten to get glass and bathroom cleaner for her. I also had not straightened out the kitchen enough so that she could just use her time cleaning without the need to tidy up first. So I went downstairs to apologize. Being the caring person she is, she shooed me right back into bed.
I still had to call Jimmy on his cell to ask him to bring glass cleaner though. Of course his phone wasn't working right and obviously didn't ring, because he just didn't pick up. I kept trying.
By 8:30 he called himself to check in with me and the urgent glass cleaner purchase could be delegated.
It got to be 8:45 and I would have to get up to get ready to go to the meditation group, and I felt this heaviness in my limbs, my body just did not want to move. It was not that was feeling bad and couldn't get up, it was more that I was sooo happy to be laying down. Then the thoughts started nagging: Lilia would really like to see me, they can't watch the buddhist teaching if I don't bring my laptop, I have already stayed at home last week, meditating is really good for me... ... After a while I just stopped myself. What was I doing? Was I listening to my body? Had I not promised to be listening to my body above anything else? Would I be going for them, or for myself if I went?
A little more pausing and breathing and then I picked up the phone and called and left a message I would not be coming.
It seems such a little thing, but this stuff gets big when you do it all the time.
Learning to be selfish. Healthily selfish. What a curious experience!
Much Love,
Tomma
It's amazing the ways in which those little things show up that I have never paid much attention to.
This morning I was ready to get up and bring Anina to school and stay at the farm store for 45 min so I could go to my meditation group, which I figured would be a good thing for me to be doing today.
Then Jimmy offered to drive Anina and come back in time, so I could stay in bed a little longer and rest. I accepted that. I did get up to get the fire going and help the two of them get out of the house in time... but went straight back to bed after they left.
As I laid there I heard Kathleen, my sweet housekeeper come in downstairs and I remembered that I had forgotten to get glass and bathroom cleaner for her. I also had not straightened out the kitchen enough so that she could just use her time cleaning without the need to tidy up first. So I went downstairs to apologize. Being the caring person she is, she shooed me right back into bed.
I still had to call Jimmy on his cell to ask him to bring glass cleaner though. Of course his phone wasn't working right and obviously didn't ring, because he just didn't pick up. I kept trying.
By 8:30 he called himself to check in with me and the urgent glass cleaner purchase could be delegated.
It got to be 8:45 and I would have to get up to get ready to go to the meditation group, and I felt this heaviness in my limbs, my body just did not want to move. It was not that was feeling bad and couldn't get up, it was more that I was sooo happy to be laying down. Then the thoughts started nagging: Lilia would really like to see me, they can't watch the buddhist teaching if I don't bring my laptop, I have already stayed at home last week, meditating is really good for me... ... After a while I just stopped myself. What was I doing? Was I listening to my body? Had I not promised to be listening to my body above anything else? Would I be going for them, or for myself if I went?
A little more pausing and breathing and then I picked up the phone and called and left a message I would not be coming.
It seems such a little thing, but this stuff gets big when you do it all the time.
Learning to be selfish. Healthily selfish. What a curious experience!
Much Love,
Tomma
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Wednesday Morning, Feb. 4th
Soooo,
This morning I did an imagery thing that Carol suggested, although it kind of took off into a bit of a different direction, but that was just fine.
In it I had intended to work with laser light on these two cysts as the exercise describes it, but somehow that didn't take off, instead I connected with the energy in each cyst and saw a visual representation of them. The first one looked like a greenish small little creature, a bit like the house elfs in Harry Potter, skinny little thing with big ears and very little hair, crouched together and pretty miserable, seems to have been complaining a lot. (Correspondingly that was the cyst that said: "I caaaaan't") I send this creature love and compassion , or rather I allowed myself to feel love and compassion for it, saying "I am sorry I love..." over and over until it started to change... That actually took a fairly long time, but finally it flipped into a healthy young man, who shouldered a bundle over his shoulder and sat out to go explore the world. With it came this old German song: "Das wandern ist des Muellers Lust..." an old song that describes the medieval apprenticeship tradition of walking from one master to the next across the country in learning your trade.
The second one looked like a worn out young woman, on her knees scrubbing the floor, in dirty grayish clothes... (Also consistent here, with the words: "I have to, I have to"...) When I started connecting with her, and said: "I am sorry, I love you." she changed into a younger girl with a colorful wide skirt about to go out to a country dance, twirling around in anticipation and a big smile on her face.
This felt really good to do, didn't take more than half an hour and feel like a great way to check in with those two each day.
Sarah sent me great material on Hydrogen peroxide, which I read and think I will do that. She has done this herself with good success.
I spoke with Doris Cohen, a medical intuitive that Christiane Northrup recommended to Carol for me. She pulled up some interesting things right during our little conversation.
One: don't let myself be dictated what the time frame of this healing is by locking myself into this one month limited schedule.
Second when asked for a number, I spouted out "7". Asked what had happened while I was 7, I told her, I started going to school, nothing much else. This prompted realization of the the significance which was that I very quickly was recognized as a VERY good student. Something neither of my parents had expected of me, as they themselves had been kind of on the average side... so it became a source of pride for them and standard for me to live up to. Doris zeroed in on this after I had elaborated a bit and said she has a sense this also has to do with filling other peoples expectations - man!!! is that a big subject for me!!!
The other thing that is interesting about my work with her is that she is from Israel, and you (in my mooncircle) remember the burden I had become aware of during the Abundance retreat, the weight I am carrying in working off the guilt of the German people toward the Jewish people. I think something beautiful will come out of this. My appointment is for next Monday.
I may do a rice cleanse... Any thoughts on cleanses, or other detox protocols?
Jimmy wants to give me a series of massages, so I will call Patrice today for that too...
That's it for now!
I am sitting by the fire...
I may come to Mary's circle tonight...
LOVE YOU!!!
Tomma
This morning I did an imagery thing that Carol suggested, although it kind of took off into a bit of a different direction, but that was just fine.
In it I had intended to work with laser light on these two cysts as the exercise describes it, but somehow that didn't take off, instead I connected with the energy in each cyst and saw a visual representation of them. The first one looked like a greenish small little creature, a bit like the house elfs in Harry Potter, skinny little thing with big ears and very little hair, crouched together and pretty miserable, seems to have been complaining a lot. (Correspondingly that was the cyst that said: "I caaaaan't") I send this creature love and compassion , or rather I allowed myself to feel love and compassion for it, saying "I am sorry I love..." over and over until it started to change... That actually took a fairly long time, but finally it flipped into a healthy young man, who shouldered a bundle over his shoulder and sat out to go explore the world. With it came this old German song: "Das wandern ist des Muellers Lust..." an old song that describes the medieval apprenticeship tradition of walking from one master to the next across the country in learning your trade.
The second one looked like a worn out young woman, on her knees scrubbing the floor, in dirty grayish clothes... (Also consistent here, with the words: "I have to, I have to"...) When I started connecting with her, and said: "I am sorry, I love you." she changed into a younger girl with a colorful wide skirt about to go out to a country dance, twirling around in anticipation and a big smile on her face.
This felt really good to do, didn't take more than half an hour and feel like a great way to check in with those two each day.
Sarah sent me great material on Hydrogen peroxide, which I read and think I will do that. She has done this herself with good success.
I spoke with Doris Cohen, a medical intuitive that Christiane Northrup recommended to Carol for me. She pulled up some interesting things right during our little conversation.
One: don't let myself be dictated what the time frame of this healing is by locking myself into this one month limited schedule.
Second when asked for a number, I spouted out "7". Asked what had happened while I was 7, I told her, I started going to school, nothing much else. This prompted realization of the the significance which was that I very quickly was recognized as a VERY good student. Something neither of my parents had expected of me, as they themselves had been kind of on the average side... so it became a source of pride for them and standard for me to live up to. Doris zeroed in on this after I had elaborated a bit and said she has a sense this also has to do with filling other peoples expectations - man!!! is that a big subject for me!!!
The other thing that is interesting about my work with her is that she is from Israel, and you (in my mooncircle) remember the burden I had become aware of during the Abundance retreat, the weight I am carrying in working off the guilt of the German people toward the Jewish people. I think something beautiful will come out of this. My appointment is for next Monday.
I may do a rice cleanse... Any thoughts on cleanses, or other detox protocols?
Jimmy wants to give me a series of massages, so I will call Patrice today for that too...
That's it for now!
I am sitting by the fire...
I may come to Mary's circle tonight...
LOVE YOU!!!
Tomma
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
The Second Journey at the Intensive
And here is the surprising discovery in the second journey.
On the second day you do what w call the physical journey, which many of you know, it's the one where you go down a set of stairs and travel into your body to find the cellular memory that has manifested in a particular way in your life. Normally you find the emotion in some place that stands out and then that links you back to the memory itself.
Now, my emotion was very hard to identify. Almost as if it didn't quite wanted to reveal itself. After some probing it was a feeling as if I was wanting to push someone away. Someone like a man. It was odd, because it just didn't bring up a memory. None, nothing even close to it. We were about to go into what old vows or beliefs were attached to this when my partner mentioned, "you know this could also be from another lifetime." and no sooner had she spoken the words that a flood of emotion came rushing in and with it new images of a group of men trying to hold me down, wanting to rape me. I felt young, maybe not older than 10 years, and it felt like they had come back from a war... of course nothing in my life even remotely resembled a situation like this, but the feeling was SO real and SO vivid, the pain of what was about to happen so overwhelmingly present, I had no other explanation in the moment that indeed this must be from another lifetime.
Again, how blessed are we to have tools that can release the impact of such trauma, that I must have carried with me, for God knows how long. We did have a campfire dialog, and I was able to step into their bodies to understand what drove them. The despair I found in there was heartbreaking. The level of inner mutilation and loss of aliveness stunning. It was as if they were on the brink of starvation from this lack of aliveness and when they saw something in me that resembled that, an innocence and a freshness, it was as if they had to take it from me simply in order to survive.
The conclusions and survival mechanism I had brought with me are all pretty obvious and familiar to me... from the kind of men I feel safe with and have been in relationship with, to the way I dress and the way my body almost hides my female features... I had of course never dreamt they came from an experience like this.
After I forgave them, the script of this particular journey version invites a group of wise women to the campfire, and suddenly there you were all with me along with the women in my family. You sang a mysterious healing chant that filled my whole body and washed me clean... very beautiful and moving. Nobody had told you to do this, it just happened all by itself.
So, you see, you all helped even more than you thought.
Thank you my wonderful friends!!
My aunt did some drumming for me over the weekend, Annabel was here and performed a little miracle in the kitchen that had been neglected, Sophia cooked a wonderful dinner, and Jimmy picked up Anina in Hudson... I am so lucky!!!
Now I am going to take a salt detox bath and put a castor oil pack on my belly to pull out some more of those toxins...
much much love
Tomma
On the second day you do what w call the physical journey, which many of you know, it's the one where you go down a set of stairs and travel into your body to find the cellular memory that has manifested in a particular way in your life. Normally you find the emotion in some place that stands out and then that links you back to the memory itself.
Now, my emotion was very hard to identify. Almost as if it didn't quite wanted to reveal itself. After some probing it was a feeling as if I was wanting to push someone away. Someone like a man. It was odd, because it just didn't bring up a memory. None, nothing even close to it. We were about to go into what old vows or beliefs were attached to this when my partner mentioned, "you know this could also be from another lifetime." and no sooner had she spoken the words that a flood of emotion came rushing in and with it new images of a group of men trying to hold me down, wanting to rape me. I felt young, maybe not older than 10 years, and it felt like they had come back from a war... of course nothing in my life even remotely resembled a situation like this, but the feeling was SO real and SO vivid, the pain of what was about to happen so overwhelmingly present, I had no other explanation in the moment that indeed this must be from another lifetime.
Again, how blessed are we to have tools that can release the impact of such trauma, that I must have carried with me, for God knows how long. We did have a campfire dialog, and I was able to step into their bodies to understand what drove them. The despair I found in there was heartbreaking. The level of inner mutilation and loss of aliveness stunning. It was as if they were on the brink of starvation from this lack of aliveness and when they saw something in me that resembled that, an innocence and a freshness, it was as if they had to take it from me simply in order to survive.
The conclusions and survival mechanism I had brought with me are all pretty obvious and familiar to me... from the kind of men I feel safe with and have been in relationship with, to the way I dress and the way my body almost hides my female features... I had of course never dreamt they came from an experience like this.
After I forgave them, the script of this particular journey version invites a group of wise women to the campfire, and suddenly there you were all with me along with the women in my family. You sang a mysterious healing chant that filled my whole body and washed me clean... very beautiful and moving. Nobody had told you to do this, it just happened all by itself.
So, you see, you all helped even more than you thought.
Thank you my wonderful friends!!
My aunt did some drumming for me over the weekend, Annabel was here and performed a little miracle in the kitchen that had been neglected, Sophia cooked a wonderful dinner, and Jimmy picked up Anina in Hudson... I am so lucky!!!
Now I am going to take a salt detox bath and put a castor oil pack on my belly to pull out some more of those toxins...
much much love
Tomma
Tuesday, Feb. 3rd - After the Journey Intensive Weekend
Sweet friends,
We got back really late last night, and even though I had taken it slow, I was pretty tired. We had met Sophia in front of her new apartment on Thompson Street in Soho, and Jimmy and Constantin carried the contents of two cars up to the fifth floor. What a cute place!! Very small, but totally charming.
I only walked up once and stayed there to unpack some of the items from their wrapped state.
Afterwards we took her to Ikea to get some more of the necessary big items she needs, and even though I sat down a lot in between, that was a bit exhausting. We had it all delivered, so no more schlepping of heavy stuff up the stairs. It all just took so long, we didn't end up leaving the city until after 7:00.
The Journey Intensive itself was really quite amazing.
It was a small event, probably due to the bad economy, we were more trainers than participants... But, oh the amount of love and support and advice, and good wishes was huge! What wonderful people, what an extraordinary group of people have merged in this larger northeastern area to do this work! It feels like another soft cocoon of loving care I fell into this weekend.
Now, my two journeys were really powerful and interesting, and quite intense. They have provided more insight as to what I have been storing in these two cysts.
If you are interested here is a description:
In the first journey we went into each cyst separately to see what was present in them. The fluid one, which is also the one that has the slight chance of being cancerous, initially felt like something on hold and quiet, almost dormant, but beneath that I started to hear this tiny little scream: "I can't do this!!!" and with that came a flood of despair and sense of failure, a huge amount of emotional energy that emptied itself out through my whole body, no memory... and then a resting and a relief.
In the second cyst I felt something very different: a restlessness, a blind doing with a relentless summoning of effort. That one had words too: "I have to, I have to, I have to, I have to..." in constant repetition. And beneath that one a huge wave of anger that came out with some foul language: "Why the fuck can't you leave me alone?!" - Wow. No memory here either. ... and after this too had emptied itself out, again a resting and a sense of ease.
The memory itself came later, through a presence of doubt: "Can it really be this easy? Can you just live without effort and trying hard and failing a lot along the way?" It took me back to when I was two years old. We lived in Brussels at the time and my mother had a juicer in the kitchen which she liked to use for making fresh carrot, apple and beet juice. That day she had put me next to her on the counter and as I was sitting there, I heard the humm of the juicer, watched with fascination the juice come out of the spout and mesmerized by this magical machine, I stuck my little middle finger into the only opening I could see, which was the vent on the side where the blade was rotating. It cut off part of the tip of my finger. My mother had to rush me to the hospital where it was sewn up.
I had taken on a whole bunch of conclusions and beliefs from this experience. How lucky we are that we can remove such old baggage!
And finally source itself. I don't right now recall how exactly I arrived there, only the image and consciousness of it: an experience of everything penetrated by something that was hard to name... the closest description was a jubilant love. I was as if everything, even the smallest inanimate object was made up of it, visible in a sparkling glow that looked a bit like millions of tiny embers, or light filled crystals under the surface. Everything is filled with this, there is no difference, whether that is a cyst in my body, a piece of garbage on the street, a fruit in my hand, or an event taking place... the life force that fills it all has that same quality... more can be said how this jubilant love responded to all the previous layers in the journey...
... but it is getting late and I want to get it out.
Patrice is waiting for a return call... my stomach is waiting for a bit more food... and you may be waiting to hear from me.
I will write more later today.
with love and much gratitude...
Tomma
We got back really late last night, and even though I had taken it slow, I was pretty tired. We had met Sophia in front of her new apartment on Thompson Street in Soho, and Jimmy and Constantin carried the contents of two cars up to the fifth floor. What a cute place!! Very small, but totally charming.
I only walked up once and stayed there to unpack some of the items from their wrapped state.
Afterwards we took her to Ikea to get some more of the necessary big items she needs, and even though I sat down a lot in between, that was a bit exhausting. We had it all delivered, so no more schlepping of heavy stuff up the stairs. It all just took so long, we didn't end up leaving the city until after 7:00.
The Journey Intensive itself was really quite amazing.
It was a small event, probably due to the bad economy, we were more trainers than participants... But, oh the amount of love and support and advice, and good wishes was huge! What wonderful people, what an extraordinary group of people have merged in this larger northeastern area to do this work! It feels like another soft cocoon of loving care I fell into this weekend.
Now, my two journeys were really powerful and interesting, and quite intense. They have provided more insight as to what I have been storing in these two cysts.
If you are interested here is a description:
In the first journey we went into each cyst separately to see what was present in them. The fluid one, which is also the one that has the slight chance of being cancerous, initially felt like something on hold and quiet, almost dormant, but beneath that I started to hear this tiny little scream: "I can't do this!!!" and with that came a flood of despair and sense of failure, a huge amount of emotional energy that emptied itself out through my whole body, no memory... and then a resting and a relief.
In the second cyst I felt something very different: a restlessness, a blind doing with a relentless summoning of effort. That one had words too: "I have to, I have to, I have to, I have to..." in constant repetition. And beneath that one a huge wave of anger that came out with some foul language: "Why the fuck can't you leave me alone?!" - Wow. No memory here either. ... and after this too had emptied itself out, again a resting and a sense of ease.
The memory itself came later, through a presence of doubt: "Can it really be this easy? Can you just live without effort and trying hard and failing a lot along the way?" It took me back to when I was two years old. We lived in Brussels at the time and my mother had a juicer in the kitchen which she liked to use for making fresh carrot, apple and beet juice. That day she had put me next to her on the counter and as I was sitting there, I heard the humm of the juicer, watched with fascination the juice come out of the spout and mesmerized by this magical machine, I stuck my little middle finger into the only opening I could see, which was the vent on the side where the blade was rotating. It cut off part of the tip of my finger. My mother had to rush me to the hospital where it was sewn up.
I had taken on a whole bunch of conclusions and beliefs from this experience. How lucky we are that we can remove such old baggage!
And finally source itself. I don't right now recall how exactly I arrived there, only the image and consciousness of it: an experience of everything penetrated by something that was hard to name... the closest description was a jubilant love. I was as if everything, even the smallest inanimate object was made up of it, visible in a sparkling glow that looked a bit like millions of tiny embers, or light filled crystals under the surface. Everything is filled with this, there is no difference, whether that is a cyst in my body, a piece of garbage on the street, a fruit in my hand, or an event taking place... the life force that fills it all has that same quality... more can be said how this jubilant love responded to all the previous layers in the journey...
... but it is getting late and I want to get it out.
Patrice is waiting for a return call... my stomach is waiting for a bit more food... and you may be waiting to hear from me.
I will write more later today.
with love and much gratitude...
Tomma
Friday, Jan 30th in Manhatten
Friday night, 10:15 PM,
Constantin's apartment, Manhatten.
I can't send anything today as we don't have internet reception here in the city... nevertheless a few words to memorize the day. I may be able to send it off to you all tomorrow morning back at the hotel.
Interestingly Sophia got really sick last night, after she and Anina came back from Karen's Yoga class. There was my oldest daughter sitting on the floor, moaning mostly and cussing in between. Violently nauseous. Later she started throwing up... and continued to do so throughout the night. Lucky for me it didn't wake me up.
Annabel had cooked this beautiful dinner for us, what a treat! And Denise was there too, more help and special treatment. Very unfamiliar to be taking such gifts of labor and love in, just letting them in... the impulse is to want to do "my part" too, or to justify silently on the inside why I am not doing... and talk myself into the permission to simply receive.
One of my journey friends walked up to me after the trainers satsang and offered again her help, as she had already done by e-mail. I told her I was getting better at asking and receiving help and support, which prompted her to tell me the story of Elisabeth Kuebler-Ross' Mother , who had always been a very active woman all her life and ... then she had a stroke and had to live the last part of her life with constant help and assistance. Someone said, it was a blessing she was able to have this experience, it might have saved her a whole lifetime as an invalid, because now it made it possible for her soul to learn how to receive.
Off to bed... reallllly tired...
Love
Tomma
Constantin's apartment, Manhatten.
I can't send anything today as we don't have internet reception here in the city... nevertheless a few words to memorize the day. I may be able to send it off to you all tomorrow morning back at the hotel.
Interestingly Sophia got really sick last night, after she and Anina came back from Karen's Yoga class. There was my oldest daughter sitting on the floor, moaning mostly and cussing in between. Violently nauseous. Later she started throwing up... and continued to do so throughout the night. Lucky for me it didn't wake me up.
Annabel had cooked this beautiful dinner for us, what a treat! And Denise was there too, more help and special treatment. Very unfamiliar to be taking such gifts of labor and love in, just letting them in... the impulse is to want to do "my part" too, or to justify silently on the inside why I am not doing... and talk myself into the permission to simply receive.
One of my journey friends walked up to me after the trainers satsang and offered again her help, as she had already done by e-mail. I told her I was getting better at asking and receiving help and support, which prompted her to tell me the story of Elisabeth Kuebler-Ross' Mother , who had always been a very active woman all her life and ... then she had a stroke and had to live the last part of her life with constant help and assistance. Someone said, it was a blessing she was able to have this experience, it might have saved her a whole lifetime as an invalid, because now it made it possible for her soul to learn how to receive.
Off to bed... reallllly tired...
Love
Tomma
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