My Journey today... Fri. Jan 6th

Wow, I've had quite a morning,

I had scheduled myself for two more journeys, one today and one on Sunday.
But first thing we noticed when we woke up was how cold it was in the house, moments later the phone rang and it was my tenant reporting that the furnace had gone off and his thermometer read 45 degrees. Ouch! On the way to school the car showed me a mere 7 degrees.

I am concerned about the pipes. Some are not bringing up heat.

And in all this focusing on myself I had forgotten to be present with the oil delivery schedule and not ordered a new delivery in time. Jimmy, my angel promptly ran out to get diesel from the gas station and relight the furnace, one more run he made brought us up to about 30 gallons which will hold us over until tomorrow when the truck comes.

Then Bruce, my second angel of the day, called for the journey process. He suggested a new format I had never experienced, from the conscious leadership workshops he had participated in. A "simple" process that brings up all the negative labels, beliefs and judgements you live with. At first it didn't feel all that powerful, a lot of them I had been conscious of, but then a few were new discoveries, and some came up with a lot of emotion, and the part that made it really amazing was visualizing them in their totality... in the very end they become visible as a structure that surrounds you, that you have lived in.. woh, was that a wake up call to what I am constantly schlepping around with me.

Here is some the the hidden stuff that I saw. The stuff I don't want other people to see, that I don't even want to see myself. I am writing this in the awareness that not just you, my beloved moon-circle women can read this, but a lot of other people, and so this will be part of my clearing and healing to pull it out into the open.

My biggest fear and greatest pain right now seems to be failure.

Failure in many ways. Ways I have failed my daughter Sophia, knowing that even though we dance every relationship WITH the other person... I must have contributed to her current state of depression and lack of motivation, vision or joy for her life, and her inability to let other people in, or help her, or believe she can't be helped by anybody... and thinking I know what it was that I did, the considerable pain over having let it happen.

Ways I have failed my home by not taking care of it and neglecting certain repairs and upkeeps... always from lack of money or time...

Ways I fail Jimmy when he doesn't get from me what he needs.

Ways I have failed to be successful, not just doing "ok" but reallllly being successful, because the means I have failed to reach people, failed to bring this work where it is needed.

Most of all ways I have failed myself, in not living up to my own high standards. Not having been able to always be what I believe I can be, not being able to pull myself up and live the full version of my potential. Not even able to keep my desk in an organized state. When asked who am I in my darkest moments that I don't want anybody else to see, what tumbled out of my mouth was: "That I am nothing but an average, needy person who doesn't really contribute anything significant to the world and therefore has no right to even be here." Woha! That hurt! And what about this judgement on "average" people?!
This erupted, was there with a huge wave of emotion for a minute or so, and then faded.

At the end of course I walked out, this whole structure crumbled and my mentor removed all this garbage out of my cellular consciousness and replaced it with something... well... better of course.

Now I am fairly tired.

Sophia packed up the remainder of her belongings and left with a stuffed car to move in tomorrow, when all her big items from Ikea come in.
Tomorrow I am receiving a first massage. And more to follow.

I am awaiting the order of food grade hydrogen peroxide.

And a new load of higher quality, DRY firewood.


I love you all!
Tomma