I really love this three part thing that Suzi and Lydia and Annabel are using, so here it goes:
I brag that I have continued to clean out my files, and drawers, and boxes, and piles of paper, and stacks of envelopes from my office for the past four days!
I brag I have thrown out two large bags and four boxes worth of old papers, that are now standing in the hallway ready for the recycling bin.
I brag that I have filed bank statements and office bills dating back as far as the beginning of 2007.
I brag that I have sorted through and organized my entire tax statements for the past 10 years too.
I brag that I have started to pull together and collected about half of my expense numbers for the 2008 tax year.
I brag that I am beginning to love to come into my office now.
I brag that I have the intention and the strength to continue to do this until it is DONE, before I embark on any new projects.
I brag that I booked my trip to Hamburg for the beautiful month of May.
I am grateful beyond belief for my fellow moon-goddesses and WOT-sisters (Walking Our Talk) for all the support and love and food coming my way!!
I am grateful, so grateful to Jimmy for taking such loving good care of me, even when at times he was feeling rotten and sick and tired to the bones himself!
I am grateful Jimmy is starting to feel so much better now.
I am grateful we have all this new luxury in our TV-room/Office: a new HD TV screen, a new lovely sofa, and a new seven speaker surround-sound system. (Jimmy is even happier than me, he is like a kid in a candy store)
I am grateful to know Eve and Trice are coming tonight, and Susan is coming tomorrow!
I am grateful my body is speaking so clearly to me.
I am grateful for this amazing time of clearing, opening, learning and becoming a more fully realized human being.
I am grateful to be able to share my experiences and thoughts that seem to provide inspiration to others.
I am grateful for Spring starting to arrive and the first green shoots of crocuses and tulips showing up through the old leaves on the ground.
I am grateful to have Anina here for just two more weeks before she goes to Germany.
I am grateful that I will be able to visit to see Anina in Berlin with Jimmy and that I will be celebrating my birthday with my parents and Jimmy in Germany this year.
I am grateful to feel a flow, a guidance, and a presence beyond my limited self that does indeed carry me through each of these days.
I desire to stay open and to listen to what mysteries and new things are here for me to discover in the continuation of my larger Journey.
and... I desire to be at a white beach and a warm body of water, or in the breathtaking landscape of the southwest sometime this year.
Much much love!!
Tomma
Monday, March 30, 2009
Friday, March 27, 2009
Two Weeks and counting...
Today the surgery is already two weeks in the past. Wow.
I can feel that now. More strength, definitely.
Today I didn't need to take a nap for the first time since I have come home. I'll still go to bed early though, I am sure.
I was up and sorting through papers and bills and receipts and bookkeeping stuff the entire morning, made calls to my health insurance and cleared up coverage questions... I just feel so amazingly productive! I made it through piles of papers today hadn't been able to touch in months and months. Yesterday I had already opened all my mail and that was a stack at least 10 inches high! Interesting, right? All of a sudden it was easy. It is not unpleasant, I am not rushing through this. I do it very slowly, methodically and without any inner pressure whatsoever.
It feels a bit as if all the guilt of having accumulated these piles to begin with, has just quietly melted away. I am thinking it may have been that very guilt, more than anything else, that used to make it so hard to touch these piles. It used to be something I SHOULD have done days ago, a week ago, months ago. Every single envelope used to shout at me: you are unorganized, a slob, a mess, a failure!... my whole desk used to make me sick. Now that I think about it, it seems ever quite so stupid, but I really behaved as if by ignoring those piles of mail and paper I could somehow erase the fact that I had lacked in disciplined action, diligence, and organizational skill again and again and again... and thus by ignoring them I perpetuated their very presence, and heard those loud voices of judgment wherever I looked every moment I sat at my desk. Poooohhh! What a set up!
Well, those days will soon be over.
Now, I'll actually stop and go to the kitchen to start warming up some of the deliciousnesses that still wait in my fridge from this weeks Goddesss-supplies.
Thank you my fridge-fairies Carol, and Melissa and Karen and Sarah, oh you don't know how grateful we have been for you all!!!
Much love!!!
Tomma
I can feel that now. More strength, definitely.
Today I didn't need to take a nap for the first time since I have come home. I'll still go to bed early though, I am sure.
I was up and sorting through papers and bills and receipts and bookkeeping stuff the entire morning, made calls to my health insurance and cleared up coverage questions... I just feel so amazingly productive! I made it through piles of papers today hadn't been able to touch in months and months. Yesterday I had already opened all my mail and that was a stack at least 10 inches high! Interesting, right? All of a sudden it was easy. It is not unpleasant, I am not rushing through this. I do it very slowly, methodically and without any inner pressure whatsoever.
It feels a bit as if all the guilt of having accumulated these piles to begin with, has just quietly melted away. I am thinking it may have been that very guilt, more than anything else, that used to make it so hard to touch these piles. It used to be something I SHOULD have done days ago, a week ago, months ago. Every single envelope used to shout at me: you are unorganized, a slob, a mess, a failure!... my whole desk used to make me sick. Now that I think about it, it seems ever quite so stupid, but I really behaved as if by ignoring those piles of mail and paper I could somehow erase the fact that I had lacked in disciplined action, diligence, and organizational skill again and again and again... and thus by ignoring them I perpetuated their very presence, and heard those loud voices of judgment wherever I looked every moment I sat at my desk. Poooohhh! What a set up!
Well, those days will soon be over.
Now, I'll actually stop and go to the kitchen to start warming up some of the deliciousnesses that still wait in my fridge from this weeks Goddesss-supplies.
Thank you my fridge-fairies Carol, and Melissa and Karen and Sarah, oh you don't know how grateful we have been for you all!!!
Much love!!!
Tomma
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Honoring my Limitations
Dearest friends,
Resting today. Lot of resting. Feels like I maybe overdid it a bit Monday and Tuesday. Went to see Dr Morrissey for my first post-op-check-up. Sounded pretty easy: Hop in the car, with my trusty chauffeur Jimmy, walk into the building, sit down for my appointment, be driven over the the Center for Integrative Health and Healing and pick up my hormone prescription, drive to the compounding pharmacy and pick my creams up there... and then maybe a short stop at Crossgates where I can stay in the car while Jimmy buys himself some new walking shoes.
Man! Is my body still in a different state! Not so eager to absorb every crack and pothole in the road.
After we were done at the center and our stomachs demanded a bite to eat at the really nice Java Jazz Cafe, I was sooo tired I almost fell asleep at the table.
We skipped the remaining two stops on our itinerary and went straight back home.
Yesterday I took Nini to Chatham to get some paint for the 10th grade play poster she has been working on for the entire last week. HAD to do that because Jimmy was up in Albany again getting my hormones and his shoes. Thought I do a little driving lesson with her, after all, she has her driving test this FRIDAY (yikes!!!) and I haven't been able to do anything with her all this time....
Two days on the road and my body says: STOP!!!
So I stop.
And I rest.
Just posted the full transcript of the Journey on the blog... in case any of you are interested. What source had to say to the other layers is quite interesting too.
Karen brought some bright messengers of spring that are smiling sunshine at me out of their little vase home... lovely food is waiting in the fridge, Jimmy is coming over to make lunch, afterwards I'll take a nap... I am happy.
Love!! - Tomma
Resting today. Lot of resting. Feels like I maybe overdid it a bit Monday and Tuesday. Went to see Dr Morrissey for my first post-op-check-up. Sounded pretty easy: Hop in the car, with my trusty chauffeur Jimmy, walk into the building, sit down for my appointment, be driven over the the Center for Integrative Health and Healing and pick up my hormone prescription, drive to the compounding pharmacy and pick my creams up there... and then maybe a short stop at Crossgates where I can stay in the car while Jimmy buys himself some new walking shoes.
Man! Is my body still in a different state! Not so eager to absorb every crack and pothole in the road.
After we were done at the center and our stomachs demanded a bite to eat at the really nice Java Jazz Cafe, I was sooo tired I almost fell asleep at the table.
We skipped the remaining two stops on our itinerary and went straight back home.
Yesterday I took Nini to Chatham to get some paint for the 10th grade play poster she has been working on for the entire last week. HAD to do that because Jimmy was up in Albany again getting my hormones and his shoes. Thought I do a little driving lesson with her, after all, she has her driving test this FRIDAY (yikes!!!) and I haven't been able to do anything with her all this time....
Two days on the road and my body says: STOP!!!
So I stop.
And I rest.
Just posted the full transcript of the Journey on the blog... in case any of you are interested. What source had to say to the other layers is quite interesting too.
Karen brought some bright messengers of spring that are smiling sunshine at me out of their little vase home... lovely food is waiting in the fridge, Jimmy is coming over to make lunch, afterwards I'll take a nap... I am happy.
Love!! - Tomma
Full Journey Transcript
Tomma’s notes from her Journey session about the cysts:
Which I’ll call “Conversations With Cysts”
First, the emotional layers are important.
The first one was a deep and painful failure.
2nd was profound sadness.
The third was an emptiness as in a void and in a disconnection. An absence of connection.
Next I entered a neutral spaciousness. It was empty but spacious. Not uncomfortable or painful any more...just neutral. And in that spaciousness I felt a sort of sense of freedom, a welcoming freedom. It was a like all of a sudden there was a veil of green color there, green...little strands or wisps of green, that’s what this freedom looked like.
Next layer was light, just light, nothing very dramatic, but within that, and a sense of guidance, a very strong, powerful guidance. An awareness that nothing can ever go wrong.
Finally it opened up into this vast space or awareness of connectedness, these veins of light were not only connecting everything and pulsing through everything but also they were the guidance as to how everything was connected in every moment evolving into the future.
This connectedness then spoke, first to the guidance and to the light and said that this connectedness behaves much like blood flowing through a body, there are places in a body where you hit a big vein and were it’s obvious that blood is flowing through there, and there’s a strong sense of purpose or direction, and there are other parts of the body where you are maybe in the tissue, where it’s not that obvious that blood is flowing, but it still IS. There are many parts of life just like the tissue in the body, that are still connected even though it’s much more subtle. You ARE always connected wherever you are. There is no experience or part of life in which you are not connected. The very fact that you are alive means you are connected, just like tissue is connected to blood.
To the welcoming freedom: Freedom is what you feel when you remember that you are connected. It means there is no mistake. Remembering that makes you feel this free.
To the emptiness, the neutral spaciousness: This is the state when you forget that you are connected. But it’s in the state of spaciousness that you can remember that you are connected.
The emptiness or the void is nothing but an illusion. In truth, there is no such place, thing or experience that is disconnected, it just feels that way. And: notice that the experience of emptiness or void always goes along with a certain amount of effort. And force. Because it takes effort or force to keep the connectedness out of your experience. When you can notice where you’ve placed your effort and let go of it, connectedness will automatically return.
To the sadness, they said: Poor thing, no wonder you were suffering.
To the failure, they said: There is no such thing. You are always guided.
When I went to the campfire, there was no younger me showing up. What really needed to show up were both of my cysts, because that's who my present self needed to talk to. And they showed up with a kind of phantom self holding each of these cysts in each arm, like babies. There was also my enlightment mentor and my global awareness mentor , a very big, somewhat transparent figure - who shows up for issues that go beyond my single person.
My present self started to speak.
It just came pouring out: all this enormous sadness and frustration over WHY had they not responded? Why had they led me to believe I could heal this when they weren’t responding? Why did it look like I was meant to make this experience part of a message to other people, and now this message was being withheld from me? Wasn’t I supposed to be able to serve the purpose of the journey by allowing other people to see the healing we can do with it?
"Why, why did you let me do all this work, why did you give me all this time if you were not going to respond to it?
It’s not fair. I feel like a fool! How can I ever tell my clients that the Journey is working when it’s not working for myself? You have made me feel like such a miserable fraud, can't you see that?"
The answer from the cysts came in a very clear and sober voice:
"We are bringing nothing but liberation.
This experience is here to serve you. There were other things you needed to discover. You didn’t need to experience that the Journey was working, you already knew that. But there were other things beyond the Journey that were and are waiting for you. There is more mystery and unknown ahead of you after the surgery that you need to follow. If we had responded just a little bit, we know you would have stopped. And wouldn’t have been able to find what is waiting for you...
This experience was not at all about what you are bringing to the world, what the Journey can bring to the world, it’s solely and entirely about you. It is only about what you are discovering in the process."
Wow. I heard that and I got it.
My enlightenment mentor was so cheerful he did a little dance and said: “There is a whole new universe waiting for you. You just wait and see.”
Then my global awareness mentor added: “This experience is also about becoming part of the energy that dissolves the separation between the two healing approaches. On both sides there is too much holding on to an either/or mentality and a proving the other wrong. You as someone who is very firmly rooted in the spiritual and alternative side of healing, now have a chance to enter into experiencing the medical side. Only in experiencing the healing that is offered on this side of the equation will you be able to become a bridge between the two worlds and a force that leaves the duality, polarity and separation behind. It is very important that this happens in the world right now."
More wow.
There wasn't really anything else to say after this.
I ended with thanking the cysts for the clarity with which they had spoken, for the gifts they have already brought me. You can't imagine the relief I felt from understanding what this was all about. I told the cysts I love them very much and I really, really meant it. And then I let them go in profound peace and humility.
At the end I just allowed myself to be flooded with forgiveness for myself. Thanked my mentors, and saw the cysts go into the fire.
And that’s it.
Which I’ll call “Conversations With Cysts”
First, the emotional layers are important.
The first one was a deep and painful failure.
2nd was profound sadness.
The third was an emptiness as in a void and in a disconnection. An absence of connection.
Next I entered a neutral spaciousness. It was empty but spacious. Not uncomfortable or painful any more...just neutral. And in that spaciousness I felt a sort of sense of freedom, a welcoming freedom. It was a like all of a sudden there was a veil of green color there, green...little strands or wisps of green, that’s what this freedom looked like.
Next layer was light, just light, nothing very dramatic, but within that, and a sense of guidance, a very strong, powerful guidance. An awareness that nothing can ever go wrong.
Finally it opened up into this vast space or awareness of connectedness, these veins of light were not only connecting everything and pulsing through everything but also they were the guidance as to how everything was connected in every moment evolving into the future.
This connectedness then spoke, first to the guidance and to the light and said that this connectedness behaves much like blood flowing through a body, there are places in a body where you hit a big vein and were it’s obvious that blood is flowing through there, and there’s a strong sense of purpose or direction, and there are other parts of the body where you are maybe in the tissue, where it’s not that obvious that blood is flowing, but it still IS. There are many parts of life just like the tissue in the body, that are still connected even though it’s much more subtle. You ARE always connected wherever you are. There is no experience or part of life in which you are not connected. The very fact that you are alive means you are connected, just like tissue is connected to blood.
To the welcoming freedom: Freedom is what you feel when you remember that you are connected. It means there is no mistake. Remembering that makes you feel this free.
To the emptiness, the neutral spaciousness: This is the state when you forget that you are connected. But it’s in the state of spaciousness that you can remember that you are connected.
The emptiness or the void is nothing but an illusion. In truth, there is no such place, thing or experience that is disconnected, it just feels that way. And: notice that the experience of emptiness or void always goes along with a certain amount of effort. And force. Because it takes effort or force to keep the connectedness out of your experience. When you can notice where you’ve placed your effort and let go of it, connectedness will automatically return.
To the sadness, they said: Poor thing, no wonder you were suffering.
To the failure, they said: There is no such thing. You are always guided.
When I went to the campfire, there was no younger me showing up. What really needed to show up were both of my cysts, because that's who my present self needed to talk to. And they showed up with a kind of phantom self holding each of these cysts in each arm, like babies. There was also my enlightment mentor and my global awareness mentor , a very big, somewhat transparent figure - who shows up for issues that go beyond my single person.
My present self started to speak.
It just came pouring out: all this enormous sadness and frustration over WHY had they not responded? Why had they led me to believe I could heal this when they weren’t responding? Why did it look like I was meant to make this experience part of a message to other people, and now this message was being withheld from me? Wasn’t I supposed to be able to serve the purpose of the journey by allowing other people to see the healing we can do with it?
"Why, why did you let me do all this work, why did you give me all this time if you were not going to respond to it?
It’s not fair. I feel like a fool! How can I ever tell my clients that the Journey is working when it’s not working for myself? You have made me feel like such a miserable fraud, can't you see that?"
The answer from the cysts came in a very clear and sober voice:
"We are bringing nothing but liberation.
This experience is here to serve you. There were other things you needed to discover. You didn’t need to experience that the Journey was working, you already knew that. But there were other things beyond the Journey that were and are waiting for you. There is more mystery and unknown ahead of you after the surgery that you need to follow. If we had responded just a little bit, we know you would have stopped. And wouldn’t have been able to find what is waiting for you...
This experience was not at all about what you are bringing to the world, what the Journey can bring to the world, it’s solely and entirely about you. It is only about what you are discovering in the process."
Wow. I heard that and I got it.
My enlightenment mentor was so cheerful he did a little dance and said: “There is a whole new universe waiting for you. You just wait and see.”
Then my global awareness mentor added: “This experience is also about becoming part of the energy that dissolves the separation between the two healing approaches. On both sides there is too much holding on to an either/or mentality and a proving the other wrong. You as someone who is very firmly rooted in the spiritual and alternative side of healing, now have a chance to enter into experiencing the medical side. Only in experiencing the healing that is offered on this side of the equation will you be able to become a bridge between the two worlds and a force that leaves the duality, polarity and separation behind. It is very important that this happens in the world right now."
More wow.
There wasn't really anything else to say after this.
I ended with thanking the cysts for the clarity with which they had spoken, for the gifts they have already brought me. You can't imagine the relief I felt from understanding what this was all about. I told the cysts I love them very much and I really, really meant it. And then I let them go in profound peace and humility.
At the end I just allowed myself to be flooded with forgiveness for myself. Thanked my mentors, and saw the cysts go into the fire.
And that’s it.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
The Key Journey
All right, it is time to fill in what might be the biggest key piece in my Journey so far.
I have been putting it off. I have been really lazy these past couple of days, vegging in front the of TV - man, that is so unlike me, and it being ok to be this nonproductive. Quite an unfamiliar daily bottom line to hold out on for this long.
Sophia's Birthday came and went, Friday came and went with a special treat of having not only Patrice come with a gourmet white bean soup, but also Lise and Janusz with a humongous salad, AND Sarah and Roger!! Janusz and Roger even helped carry in our new sofa. We saw more beautiful pictures form Antigua and I felt oh so connected to you all.
Saturday came and went with much time on that new sofa watching the better part of four(!) completely randomly nonconnected movies that I hadn't even picked myself for the most part. (Hmmm, nonconnected?)
Today I felt like accomplishing something again, and these days that translates mostly into writing.
One day before the surgery I hit rock bottom. I had done this beautiful integrative piece with my friend Lori, where you envision three high energy end results of the surgery. I was really uplifted by this when Marilyn came and made me aware that she had put the results of that famous CatScan blank side up on my bedside wagon. I hadn't even seen it!
When I finally looked at those measurement numbers for the cysts, none of them had changed A BIT. NOT AT ALL. Not even the solid one that I had see on the sonogram as so much smaller. It was like nothing, nothing, nothing had happened in these past weeks. And it simply floored me. I was so devastated, I just couldn't stop sobbing.
Right on target one hour before my last Journey was scheduled.
I will post the complete scrip on the blog, but it is a bit longer, so here I will give you the highlights from my conversation at the campfire.
I entered this conversation from a source experience of connectedness, from a remembering that whatever happens in my life, WHATEVER that may be, it can only come into existence through that connectedness and unfailing guidance. Much like any little piece of flesh in my body is connected to my heart, and to life itself through the myriad of blood vessels, so runs a web of light and guidance through every part of my life experience. If something happens, it IS connected. There is no such thing as a mistake.
At the campfire there was no younger me that needed to show up, instead my present self needed to talk to the cysts.
It just came pouring out: all this sadness and frustration over WHY had they not responded? Why had they led me to believe I could heal this when they weren’t responding? Why did it look like I was meant to make this experience part of a message to other people, and now this message was being withheld from me? Wasn’t I supposed to be able to serve the purpose of the journey by allowing other people to see the healing we can do with it?
Why, why did you let me do all this work, why did you give me all this time if you were not going to respond to it?
It’s not fair. I feel like a fool! How can I ever tell my clients that the Journey is working when it’s not working for myself? I feel like such a miserable fraud, can't you see that?
The answer from the cysts came in a very clear and sober voice:
"We are bringing nothing but liberation.
This experience is here to serve you. There were other things you needed to discover. You didn’t need to experience that the Journey was working, you already knew that. But there were other things beyond the Journey that were and are waiting for you. There is more mystery and unknown ahead of you after the surgery that you need to follow. If we had responded just a little bit, we know you would have stopped. And wouldn’t have been able to find what is waiting for you...
This experience was not at all about what you are bringing to the world, what the Journey can bring to the world, it’s solely and entirely about you. It is only about what you are discovering in the process."
Wow.
My global awareness mentor said, “This experience is also about becoming part of the energy that dissolves the separation between the two healing approaches. On both sides there is too much holding on to an either/or mentality and a proving the other wrong. You as someone who is very firmly rooted in the spiritual and alternative side of healing, now have a chance to enter into the medical side. Only in experiencing the healing that is offered on his side of the equation will you be able to become a bridge between the two worlds and a force that leaves the duality, polarity and separation behind. It is very important that this happens in the world right now."
More wow.
There wasn't really anything else to say after this.
I ended with thanking the cysts for the clarity with which they had spoken, for the gifts they have already brought me. You can't imagine the relief I felt from understanding what this was all about. I told the cysts I love them very much and I really, really meant it. And then I let them go in profound peace and humility.
I have been putting it off. I have been really lazy these past couple of days, vegging in front the of TV - man, that is so unlike me, and it being ok to be this nonproductive. Quite an unfamiliar daily bottom line to hold out on for this long.
Sophia's Birthday came and went, Friday came and went with a special treat of having not only Patrice come with a gourmet white bean soup, but also Lise and Janusz with a humongous salad, AND Sarah and Roger!! Janusz and Roger even helped carry in our new sofa. We saw more beautiful pictures form Antigua and I felt oh so connected to you all.
Saturday came and went with much time on that new sofa watching the better part of four(!) completely randomly nonconnected movies that I hadn't even picked myself for the most part. (Hmmm, nonconnected?)
Today I felt like accomplishing something again, and these days that translates mostly into writing.
One day before the surgery I hit rock bottom. I had done this beautiful integrative piece with my friend Lori, where you envision three high energy end results of the surgery. I was really uplifted by this when Marilyn came and made me aware that she had put the results of that famous CatScan blank side up on my bedside wagon. I hadn't even seen it!
When I finally looked at those measurement numbers for the cysts, none of them had changed A BIT. NOT AT ALL. Not even the solid one that I had see on the sonogram as so much smaller. It was like nothing, nothing, nothing had happened in these past weeks. And it simply floored me. I was so devastated, I just couldn't stop sobbing.
Right on target one hour before my last Journey was scheduled.
I will post the complete scrip on the blog, but it is a bit longer, so here I will give you the highlights from my conversation at the campfire.
I entered this conversation from a source experience of connectedness, from a remembering that whatever happens in my life, WHATEVER that may be, it can only come into existence through that connectedness and unfailing guidance. Much like any little piece of flesh in my body is connected to my heart, and to life itself through the myriad of blood vessels, so runs a web of light and guidance through every part of my life experience. If something happens, it IS connected. There is no such thing as a mistake.
At the campfire there was no younger me that needed to show up, instead my present self needed to talk to the cysts.
It just came pouring out: all this sadness and frustration over WHY had they not responded? Why had they led me to believe I could heal this when they weren’t responding? Why did it look like I was meant to make this experience part of a message to other people, and now this message was being withheld from me? Wasn’t I supposed to be able to serve the purpose of the journey by allowing other people to see the healing we can do with it?
Why, why did you let me do all this work, why did you give me all this time if you were not going to respond to it?
It’s not fair. I feel like a fool! How can I ever tell my clients that the Journey is working when it’s not working for myself? I feel like such a miserable fraud, can't you see that?
The answer from the cysts came in a very clear and sober voice:
"We are bringing nothing but liberation.
This experience is here to serve you. There were other things you needed to discover. You didn’t need to experience that the Journey was working, you already knew that. But there were other things beyond the Journey that were and are waiting for you. There is more mystery and unknown ahead of you after the surgery that you need to follow. If we had responded just a little bit, we know you would have stopped. And wouldn’t have been able to find what is waiting for you...
This experience was not at all about what you are bringing to the world, what the Journey can bring to the world, it’s solely and entirely about you. It is only about what you are discovering in the process."
Wow.
My global awareness mentor said, “This experience is also about becoming part of the energy that dissolves the separation between the two healing approaches. On both sides there is too much holding on to an either/or mentality and a proving the other wrong. You as someone who is very firmly rooted in the spiritual and alternative side of healing, now have a chance to enter into the medical side. Only in experiencing the healing that is offered on his side of the equation will you be able to become a bridge between the two worlds and a force that leaves the duality, polarity and separation behind. It is very important that this happens in the world right now."
More wow.
There wasn't really anything else to say after this.
I ended with thanking the cysts for the clarity with which they had spoken, for the gifts they have already brought me. You can't imagine the relief I felt from understanding what this was all about. I told the cysts I love them very much and I really, really meant it. And then I let them go in profound peace and humility.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
The Basics of Life
Man, these days go by in a flash!
It feels like I am living the bare basics of life: sleep, eat, walk, use my hands, rest, sleep, and talk. In between I read and write a little too.
Sleeping as much as I do right now, I don't get to do anything substantial like looking at my e-mails until noon time... Today I had barely gotten though half of my messages, and talked to my brother via skype when Peggy came and brought the meal for the day which turned out to be a delicious vegetable curry complete with dahl, raisins and yoghurt. She also gifted me with a CD with the most soothing Hawaiian lap guitar music that transported me instantly to tropical climates.
Before I know it is lunch time and once we have eaten one of our wonderful left overs and midday nourishment is accomplished I have to honor my body's need for rest and go back upstairs to sleep my afternoon nap. Today that got delayed because Anina needed help with something on the computer, but then I didn't get up and back out of bed until 6:45.
Interesting how much this time after returning from the hospital has such a very different focus than last time. It is so purely physical, so purely shaped by physical recovery and rest. My brain gets to rest a lot. All these big emotional layers that were pulled up to the surface during the past weeks, all those discoveries feel like they are composting into more nutrients that enrich the soil my soul is rooting in. It now feel effortless... like something that is just happening on its own.
Yet I am aware that there is more to be discovered in the future. That is what I heard my cysts say to me during my deepest time of despair one day before the surgery. That Journey I took that day turned my whole understanding around about why I had experienced everything the way I had.
Sometime in the next few days, when I have a longer window of being awake, I will fill in the gap of what I learned that day for you.
Jimmy is heroically keeping up his part of taking care of me. He is still very much worn out himself, I can tell by how much of a struggle it is to even get out of bed in the morning... on Friday he will finally go and see Michael Schaefer himself. All your food support is therefore doubly appreciated. I hope you know how very, very grateful I am.
Today was a good day.
I even folded a little bit of laundry after dinner.
Now I am ready to go to bed... pretty soon.
Love, love, love to you all!!!
Tomma
It feels like I am living the bare basics of life: sleep, eat, walk, use my hands, rest, sleep, and talk. In between I read and write a little too.
Sleeping as much as I do right now, I don't get to do anything substantial like looking at my e-mails until noon time... Today I had barely gotten though half of my messages, and talked to my brother via skype when Peggy came and brought the meal for the day which turned out to be a delicious vegetable curry complete with dahl, raisins and yoghurt. She also gifted me with a CD with the most soothing Hawaiian lap guitar music that transported me instantly to tropical climates.
Before I know it is lunch time and once we have eaten one of our wonderful left overs and midday nourishment is accomplished I have to honor my body's need for rest and go back upstairs to sleep my afternoon nap. Today that got delayed because Anina needed help with something on the computer, but then I didn't get up and back out of bed until 6:45.
Interesting how much this time after returning from the hospital has such a very different focus than last time. It is so purely physical, so purely shaped by physical recovery and rest. My brain gets to rest a lot. All these big emotional layers that were pulled up to the surface during the past weeks, all those discoveries feel like they are composting into more nutrients that enrich the soil my soul is rooting in. It now feel effortless... like something that is just happening on its own.
Yet I am aware that there is more to be discovered in the future. That is what I heard my cysts say to me during my deepest time of despair one day before the surgery. That Journey I took that day turned my whole understanding around about why I had experienced everything the way I had.
Sometime in the next few days, when I have a longer window of being awake, I will fill in the gap of what I learned that day for you.
Jimmy is heroically keeping up his part of taking care of me. He is still very much worn out himself, I can tell by how much of a struggle it is to even get out of bed in the morning... on Friday he will finally go and see Michael Schaefer himself. All your food support is therefore doubly appreciated. I hope you know how very, very grateful I am.
Today was a good day.
I even folded a little bit of laundry after dinner.
Now I am ready to go to bed... pretty soon.
Love, love, love to you all!!!
Tomma
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Going to Sleep
Thank you, thank you everybody!!!
Been offline all afternoon, had a shower and a lovely long nap until 6:00... then Mary came wIth David and brought a most wonderful dinner, and stayed to eat with us, which was sooo nice, then Jimmy read to me from our book and reclined for a bit of TV and now off to bed... and before I leave, I just wanted to let you know I saw all the e-mails that came in a moment ago... and I will send some responses out tomorrow.
Feeling so much better tonight.
LOVE you all!!!
Tomma
Been offline all afternoon, had a shower and a lovely long nap until 6:00... then Mary came wIth David and brought a most wonderful dinner, and stayed to eat with us, which was sooo nice, then Jimmy read to me from our book and reclined for a bit of TV and now off to bed... and before I leave, I just wanted to let you know I saw all the e-mails that came in a moment ago... and I will send some responses out tomorrow.
Feeling so much better tonight.
LOVE you all!!!
Tomma
One Step at a Time
Now that I am home and have talked to many of my women friends the communication shifts a bit to my brother and sister and other friends who are reading this blog.
Yesterday, my fist full day at home was not so easy. After the euphoria of leaving the hospital world behind has evaporated the severity of my state hits home. Everywhere I look things want to be taken care off, and the weakness I feel is truly overwhelming. I sent out and SOS e-mail to my friends, and sure enough they have rallied and created a dinner support plan that has me covered each night of this week... the school too has gotten wind of my situation and school parents too have offered food support.
Wow, what an amazing feeling to see people from all sides come through like that. I can't tell you how much gratitude there is in me. It's quite... I don't have the words really...
I was up for no more than 5 to 10 min, today that has increased to almost 30, but then I need to recline and sleep some more or at least put myself in a horizontal position.
Today I am more stable emotionally, yesterday was quite the day of tears, everything moved me and made me cry... Now i am up for my nap, that's why this is rather brief...
more to come...
love
Tomma
Yesterday, my fist full day at home was not so easy. After the euphoria of leaving the hospital world behind has evaporated the severity of my state hits home. Everywhere I look things want to be taken care off, and the weakness I feel is truly overwhelming. I sent out and SOS e-mail to my friends, and sure enough they have rallied and created a dinner support plan that has me covered each night of this week... the school too has gotten wind of my situation and school parents too have offered food support.
Wow, what an amazing feeling to see people from all sides come through like that. I can't tell you how much gratitude there is in me. It's quite... I don't have the words really...
I was up for no more than 5 to 10 min, today that has increased to almost 30, but then I need to recline and sleep some more or at least put myself in a horizontal position.
Today I am more stable emotionally, yesterday was quite the day of tears, everything moved me and made me cry... Now i am up for my nap, that's why this is rather brief...
more to come...
love
Tomma
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Back Home
It is 7:11, Sunday Evening.
I am back home!!!!
Jimmy picked me up around 5:00 and took me back over the smoothests roads he could find, and actually the ride was just fine. I had taken a precautionary dose of pain meds at the hospital and didn't even feel a twinge.
God, what a beautiful day to return! The sun was so bright, the snow had all melted, the air was so warm, spring has arrived...
I had my black cape rolled up in my lap, to buffer the scar, my blue hospital folder with the release papers on my lap and a danish pastry in my hand that Sophia had brought me from the farm store yesterday.
Seeing the landscape flow by, knowing I was on my way back home had a very surreal quality. I had looked at that same view out my window, that same static picture of the world outside the hospital for the last 8 days, and now that world had opened up and was twirling with an almost breathtaking speed past my car window.
Of course now I am sitting back in the dining room by the fire that Jimmy restarted a little while ago. God, this house smells so good: of a mixture of fire and food and just happiness! And then it is so quiet here! No clicks of IV machines, no noise from the air conditioning, no loud voices in the hallway, no roommate yelling into her phone, no nurses talking about tubes and meds and urin bags getting emptied or bowl pouches being adjusted... let alone the smell that comes with such activities. No more overcooked carrots, tea water that smells of coffee, ice water that tastes of chlorine... ahhhhh, soooo good to be home.
Jimmy and Constantin are in the kitchen cooking dinner together. Anina is doing homework (we think) and Sophia has gone to Kaya's birthday party.
I will go to bed early and sleep really, really well tonight.
Tomorrow is a new day.
I feel so very lucky, so very grateful, so very tender, and so very happy. And I can't even tell you why exactly. These feelings have no full rational explanation.
More to be discovered!
Enough for today.
Tomma
Accelerated Progress
It is 9:30, Sunday Morning.
I have already walked over one round of hallway track, been to the bathroom, brushed my teeth, and had my breakfast sitting up watching the morning light soak up the night fogs. Little flocks of seagulls heading north looking like sparkling bands of stars as the sun hits their wings moving up and down.
Oh, you should see the speed with which I am making it out of bed now, see how much longer my strides are this morning, AND: I am without pain pills and my belly is fine!!!
....
In between this and organizing my e-mail inbox Dr Timmins came through again. He greeted me by saying: "you are quite the rock star!" With that he meant to tell me that my blood count has shot up since they took me off the IV. Seems that is good news too, because my night nurse yesterday Judy, told me that my numbers were "really" low, told me that my numbers were not only low but had been going down and down and down since the surgery. So she had read DR Timmins notice to simply take me off the IV and start giving me Iron with incredulity. She was in fact so concerned that she polled the other nurses on the floor who all agreed with her that if one of their patients had such low numbers, they'd have them on blood infusion yesterday. And the wonderful person she is, she felt she needed to call Dr Timmins and make sure he HAD seen these numbers, even though she confessed she was taking a chance of getting yelled at, she admitted that I didn't look the way my numbers sounded, but she just couldn't let this go.
So with this full nurse staff backup, she actually did call Dr Timmins and was politely informed that he thought these numbers were ok for me.
He had an extra big smile on his face when he made my bloodcount announcement. And his next sentence was:"You can go home today!" Wow!! That's it? Don't need to see Dr. Morrissey? No, I'll go for a check up in about three weeks, if I have questions I can always call, but for now I am free to go!!
Now you may imagine I have to make some phone calls.
Love you all!!! And see you soon in person!!
Tomma
I am back home!!!!
Jimmy picked me up around 5:00 and took me back over the smoothests roads he could find, and actually the ride was just fine. I had taken a precautionary dose of pain meds at the hospital and didn't even feel a twinge.
God, what a beautiful day to return! The sun was so bright, the snow had all melted, the air was so warm, spring has arrived...
I had my black cape rolled up in my lap, to buffer the scar, my blue hospital folder with the release papers on my lap and a danish pastry in my hand that Sophia had brought me from the farm store yesterday.
Seeing the landscape flow by, knowing I was on my way back home had a very surreal quality. I had looked at that same view out my window, that same static picture of the world outside the hospital for the last 8 days, and now that world had opened up and was twirling with an almost breathtaking speed past my car window.
Of course now I am sitting back in the dining room by the fire that Jimmy restarted a little while ago. God, this house smells so good: of a mixture of fire and food and just happiness! And then it is so quiet here! No clicks of IV machines, no noise from the air conditioning, no loud voices in the hallway, no roommate yelling into her phone, no nurses talking about tubes and meds and urin bags getting emptied or bowl pouches being adjusted... let alone the smell that comes with such activities. No more overcooked carrots, tea water that smells of coffee, ice water that tastes of chlorine... ahhhhh, soooo good to be home.
Jimmy and Constantin are in the kitchen cooking dinner together. Anina is doing homework (we think) and Sophia has gone to Kaya's birthday party.
I will go to bed early and sleep really, really well tonight.
Tomorrow is a new day.
I feel so very lucky, so very grateful, so very tender, and so very happy. And I can't even tell you why exactly. These feelings have no full rational explanation.
More to be discovered!
Enough for today.
Tomma
Accelerated Progress
It is 9:30, Sunday Morning.
I have already walked over one round of hallway track, been to the bathroom, brushed my teeth, and had my breakfast sitting up watching the morning light soak up the night fogs. Little flocks of seagulls heading north looking like sparkling bands of stars as the sun hits their wings moving up and down.
Oh, you should see the speed with which I am making it out of bed now, see how much longer my strides are this morning, AND: I am without pain pills and my belly is fine!!!
....
In between this and organizing my e-mail inbox Dr Timmins came through again. He greeted me by saying: "you are quite the rock star!" With that he meant to tell me that my blood count has shot up since they took me off the IV. Seems that is good news too, because my night nurse yesterday Judy, told me that my numbers were "really" low, told me that my numbers were not only low but had been going down and down and down since the surgery. So she had read DR Timmins notice to simply take me off the IV and start giving me Iron with incredulity. She was in fact so concerned that she polled the other nurses on the floor who all agreed with her that if one of their patients had such low numbers, they'd have them on blood infusion yesterday. And the wonderful person she is, she felt she needed to call Dr Timmins and make sure he HAD seen these numbers, even though she confessed she was taking a chance of getting yelled at, she admitted that I didn't look the way my numbers sounded, but she just couldn't let this go.
So with this full nurse staff backup, she actually did call Dr Timmins and was politely informed that he thought these numbers were ok for me.
He had an extra big smile on his face when he made my bloodcount announcement. And his next sentence was:"You can go home today!" Wow!! That's it? Don't need to see Dr. Morrissey? No, I'll go for a check up in about three weeks, if I have questions I can always call, but for now I am free to go!!
Now you may imagine I have to make some phone calls.
Love you all!!! And see you soon in person!!
Tomma
Saturday, March 14, 2009
A Visit from Dr Timmins
Good morning my extraordinary friends, my wonderful family, and my darling Jimmy,
Here are my brags of the second morning:
Yesterday I got up three times and walked in crawl speed longer and longer and longer distances. The last one covered almost he entire length of the hallway!
The hardest part is getting my belly without any sharp pain from a horizontal to a vertical position. Deliberate slowness is the key here.
My new night nurse Heather was a bit casual, the first time I called for assistance nobody arrived for over 15 min.
Just making it to the bathroom feels like a significant accomplishment. The last one this morning I did totally on my own! Ate my breakfast sitting up on the edge of my bed!
Man, am I proud of myself!
And guess who showed just a little while ago? Wow, how did you know? Yes, it was Dr Timmins. Funny how he almost feels like an old friend. He kind of just wanted to check in. How nice is that? Told me he heard the surgery went well, gave me some tips for the recovery period, and gave me a little boost by saying that I look much better than last time he saw me.
Interestingly stairs should not be a problem.
They will switch me back to oral pain meds, the intravenous will come out today. He thinks I will be ready to go home on Sunday.
Amazing.
Dr Morrissey will also come back. He was so great to take pictures of my cyst after they had been cut out. I really wanted to see them, I would have even loved to take them home with me, but in this situation, where cancer is a possibility however slight, they bring these lumps straight to the pathology department where they are both utterly dissected until nothing remains that resembled what they took out. So the pictures are the next best thing... man do these globs look ugly!
Constantin is coming up with Sophia today... so Jimmy gets a little relief. Poor honey, he is totally worn out.
Anyway, soon it's all over!
I am looking at a radiant blue sky and a soft white haze enveloping the Catskills in the distance.
Wishing you a gloriously happy Saturday!
Tomma
Here are my brags of the second morning:
Yesterday I got up three times and walked in crawl speed longer and longer and longer distances. The last one covered almost he entire length of the hallway!
The hardest part is getting my belly without any sharp pain from a horizontal to a vertical position. Deliberate slowness is the key here.
My new night nurse Heather was a bit casual, the first time I called for assistance nobody arrived for over 15 min.
Just making it to the bathroom feels like a significant accomplishment. The last one this morning I did totally on my own! Ate my breakfast sitting up on the edge of my bed!
Man, am I proud of myself!
And guess who showed just a little while ago? Wow, how did you know? Yes, it was Dr Timmins. Funny how he almost feels like an old friend. He kind of just wanted to check in. How nice is that? Told me he heard the surgery went well, gave me some tips for the recovery period, and gave me a little boost by saying that I look much better than last time he saw me.
Interestingly stairs should not be a problem.
They will switch me back to oral pain meds, the intravenous will come out today. He thinks I will be ready to go home on Sunday.
Amazing.
Dr Morrissey will also come back. He was so great to take pictures of my cyst after they had been cut out. I really wanted to see them, I would have even loved to take them home with me, but in this situation, where cancer is a possibility however slight, they bring these lumps straight to the pathology department where they are both utterly dissected until nothing remains that resembled what they took out. So the pictures are the next best thing... man do these globs look ugly!
Constantin is coming up with Sophia today... so Jimmy gets a little relief. Poor honey, he is totally worn out.
Anyway, soon it's all over!
I am looking at a radiant blue sky and a soft white haze enveloping the Catskills in the distance.
Wishing you a gloriously happy Saturday!
Tomma
Friday, March 13, 2009
The Morning after
Yes, yes, yes!!!
Oh, you can't imagine how relieved I am!! Not because I was so worried really, but more to have it over with.
I had the best surgery team you can imagine. OR is a surprisingly busy and bustelig place, I don't know why I was expeting it to be more somber, more quiet, more serious... but what I saw was a lot of people all dressed in green and light blue, all in motion and in between prepping patients for surgery they talk about American Idol and who they are rooting for, movies they saw, and how their mother was doing yesterday... regular life and regular people. Somehow that was oddly reassuring.
The Docs, who come to the patients floors in their white sterile coats, show up down here with more of their human individuality. I have never seen so many different head coverings. The standard pale blue, see through hair bonnet has been replaced by personality statements: a pouffy black velvet bonnet printed up with guitars in rainbow colors, on a stocky older female surgeon, Dr Maccalrath wore a black tight bandanna with yellow smiley faces on in, an older doc in his sixties sported a cap in a sparkling tiny green, silver and black pattern, a younger black sugeon in a louminous white headscarf and my anesthesiologist, a cheerful woman with the most beautiful light blue eyes, had pink and laverder bows printed on hers... the list goes on. Dr Morrissey was one of the very few whose head was bare. He came in smiling and ready to go, patted me on the knee, assured me they would leave every part in that was healthy and told me everything will be fine.
My surgery nurse assistant was a beautiful young woman from China, and my head nurse an older woman with a wide round face that shone with pure friendliness. They all came up one by one and introduced themselves, asked me all the same questions what we would be taking out and what we would be leaving in, all smiled at me big loving smiles and I felt lucky. In between I remembered the soft loving blanket you were all holding me in, I tell you I could feel that, and it instantly then and still now brings tears tremendous of gratitude to my eyes.
I remember arriving in the OR room, remember breathing in very cold air, remembering how good it felt to have the heated blanckets covering me up, remember heaving myself over onto the operation table, seeing the gigantic round light apparatuses above me on the ceiling, Dr Morrissey lifting my arms onto adjacent tables to both sides and covering them with more warm blankets, thinking how comfortable that felt... and then... I was gone.
A few seconds and an eternity later, I looked up at another nurse: Debbie, who asked me how I was feeling. How was I feeling? Why is she asking me this? Wasn't there something important I had been right in the middle of doing? Didn't I need to go somewhere? And what is that sensation in my belly? Oh, that hurts a little! Oh, my God! ... that must be the cut!... It's already all over???
Right now I am SITTING in a chair next to my bed!!! I have managed to sit up, and turn my body to get my legs over the edge, made it out of bed and walked to the bathroom and today indeed I have been washed by my Tech nurse, and today for the fisrt time that is not LIz, but Ashley, a very young and lovely woman.
Now my battery is about to run out, so I better send this off.
Thank you each and everyone of you for what you have brought to me, your love, your thoughts, your prayers and your words... all of it is so unspeakably beautiful to me!!!
Tomma
Oh, you can't imagine how relieved I am!! Not because I was so worried really, but more to have it over with.
I had the best surgery team you can imagine. OR is a surprisingly busy and bustelig place, I don't know why I was expeting it to be more somber, more quiet, more serious... but what I saw was a lot of people all dressed in green and light blue, all in motion and in between prepping patients for surgery they talk about American Idol and who they are rooting for, movies they saw, and how their mother was doing yesterday... regular life and regular people. Somehow that was oddly reassuring.
The Docs, who come to the patients floors in their white sterile coats, show up down here with more of their human individuality. I have never seen so many different head coverings. The standard pale blue, see through hair bonnet has been replaced by personality statements: a pouffy black velvet bonnet printed up with guitars in rainbow colors, on a stocky older female surgeon, Dr Maccalrath wore a black tight bandanna with yellow smiley faces on in, an older doc in his sixties sported a cap in a sparkling tiny green, silver and black pattern, a younger black sugeon in a louminous white headscarf and my anesthesiologist, a cheerful woman with the most beautiful light blue eyes, had pink and laverder bows printed on hers... the list goes on. Dr Morrissey was one of the very few whose head was bare. He came in smiling and ready to go, patted me on the knee, assured me they would leave every part in that was healthy and told me everything will be fine.
My surgery nurse assistant was a beautiful young woman from China, and my head nurse an older woman with a wide round face that shone with pure friendliness. They all came up one by one and introduced themselves, asked me all the same questions what we would be taking out and what we would be leaving in, all smiled at me big loving smiles and I felt lucky. In between I remembered the soft loving blanket you were all holding me in, I tell you I could feel that, and it instantly then and still now brings tears tremendous of gratitude to my eyes.
I remember arriving in the OR room, remember breathing in very cold air, remembering how good it felt to have the heated blanckets covering me up, remember heaving myself over onto the operation table, seeing the gigantic round light apparatuses above me on the ceiling, Dr Morrissey lifting my arms onto adjacent tables to both sides and covering them with more warm blankets, thinking how comfortable that felt... and then... I was gone.
A few seconds and an eternity later, I looked up at another nurse: Debbie, who asked me how I was feeling. How was I feeling? Why is she asking me this? Wasn't there something important I had been right in the middle of doing? Didn't I need to go somewhere? And what is that sensation in my belly? Oh, that hurts a little! Oh, my God! ... that must be the cut!... It's already all over???
Right now I am SITTING in a chair next to my bed!!! I have managed to sit up, and turn my body to get my legs over the edge, made it out of bed and walked to the bathroom and today indeed I have been washed by my Tech nurse, and today for the fisrt time that is not LIz, but Ashley, a very young and lovely woman.
Now my battery is about to run out, so I better send this off.
Thank you each and everyone of you for what you have brought to me, your love, your thoughts, your prayers and your words... all of it is so unspeakably beautiful to me!!!
Tomma
Happy News - Thursday 5:12pm
Dear Tomma is fine! There is no cancer! She came through the surgery with flying colors! Yayyyyy!
I just spoke with the doctor: the one cyst had twisted and cut off the blood supply, and was dead...that's where all the pain was coming from. The other was the dermoid. They were both fused into the fallopian tubes so those had to be removed, but her uterus was fine so "per her wishes" as the doctor said he did not remove it. Yes! "She is menopausal" which we expected, so matched hormone therapy (whatever it's called, I'm so damned relieved I can't think of the name right now) here we come.
No more for now so you can get the news quick and we can all start breathing again. Thank you for all your prayers and good wishes.
I'll see her in about an hour back in her room, and will post more as I can. Lots of phone calls to immediate fam to make now.
love to all!
Herr Dr. Jimmy von Happyshortz!
I just spoke with the doctor: the one cyst had twisted and cut off the blood supply, and was dead...that's where all the pain was coming from. The other was the dermoid. They were both fused into the fallopian tubes so those had to be removed, but her uterus was fine so "per her wishes" as the doctor said he did not remove it. Yes! "She is menopausal" which we expected, so matched hormone therapy (whatever it's called, I'm so damned relieved I can't think of the name right now) here we come.
No more for now so you can get the news quick and we can all start breathing again. Thank you for all your prayers and good wishes.
I'll see her in about an hour back in her room, and will post more as I can. Lots of phone calls to immediate fam to make now.
love to all!
Herr Dr. Jimmy von Happyshortz!
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Going under the Knife
The perception of life really changes.
I looked out the window this morning and the sun was just coming up hitting the hospital wing that juts out like a billboard into the open landscape. The concrete squares, striped gray from years of rain, had a golden glow, the sky was in the soft early morning hues, some gentle clouds hung over the lower Catskill mountains that are embracing the horizon... and all of a sudden I had to weep with gratitude for the mere fact that I had been lucky to have had a bed by the window all these days. That I could have seen the sky, and the rain, and the fog, and the snow.
My fluctuating room neighbors had been so much less fortunate.
Many other little things bring tears to my eyes today too.
Liz, who has been my "Tech" every dayshift (Techs are the ones who regularly measure my blood pressure, temperature, and oxygen levels, she also makes my bed every day and even tidies up the room) a hefty black woman from Guayana, told me I needed to take a shower this morning. Remembering how Suzi helped me take my first shower on the day I left Albany Med back in January, how it made me feel like a little child again, how with such a simple gesture of being washed, life becomes safe and simple. Would Liz do the same for me? Would it feel as safe, not knowing her? And I felt a soft surrender. It didn't matter. A woman washing another woman. Just giving in. Yes, that made me weep too.
As it turned out Liz very carefully wrapped up my IV tube in a plastic sleeve and sent me into the shower as a capable human being able to wash myself. Weak as still am this was actually not a problem, because my IV needle is not inserted at the hight of my elbow, but lower down at my wrist. That allows me to bend my arm any way I need to.
A little later I though of my sweet sister so far away... in Chile. And all of a sudden I really wanted to hug her. How long has it been that I last saw her? More than a year, almost two? I could feel my arms closing around her, around her body that grew up right next to mine, that mysterious thread of life that connects us still even though we are scattered so far from each other over this big earth, even though I forget to call her sometimes for weeks on end. In that moment there was nothing but gratitude for how much I loved her.
The tears don't end here, but my letter does.
I am starting to understand a bit more what the cysts were talking about yesterday. So much of this goes beyond my comprehension, but more of it enters like tiny little drops of clear liquid into my awareness.
Jimmy has arrived and is sitting patiently in his green vinyl recliner chair, computer on his lap. I am hungry, but not a drop of liquid or food until after I am done. He is chuckling, he must be on the comedy channel web page. Or he got an e-mail from his flight instructor and new best friend John.
Thank you, thank you, for walking with me.
I had no idea how overwhelmingly big this gratitude could feel.
Tomma
I looked out the window this morning and the sun was just coming up hitting the hospital wing that juts out like a billboard into the open landscape. The concrete squares, striped gray from years of rain, had a golden glow, the sky was in the soft early morning hues, some gentle clouds hung over the lower Catskill mountains that are embracing the horizon... and all of a sudden I had to weep with gratitude for the mere fact that I had been lucky to have had a bed by the window all these days. That I could have seen the sky, and the rain, and the fog, and the snow.
My fluctuating room neighbors had been so much less fortunate.
Many other little things bring tears to my eyes today too.
Liz, who has been my "Tech" every dayshift (Techs are the ones who regularly measure my blood pressure, temperature, and oxygen levels, she also makes my bed every day and even tidies up the room) a hefty black woman from Guayana, told me I needed to take a shower this morning. Remembering how Suzi helped me take my first shower on the day I left Albany Med back in January, how it made me feel like a little child again, how with such a simple gesture of being washed, life becomes safe and simple. Would Liz do the same for me? Would it feel as safe, not knowing her? And I felt a soft surrender. It didn't matter. A woman washing another woman. Just giving in. Yes, that made me weep too.
As it turned out Liz very carefully wrapped up my IV tube in a plastic sleeve and sent me into the shower as a capable human being able to wash myself. Weak as still am this was actually not a problem, because my IV needle is not inserted at the hight of my elbow, but lower down at my wrist. That allows me to bend my arm any way I need to.
A little later I though of my sweet sister so far away... in Chile. And all of a sudden I really wanted to hug her. How long has it been that I last saw her? More than a year, almost two? I could feel my arms closing around her, around her body that grew up right next to mine, that mysterious thread of life that connects us still even though we are scattered so far from each other over this big earth, even though I forget to call her sometimes for weeks on end. In that moment there was nothing but gratitude for how much I loved her.
The tears don't end here, but my letter does.
I am starting to understand a bit more what the cysts were talking about yesterday. So much of this goes beyond my comprehension, but more of it enters like tiny little drops of clear liquid into my awareness.
Jimmy has arrived and is sitting patiently in his green vinyl recliner chair, computer on his lap. I am hungry, but not a drop of liquid or food until after I am done. He is chuckling, he must be on the comedy channel web page. Or he got an e-mail from his flight instructor and new best friend John.
Thank you, thank you, for walking with me.
I had no idea how overwhelmingly big this gratitude could feel.
Tomma
Conversations with Cysts (Wednesday night)
Greetings to all Tomma Boosters!!
Just a very brief summary of the day as our dear T is worn out, weak, and very tired. She's been downing fluids and antibiotics and generally beng prepped for surgery tomorrow afternoon.
Tomma had two very powerful Journey processes today, one in which she had a direct dialogue with her cysts, who had some surprising things to say to her.
I was inclined to ask if she threatened to open up a can of Whup Ass on them but, she being of the Teutonic persuasion and usually not having any idea what the hell I'm talking about when I say such things, I thought the better of it.
We dictated a 1000 word account of that cystal Journey earlier this evening, I imagine at some point she will share the gist of the cysts with you, s stay tuned, Tomma Troopers.
The day has been so full of little things that she hasn't had the time or energy to get back on the computer and respond to any of your emails, but she wants you to know she appreciates them all.
We haven't even had our reading session tonight, and it's time for nighty-night for her.
I'll keep you all posted and will let you know when she's out of surgery.
Love and peace
Herr Dr. Jimmy von Krankenshortz.
Just a very brief summary of the day as our dear T is worn out, weak, and very tired. She's been downing fluids and antibiotics and generally beng prepped for surgery tomorrow afternoon.
Tomma had two very powerful Journey processes today, one in which she had a direct dialogue with her cysts, who had some surprising things to say to her.
I was inclined to ask if she threatened to open up a can of Whup Ass on them but, she being of the Teutonic persuasion and usually not having any idea what the hell I'm talking about when I say such things, I thought the better of it.
We dictated a 1000 word account of that cystal Journey earlier this evening, I imagine at some point she will share the gist of the cysts with you, s stay tuned, Tomma Troopers.
The day has been so full of little things that she hasn't had the time or energy to get back on the computer and respond to any of your emails, but she wants you to know she appreciates them all.
We haven't even had our reading session tonight, and it's time for nighty-night for her.
I'll keep you all posted and will let you know when she's out of surgery.
Love and peace
Herr Dr. Jimmy von Krankenshortz.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
... and from Jimmy
Dear friends of die Tomma:
Herr Doktor und Hande Holderer Jimmy von Krankenshortz here with my Wednesday report.
I'm filling in for Tomma to add to this account later as she sees fit once she finishes the Journey processes that she's doing this morning and early afternoon with dear friends Laurie and Margaret.
Yesterday was as she reported, a bit better pain/discomfort-wise for her. Still a bit yellowish, temp up to 101 a couple times, but less overall pain/discomfort, so that was good.
Mid afternoon, Roger (aka Roger The Jester), friend and husband of Sarah, and a professional entertainer who does magic and fun shows for people all over, including Antigua now, came by the hospital fresh (i.e. tired) from Antigua in fact to bring Tomma a lovingly transported container of Guava pulp that he'd mashed up himself, then proceeded to show her on his laptop a slide show of images from his 7 weeks down there with Sarah...including a picture of the very guavas he'd bought to process for Tomma, and the island natives he bought them from.
Then he whipped out an ancient Hohner Premiosa (?), a small hand accordian/organ/squeeze box thingy, small and very cute, and proceeded to play an old American folk song he'd taught himself. I commented when he was done that it was the tune Love Me Tender that Elvis Presley made into a huge hit in 1958 I think, I remember because I was a wee and pimply tyke at the time (13). Roger hadn't known that! He knew it as a pre-Elvis American folksong.
What a guy. He stayed and visited, jovial, present, cheerful and of course so completely delightful to Tomma, it was great to see her laugh and smile and see her beautiful soulful eyes light up the way we're all used to seeing.
She's in as good a spirits as you could hope for given the present challenges. Still a bit feverish off and on yesterday, but much better than the day before.
I was particularly gratified by the caring presence of the nurse Marilyn that Tomma wrote about earlier. She's a very bright, energetic, fast-talking, high-energy woman who either cultivated, or has by nature, that remarkable gift of listening intently and without interruption. Once Marilyn had heard Tomma fully express her misgivings and concerns about whether to go with Dr. Morrisey (something T and I had talked about a lot but I knew she needed to feel the medical "establishment" heard her as well), I made a point to thank Marilyn for being such a superb listener.
You can probably imagine what a relief that was for Tomma (me too) ...hospitals tend to feel like a huge cruise ship with something always going on. Sometimes like the Poseidon Adventure, mostly just big, complex and unstoppable. Thousands of passengers sailing through a turbulent ocean, and the staff has it's medical equivalent of social activities to organize, schedules to rush to keep, meals to prepare, storms to weather, and there can be a feeling of being rushed and lost in a sea of often incomprehensible, or sometimes insufficiently communicated, reasons for doing things.
So to be so fully heard was a huge relief, and praiseworthy in the extreme.
After that, we talked for awhile. Tomma thought for awhile. Then she said with a profound clarity and certainty I don't see that often, "Okay. It's time to do this. I'm going to have the surgery Thursday." And that was that. My brave sweetheart.
I expect you would all be proud of the way she's coming through this challenging time of uncertainty, fear, confusion, lack at times of response or information, and just the difficult reality of being away from hearth (literally, the fireplace wood stove she is devoted to keeping at a roaring high all day and half the night!) and home. She's not a freakout kind of chick, know what I mean? Of course you do. She's our wonderful level-headed, lovingTomma.
In fairness, even with the occasional confusions or slow responses, this is a good hospital. The staff is caring and responsive, and lots of good people look in on her and look after her. When I go home, I don't worry that she'll have an emergency and not be in good hands. So it's about as good I think as it could be that way.
Best guess is she'll come home Sunday. Perhaps with a pair of cysts riding shotgun in a cooler, perhaps not: she wants to bring them home and, as she's expressed to me, spend some time learning from them what it is they want to say about why they came into her life, or something like that. Whether the hospital will allow that is yet to be determined, but our Tomma has a unique approach to all life, an inclusive one that strives to accept all aspects of it, so while this may seem a bit strange to some of us, it's entirely consistent with who she is. And kind of cool in a slightly macabre way, at least to an old California skysurfer like me who can handle the sight of his own blood, but not anybody elses, and who remains,
your faithful servant,
Herr Dr. Jimmy von Krankenshortz
Herr Doktor und Hande Holderer Jimmy von Krankenshortz here with my Wednesday report.
I'm filling in for Tomma to add to this account later as she sees fit once she finishes the Journey processes that she's doing this morning and early afternoon with dear friends Laurie and Margaret.
Yesterday was as she reported, a bit better pain/discomfort-wise for her. Still a bit yellowish, temp up to 101 a couple times, but less overall pain/discomfort, so that was good.
Mid afternoon, Roger (aka Roger The Jester), friend and husband of Sarah, and a professional entertainer who does magic and fun shows for people all over, including Antigua now, came by the hospital fresh (i.e. tired) from Antigua in fact to bring Tomma a lovingly transported container of Guava pulp that he'd mashed up himself, then proceeded to show her on his laptop a slide show of images from his 7 weeks down there with Sarah...including a picture of the very guavas he'd bought to process for Tomma, and the island natives he bought them from.
Then he whipped out an ancient Hohner Premiosa (?), a small hand accordian/organ/squeeze box thingy, small and very cute, and proceeded to play an old American folk song he'd taught himself. I commented when he was done that it was the tune Love Me Tender that Elvis Presley made into a huge hit in 1958 I think, I remember because I was a wee and pimply tyke at the time (13). Roger hadn't known that! He knew it as a pre-Elvis American folksong.
What a guy. He stayed and visited, jovial, present, cheerful and of course so completely delightful to Tomma, it was great to see her laugh and smile and see her beautiful soulful eyes light up the way we're all used to seeing.
She's in as good a spirits as you could hope for given the present challenges. Still a bit feverish off and on yesterday, but much better than the day before.
I was particularly gratified by the caring presence of the nurse Marilyn that Tomma wrote about earlier. She's a very bright, energetic, fast-talking, high-energy woman who either cultivated, or has by nature, that remarkable gift of listening intently and without interruption. Once Marilyn had heard Tomma fully express her misgivings and concerns about whether to go with Dr. Morrisey (something T and I had talked about a lot but I knew she needed to feel the medical "establishment" heard her as well), I made a point to thank Marilyn for being such a superb listener.
You can probably imagine what a relief that was for Tomma (me too) ...hospitals tend to feel like a huge cruise ship with something always going on. Sometimes like the Poseidon Adventure, mostly just big, complex and unstoppable. Thousands of passengers sailing through a turbulent ocean, and the staff has it's medical equivalent of social activities to organize, schedules to rush to keep, meals to prepare, storms to weather, and there can be a feeling of being rushed and lost in a sea of often incomprehensible, or sometimes insufficiently communicated, reasons for doing things.
So to be so fully heard was a huge relief, and praiseworthy in the extreme.
After that, we talked for awhile. Tomma thought for awhile. Then she said with a profound clarity and certainty I don't see that often, "Okay. It's time to do this. I'm going to have the surgery Thursday." And that was that. My brave sweetheart.
I expect you would all be proud of the way she's coming through this challenging time of uncertainty, fear, confusion, lack at times of response or information, and just the difficult reality of being away from hearth (literally, the fireplace wood stove she is devoted to keeping at a roaring high all day and half the night!) and home. She's not a freakout kind of chick, know what I mean? Of course you do. She's our wonderful level-headed, lovingTomma.
In fairness, even with the occasional confusions or slow responses, this is a good hospital. The staff is caring and responsive, and lots of good people look in on her and look after her. When I go home, I don't worry that she'll have an emergency and not be in good hands. So it's about as good I think as it could be that way.
Best guess is she'll come home Sunday. Perhaps with a pair of cysts riding shotgun in a cooler, perhaps not: she wants to bring them home and, as she's expressed to me, spend some time learning from them what it is they want to say about why they came into her life, or something like that. Whether the hospital will allow that is yet to be determined, but our Tomma has a unique approach to all life, an inclusive one that strives to accept all aspects of it, so while this may seem a bit strange to some of us, it's entirely consistent with who she is. And kind of cool in a slightly macabre way, at least to an old California skysurfer like me who can handle the sight of his own blood, but not anybody elses, and who remains,
your faithful servant,
Herr Dr. Jimmy von Krankenshortz
A Day before Surgery
My Dearest friends and beloved family,
I would have written last night but it seems the end of the day is the hardest part to get through. I get so tired and the pain becomes worse somehow.
The most important decision I was facing yesterday was whether or not to go ahead in to surgery with Dr Morrissey or to wait for Dr Timmins. How to decide whose hands to surrender yourself to that are going to cut into your flesh?
I had been taken aback by a few little things in my conversation with Dr Morrissey, and really wasn't sure whether I would feel completely safe with him. This would have to be my very own decision, because there was no one else here to meet him when he came.
Just after Jimmy had arrived and we were talking through this whole question nurse Marilyn arrived and told me she had tried to give me the CatScan results last night, but found me asleep and Jimmy had gone home too, and promised she would come back later with them. That was such great news! I told her I actually had been disappointed that Dr Morrissey didn't seem to know the details of this Scan, and somehow I took the moment and explained to her that in fact I had some real doubts as to whether I wanted to go through the surgery with him... and these... were all the reasons why. And Marilyn simply listened. And when I was done she totally acknowledged me, confirming that yes: this is a very important decision, and one needs to feel really good about ones surgeon and one needs to listen to ones values and these are different for everybody.
Some people look for good communication and bedside manners, some look for the perfect surgeon hands, some look for other things. It is important to make this decision with ones values being met. Other than that she could assure me that all the doctors in this particular group: Timmis, Morrissey and McCalrath (or something like it) are all excellent surgeons. She would put any of her own family members without hesitation into their care, and she has worked at this hospital for (was it) 20 years? Ahhhhhh
That was soooo good to hear. All of it. I was so proud of myself to grasp the moment and speak up.
Then Jimmy took of for some errands and lunch.
Just a bit later, when my regular nurse came to have me sign the consent papers I was ready and prepared to say I really needed to think this through a little longer. She too listened and told me to do what I needed to do... they absolutely want to give me the space to make this decision and as long as I don't wait until Thursday morning when they are about to wheel me into the OP I am free to change my mind.
I can't tell you what a huge relief all of that was!
I had taken pain meds early after waking up, so I was feeling pretty good too.
So, I had already left a message for Dr Timmins asking him to call me, briefly describing my concerns.
By the time Jimmy got back a couple of hours later my pain meds had worn off, my body was tired, my temperature was at 101, and I had this kind of sobering realization that whatever was going on in my belly was still pretty serious, these strange crampy pains were just not getting better very quickly. Envisioning going home in this state with nothing but painkillers... and to wait in this starte for who knows 5, 6 or 7 days... I started to see how much of a burden on my body that might continue to be. And with that all of a sudden it was clear: I needed to go through with this surgery right now. Life had spoken and again life had spoken clearly.
More comfort was provided by Marilyn who came back appologizing for not having been able to get these results back, but who spoke to the resident who had accompanied Dr Morrissey on his rounds in the morning. She pointed out to her that when he makes a promise to honor my wish to save the rest of my female organs he would absolutely do that.
That was it. I set the whole machinery into motion and signed the papers.
Thursday it is.
Today I am put on liquid foods only, my bowls will be emptied.
Wow, gotta run now two possible processes are expected over the phone for me this morning!
More later on Rogers sweet visit with Photos from Antigua and Guava pulp...
Love
Tomma
I would have written last night but it seems the end of the day is the hardest part to get through. I get so tired and the pain becomes worse somehow.
The most important decision I was facing yesterday was whether or not to go ahead in to surgery with Dr Morrissey or to wait for Dr Timmins. How to decide whose hands to surrender yourself to that are going to cut into your flesh?
I had been taken aback by a few little things in my conversation with Dr Morrissey, and really wasn't sure whether I would feel completely safe with him. This would have to be my very own decision, because there was no one else here to meet him when he came.
Just after Jimmy had arrived and we were talking through this whole question nurse Marilyn arrived and told me she had tried to give me the CatScan results last night, but found me asleep and Jimmy had gone home too, and promised she would come back later with them. That was such great news! I told her I actually had been disappointed that Dr Morrissey didn't seem to know the details of this Scan, and somehow I took the moment and explained to her that in fact I had some real doubts as to whether I wanted to go through the surgery with him... and these... were all the reasons why. And Marilyn simply listened. And when I was done she totally acknowledged me, confirming that yes: this is a very important decision, and one needs to feel really good about ones surgeon and one needs to listen to ones values and these are different for everybody.
Some people look for good communication and bedside manners, some look for the perfect surgeon hands, some look for other things. It is important to make this decision with ones values being met. Other than that she could assure me that all the doctors in this particular group: Timmis, Morrissey and McCalrath (or something like it) are all excellent surgeons. She would put any of her own family members without hesitation into their care, and she has worked at this hospital for (was it) 20 years? Ahhhhhh
That was soooo good to hear. All of it. I was so proud of myself to grasp the moment and speak up.
Then Jimmy took of for some errands and lunch.
Just a bit later, when my regular nurse came to have me sign the consent papers I was ready and prepared to say I really needed to think this through a little longer. She too listened and told me to do what I needed to do... they absolutely want to give me the space to make this decision and as long as I don't wait until Thursday morning when they are about to wheel me into the OP I am free to change my mind.
I can't tell you what a huge relief all of that was!
I had taken pain meds early after waking up, so I was feeling pretty good too.
So, I had already left a message for Dr Timmins asking him to call me, briefly describing my concerns.
By the time Jimmy got back a couple of hours later my pain meds had worn off, my body was tired, my temperature was at 101, and I had this kind of sobering realization that whatever was going on in my belly was still pretty serious, these strange crampy pains were just not getting better very quickly. Envisioning going home in this state with nothing but painkillers... and to wait in this starte for who knows 5, 6 or 7 days... I started to see how much of a burden on my body that might continue to be. And with that all of a sudden it was clear: I needed to go through with this surgery right now. Life had spoken and again life had spoken clearly.
More comfort was provided by Marilyn who came back appologizing for not having been able to get these results back, but who spoke to the resident who had accompanied Dr Morrissey on his rounds in the morning. She pointed out to her that when he makes a promise to honor my wish to save the rest of my female organs he would absolutely do that.
That was it. I set the whole machinery into motion and signed the papers.
Thursday it is.
Today I am put on liquid foods only, my bowls will be emptied.
Wow, gotta run now two possible processes are expected over the phone for me this morning!
More later on Rogers sweet visit with Photos from Antigua and Guava pulp...
Love
Tomma
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Dr Morrissey
Okay. I met Dr Morrissey.
Nice guy. Not as selfassured as Dr Timmins. Not very tall. Very short blond hair. Glasses. Speaks pretty fast. Was he in a hurry? Had an assistant with him.
The first thing that was a bit odd, was him giving me the general repetition of these large masses being there, them still being there on yesterdays CatScan, and them needing to come out. As if he thought he was sent here to convince me to have this surgery, as if I was possibly bailing out on them again.
I said that is not the question for me, I agree that surgery is what needs to happen now.
So, next the question of total historectomy. He already heard I objected to that. On that count he did assure me that he would be happy to leave uterus and ovaries in if they were healthy. It was not what he would advise, but he could leave them alone if that was possible. More explanation followed why that might not be the case, how it might be possible the growths may have originated from the uterus to begin with, and if so then you'd HAVE to cut into the uterus to check. (Totally new theory to me) Asked if one couldn't see that they grew out of the ovaries, he said that wasn't really so clear. Hmmm
Repeated a few times that the masses have not really changed, that's why they need to come out. When asked what about the actual dimension of the left cyst... it sounded like that one was now 5 cm, and that would be much smaller than in January... I understand that he and his colleagues don't believe cysts of this size can shrink on their own, but to me this information would have a lot of meaning... he said: well he couldn't actually give me the exact dimensions. And, well, they do sometimes change, sometime they can rupture. (A solid one, rupture?)
As to the fluid one, my question was: can one not see what happened to it on Sunday night? Is there an explanation to the sudden and different kind of pain, could it have ruptured? Oh, yes, that could have happened. And if it was cancerous that would not be such a good thing, but that could explain the irritation. It doesn't feel like he looked at these catscans so very closely.
So....
I don't know... He is OK I guess, but I am not really all that impressed with him, not as with Dr Timmins... Hmmm. Will talk this through with Jimmy. Any thoughts?
Love you!
Tomma
Nice guy. Not as selfassured as Dr Timmins. Not very tall. Very short blond hair. Glasses. Speaks pretty fast. Was he in a hurry? Had an assistant with him.
The first thing that was a bit odd, was him giving me the general repetition of these large masses being there, them still being there on yesterdays CatScan, and them needing to come out. As if he thought he was sent here to convince me to have this surgery, as if I was possibly bailing out on them again.
I said that is not the question for me, I agree that surgery is what needs to happen now.
So, next the question of total historectomy. He already heard I objected to that. On that count he did assure me that he would be happy to leave uterus and ovaries in if they were healthy. It was not what he would advise, but he could leave them alone if that was possible. More explanation followed why that might not be the case, how it might be possible the growths may have originated from the uterus to begin with, and if so then you'd HAVE to cut into the uterus to check. (Totally new theory to me) Asked if one couldn't see that they grew out of the ovaries, he said that wasn't really so clear. Hmmm
Repeated a few times that the masses have not really changed, that's why they need to come out. When asked what about the actual dimension of the left cyst... it sounded like that one was now 5 cm, and that would be much smaller than in January... I understand that he and his colleagues don't believe cysts of this size can shrink on their own, but to me this information would have a lot of meaning... he said: well he couldn't actually give me the exact dimensions. And, well, they do sometimes change, sometime they can rupture. (A solid one, rupture?)
As to the fluid one, my question was: can one not see what happened to it on Sunday night? Is there an explanation to the sudden and different kind of pain, could it have ruptured? Oh, yes, that could have happened. And if it was cancerous that would not be such a good thing, but that could explain the irritation. It doesn't feel like he looked at these catscans so very closely.
So....
I don't know... He is OK I guess, but I am not really all that impressed with him, not as with Dr Timmins... Hmmm. Will talk this through with Jimmy. Any thoughts?
Love you!
Tomma
Short morning Report
I had taken two painkillers at the end of the day yesterday... they finally relaxed my belly, and I fell asleep early and easily. During the night they wore off, of course... there is still this new constant tightness or soreness in the abdomen, and not just on the right side. Laying still is bearable, but any movement or air bubbles sends pain levels up into very uncomfortable regions.
In spite of that I am overall better than yesterday morning. Appetite a bit more robust, energy a little higher. My newly assigned Doctor is supposed to come any minute. His name is Morrissey (had the W upside down)
At least it wasn't him who messed up the surgery of my room mate Catherine, who came in for a removal of a cysts last August and never recovered. This was due initially to her colon getting "nicked" during that surgery. More mishaps followed. Hmmm. Well, NOT me. I will have a smooth and positive experience. But as you all may remember, I do have some personal experience witnessing surgeries going down the wrong direction... with my father, who almost didn't make it through.
Soon more!!
Love you!
Tomma
In spite of that I am overall better than yesterday morning. Appetite a bit more robust, energy a little higher. My newly assigned Doctor is supposed to come any minute. His name is Morrissey (had the W upside down)
At least it wasn't him who messed up the surgery of my room mate Catherine, who came in for a removal of a cysts last August and never recovered. This was due initially to her colon getting "nicked" during that surgery. More mishaps followed. Hmmm. Well, NOT me. I will have a smooth and positive experience. But as you all may remember, I do have some personal experience witnessing surgeries going down the wrong direction... with my father, who almost didn't make it through.
Soon more!!
Love you!
Tomma
Monday, March 9, 2009
Update III: The Final Word
Jimmy again:
I'm heading home. The evening got better for T. She didn't start up again on the IV painkiller, she seems to have crested the hill and is having a bit easier time of it. She managed to get a bit of food down, her temp isn't spiking as often as it was earlier, and she needs to sleep so I'm bailing out.
A rough day but she's a tough gal. That good German farmgirl stock. (Did I ever tell you she eats as much as I do and never gains a freakin' ounce?)
thanks for checking in. Love to all.
J
I'm heading home. The evening got better for T. She didn't start up again on the IV painkiller, she seems to have crested the hill and is having a bit easier time of it. She managed to get a bit of food down, her temp isn't spiking as often as it was earlier, and she needs to sleep so I'm bailing out.
A rough day but she's a tough gal. That good German farmgirl stock. (Did I ever tell you she eats as much as I do and never gains a freakin' ounce?)
thanks for checking in. Love to all.
J
Update II the Sequel: Living Large in Welleville, This Time We Mean Business
Just to correct a few wrong impressions you might have gotten.
No, they did not want to throw me out of the hospital today, they were hoping I would be ready to leave, because they need the bed, but obviously I am not leaving. Pain has been pretty uncomfortable today, all in all worse than yesterday.
Did have a CatScan, that was easy. No results have been reported yet.
Sounds like they are able to put me back on Delahted today.
AND: there will be another doctor who would be able to take me into surgery on Thursday. Dr "W"something... Was a bit alarmed that she described the procedure as a total historectomy. That is NOT what I want. If this Dr is not willing to give the remaining female organs in my belly a chance, I will rather wait for Dr Timmins.
Now I got to force some food down... no appetite really.
Very tired. Today was exhausting.
Love you
Tomma
No, they did not want to throw me out of the hospital today, they were hoping I would be ready to leave, because they need the bed, but obviously I am not leaving. Pain has been pretty uncomfortable today, all in all worse than yesterday.
Did have a CatScan, that was easy. No results have been reported yet.
Sounds like they are able to put me back on Delahted today.
AND: there will be another doctor who would be able to take me into surgery on Thursday. Dr "W"something... Was a bit alarmed that she described the procedure as a total historectomy. That is NOT what I want. If this Dr is not willing to give the remaining female organs in my belly a chance, I will rather wait for Dr Timmins.
Now I got to force some food down... no appetite really.
Very tired. Today was exhausting.
Love you
Tomma
Update from the Main Squeeze
Greetings and salutations from room 6202-2 (not B as previously reported) from Jimmy
Tomma wants me to tell you all thank you for your msgs. Means very much to her.
Update in brief, as she's having a bit of a rougher time today, so I'm going to dash this off quickly so we can go back to reading from the comic novel Handling Sin.
She had what felt like increasing gas pains last evening and overnight. These segued into a change in the feel of the pain to a more general lower abdominal distress. Today they took her off the intravenous dalautad or whatever the hell it's called, which was so effective on Sat and all this morning, even though her distress, shortness of breath, fever now 99.8, feeling of weakness, and pain whenever she moves, are distinctly different than before.
Her doctor is apparently not in the hospital today but down in Poughkeepsie and his stand in, Dr. McWhatever, didn't stop in, just sent his resident in to tell her the surgical schedule is full for the week and to get her on oral meds so she could go home today.
I got in around noon and could tell immediately the landscape had changed in her color, temperature and mood. She's just not feeling well. I rustled up a couple nurses and had to gently but firmly insist that they get someone in to look at her, as they had on their charts that the good Dr. McWuh had been here when indeed he had not.
The same resident, apparently, who came in at 7 came back in, was just fine, checked her over, and ordered up a Cat Scan for 4:30 today, so we're prepping now with contrast medication to make the CT read better, and she's resting and not moving.
Her belly is abnormally bloated, she's concerned and uncomfortable, even with the oral meds.
They're very busy today, not as laid back as on the weekend, so everything takes longer to arrive, even a bottle of water. Although it did take 2 hours yesterday to get a single dinky 8 oz bottle of Poland Spring, so not that much worse I suppose, in some ways.
We're not in the hospital-griping mode just yet, although the food could be better, as in edible/nutritious, but she's hanging in here and hoping the CT shows something that will make her current distress less alarming and will lead to some remedy, perhaps an opening in the surgical schedule, so we don't have to face the prospect of her being 45 minutes from medical help at home, and have another crisis and yet another ambulance ride. I'm not cheered by the prospect of having to drive her over these lumpy bumpy roads around our house back to the hospital with her feeling the way she does.
anyway, that's all the news that's fit to print, I'll update once we hear something from the Cat Scan. Keep your claws sharp, kitties. Looks like we'll be here at least another night.
Love to all from die Tomma and me
Jimmy
Tomma wants me to tell you all thank you for your msgs. Means very much to her.
Update in brief, as she's having a bit of a rougher time today, so I'm going to dash this off quickly so we can go back to reading from the comic novel Handling Sin.
She had what felt like increasing gas pains last evening and overnight. These segued into a change in the feel of the pain to a more general lower abdominal distress. Today they took her off the intravenous dalautad or whatever the hell it's called, which was so effective on Sat and all this morning, even though her distress, shortness of breath, fever now 99.8, feeling of weakness, and pain whenever she moves, are distinctly different than before.
Her doctor is apparently not in the hospital today but down in Poughkeepsie and his stand in, Dr. McWhatever, didn't stop in, just sent his resident in to tell her the surgical schedule is full for the week and to get her on oral meds so she could go home today.
I got in around noon and could tell immediately the landscape had changed in her color, temperature and mood. She's just not feeling well. I rustled up a couple nurses and had to gently but firmly insist that they get someone in to look at her, as they had on their charts that the good Dr. McWuh had been here when indeed he had not.
The same resident, apparently, who came in at 7 came back in, was just fine, checked her over, and ordered up a Cat Scan for 4:30 today, so we're prepping now with contrast medication to make the CT read better, and she's resting and not moving.
Her belly is abnormally bloated, she's concerned and uncomfortable, even with the oral meds.
They're very busy today, not as laid back as on the weekend, so everything takes longer to arrive, even a bottle of water. Although it did take 2 hours yesterday to get a single dinky 8 oz bottle of Poland Spring, so not that much worse I suppose, in some ways.
We're not in the hospital-griping mode just yet, although the food could be better, as in edible/nutritious, but she's hanging in here and hoping the CT shows something that will make her current distress less alarming and will lead to some remedy, perhaps an opening in the surgical schedule, so we don't have to face the prospect of her being 45 minutes from medical help at home, and have another crisis and yet another ambulance ride. I'm not cheered by the prospect of having to drive her over these lumpy bumpy roads around our house back to the hospital with her feeling the way she does.
anyway, that's all the news that's fit to print, I'll update once we hear something from the Cat Scan. Keep your claws sharp, kitties. Looks like we'll be here at least another night.
Love to all from die Tomma and me
Jimmy
Waiting fr the Doctor
Sweet friends,
It is Monday 10:00 and I am waiting for the Dcotor. Turns out Dr Timmins is not in Albany today, but down in their facility in Poughkeepsie, so Dr McSomething is coming back to see me. I treated myself to a few more light doses of Delahted yesterday to bypass the gas pains which show up without fail when my body stops moving and has to digest unfamiliar food.
During the night something else started happening: a different sharp kind of pain that radiated into the Vagina, the lower pelvic bones and even down into the leg. Distinctly different from the cystic pain of Saturday and also from the gas moving through the colon. I also can't feel the shape of the fluid cyst any more. At least according to my personal theory: the "energy bubble", that I have been wondering abut, this peculiar round mass that has been moving around to different locations in my belly... when they took the last Ultrasound on Saturday I realized that the place she found the cyst was indentical with this bubble, and it was down low, not up high where it had been recorded last week at Albany Med. Hmmm. So I figured this WAS the cyst after all, and I have been keeping track of its location and feel not only throughout these last days... but of course I had already been watching it over the past couple of weeks. So, this one is all of a sudden not clearly palpable any more. Who knows what that means?? Did it deflate all of a sudden? Did it go into a dive deeper in the pelvis?
Maybe they will wheel me down for another sonogram?
Being in the presence of these last events, being with my body, trying to get still and listen... it feels to me that surgery is the better way to go at this point.
I shed some tears over that.
Deciding to be depended on more help for at least another month, not going back to doing Joureywork for another long while, being cut into, and even just the outlook on having to eat this low quality hospital food, all hold a certain amount of discomfort, sadness and even guilt.
Yet I don't know any longer how to live life with this hammer hanging over my head that could come down again so fast and so without warning.
I will leave you here. My nurse will come any moment with the order to get me to do some walking,
More news to come!
LOVE!!
Tomma
It is Monday 10:00 and I am waiting for the Dcotor. Turns out Dr Timmins is not in Albany today, but down in their facility in Poughkeepsie, so Dr McSomething is coming back to see me. I treated myself to a few more light doses of Delahted yesterday to bypass the gas pains which show up without fail when my body stops moving and has to digest unfamiliar food.
During the night something else started happening: a different sharp kind of pain that radiated into the Vagina, the lower pelvic bones and even down into the leg. Distinctly different from the cystic pain of Saturday and also from the gas moving through the colon. I also can't feel the shape of the fluid cyst any more. At least according to my personal theory: the "energy bubble", that I have been wondering abut, this peculiar round mass that has been moving around to different locations in my belly... when they took the last Ultrasound on Saturday I realized that the place she found the cyst was indentical with this bubble, and it was down low, not up high where it had been recorded last week at Albany Med. Hmmm. So I figured this WAS the cyst after all, and I have been keeping track of its location and feel not only throughout these last days... but of course I had already been watching it over the past couple of weeks. So, this one is all of a sudden not clearly palpable any more. Who knows what that means?? Did it deflate all of a sudden? Did it go into a dive deeper in the pelvis?
Maybe they will wheel me down for another sonogram?
Being in the presence of these last events, being with my body, trying to get still and listen... it feels to me that surgery is the better way to go at this point.
I shed some tears over that.
Deciding to be depended on more help for at least another month, not going back to doing Joureywork for another long while, being cut into, and even just the outlook on having to eat this low quality hospital food, all hold a certain amount of discomfort, sadness and even guilt.
Yet I don't know any longer how to live life with this hammer hanging over my head that could come down again so fast and so without warning.
I will leave you here. My nurse will come any moment with the order to get me to do some walking,
More news to come!
LOVE!!
Tomma
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Report from Jimmy
Dear Wild Women of New England and beloved elders of Hamburg, et al!
Jimmy reporting here on a beautiful sunny day in Albany. Our dear Tomma is resting peacefully, looking much refreshed although of course a bit weary from her ordeal yestersday, the warm, cloudsplit light of pre-spring (please God, let it be not much in the "pre" dept) sun makes her look even more beautiful than normal. And she looks much, much better than yesterday, I can tell you that. That was a hard day for her as I think you know by now.
First and most important news is that her pain has subsided to occasional twinges: no pain killers since yesterday at 4, much like her last visit 6 weeks ago. With the shift in pain as the dominant focus, she's able to consider the various factors leading to her next course of action.
to whit: this morning the surgeon who partners Dr. Timmins (it's not his turn in the barrel this weekend, he's with his family) examined our dear Tomster (male affectionate phrase) and said "We need to get pre-op tests done today, then make a plan to get them out. Let's not postpone surgery indefinitely this time, but get them out."
She will stay in the hospital overnight and Dr. Timmons will examine her tomorrow morning, then they will check their surgery schedule to see when she might be able to have it done.
This isn't to say she has decided completely to do that. She realizes that she can go home, continue to do her personal therapies and remedies and hope to have continued progress. But she also knows she is likely to have another attack of pain, and this was a very sobering experience for her yesterday, as she believed that was behind her. These nasty little puppies can flip over and torse (twist) at any time, apparently, and the experience of that pain is something she's not all that willing to go through again. Duh!
So I'm not mischaracterizing her mood or mine either for that matter to report that surgery seems like a more viable and attractive option (as much as it can be attractive, that is) than it did 6 weeks ago. And that's the way she's leaning at this time.
Once she's had more tests (chest X-ray and EKG) to assess her robustitude (my own word) for surgery, then it's just a matter of the "shedule" (for those of you of the Brit persuasion.)
The EKG nurse just walked in with her mobile EKG telecenter. Pretty neat. she did the entire procedure in about 4 minutes, about as long as it took me to type in the two paragraphs above (and I'm a fast typist). She was a 50-something, bleach-blond, tired seeming (smoker?) lady who had that breezy but detached demeanor you might expect at a turnpike diner, someone who has been there a lot of years, has seen it all, and gives you the best she's got at the moment.
She said "Looks good" after the EKG and rolled off down the hallway to her next stop.
I ask Tomma how she's feeling now. "Between 1 and 2" she says, describing her pain level, "stomach a little empty", chewing on her cod liver and primrose oil gel caps. She loves to chew on those capsules. Most of us swallow them down and that's quite sufficient, but I think she enjoys the bouncy rubbery workout the gel gives her jaw muscles.
Now the nurse, Bob, a stocky fellow in his late 30s-early 40s with a very short crew cut and the slightest sibilancy in his speech, comes in to tell T it's time to go down for her chest X-Ray. He demonstrates his caring professionalism when we ask if the timing (it's lunch time and the meals are arriving in their stacked carts in the hall) means she'll miss her meal.
"If it comes before you get back," he says, eyes rolling up as he runs through the options at his disposal, "we'll take care of it." I pipe up that I can always run down to the cafeteria and bring something up, if that's hospital-legal, and he answers, "Oh no, no problem, I can always order something up any time. Now you wanted vegetarian," he says, turning to Tomma, "if possible, right?" she nods and he moves out after promising to do his best to get her the meal she wants. Good guy.
Tomma stands up to go to the gurney in the hall for transport down to X-ray. There's a thin red line of blood backing up from the IV insertion point ,under the tape on her arm, to the connector...Bob had just unplugged the IV. It reminds me of the thin spidery veins I've seen in photos of fertilized chicken's eggs, or maybe it was human embryo in the earliest stages. How infinitely fragile and incomprehensibly complex our biology is and our human lives are. And how far we have to go when we still live in a world that sends our young to savage places to have that fragile biology smashed and ruined, in the name of...what, really? Why is that ever an option? We all begin as spider veins in yolks, such a miracle, to be thrown away with such a lack of resolve to say "No. No, never again."
Back to Tomma: She's standing up, takes a step or two, bends down. "Whatsa matter?" I ask, my characteristic leap-to-the-rescue response to anything out of the ordinary - she makes fun of me when I say that - and I reach out to support her, thinking she's maybe suddenly ill or in pain. "Just getting my slippers." She steps into them, I walk her to the gurney, gently admonishing her to ask for things instead of always doing everything herself. "That, m'love, is what I'm here for. Let yourself be pampered. I don't have anything else to do here anyway, I'm bored out of my skull."
She nods, her way of acknowledging me without necessarily agreeing with my point of view - our dear independent minded Tomma - and once prostrate again on the hall gurney, about to be ambulated by the thin, short Indonesian who asks, in broken English, "Is alry she walk to here?" (meaning the gurney, which she's already walked to of course), she starts to tug at the heel flaps of her slippers, then lets me finish the job of pulling them up over her heels.
That's my big contribution as she wheels off down to Xray, whilst I stay here to guard the grapes and food supplements that I brought in this morning. The grapes may be purloined though: she doesn't like them, whereas I find them absolutely yummy. And in the absence of mobility and activity, I never lose my interest in tasty food.
Speaking of which, Nini is fine at home. I laid in a stock of comestibles from Hammer...Haver? fords on my way home last night. Very nice supermarket with a lush produce section and lots of alternative foods, plus a killer frozen food section, the temporary bachelor's refuge from actual menu decisions and preparing activities.
Nini's recovering from a nasty bug that got into her ears, she's taking antibiotics. She helped out yesterday by feeding Jackie and keeping the fire going and seems to take to having the house to herself just fine. Nini's never seemed to feel abandoned or deprived much by being home on her own. I told her if she wanted to have her boyfriend over today, if he could get a ride, then I'll take them both to school in the morning, and all that would be fine as long as they were both feeling better. They don't need to pass their illness (he's been sick with a serious lung infection for weeks) back and forth as much as their hormones might urge them to do. So Nini seems just fine.
And that dear readers is your mid day Sunday report from room 6202-B, St. Peter's Hospital in Albany, NY. Skip over the boring parts, take heart in Tomma's good cheer and ruddy color and bright blue eyes, and smoke 'em if you got 'em. I mean, call if you like, here's her number again at least through tomorrow: 518 525 7499.
Have a great Sunday and thank you so much for your support. I think you know how much it means to her. It's like a life force giving her energy. If nothing else stays with you from this long missive, let it be that.
Love from us both, bon voyage to the Antigua-ettes, and to paraphrase Garrison Keillor, do good play and keep in touch.
your field reporter Jimmy von Krankenshortz
Jimmy reporting here on a beautiful sunny day in Albany. Our dear Tomma is resting peacefully, looking much refreshed although of course a bit weary from her ordeal yestersday, the warm, cloudsplit light of pre-spring (please God, let it be not much in the "pre" dept) sun makes her look even more beautiful than normal. And she looks much, much better than yesterday, I can tell you that. That was a hard day for her as I think you know by now.
First and most important news is that her pain has subsided to occasional twinges: no pain killers since yesterday at 4, much like her last visit 6 weeks ago. With the shift in pain as the dominant focus, she's able to consider the various factors leading to her next course of action.
to whit: this morning the surgeon who partners Dr. Timmins (it's not his turn in the barrel this weekend, he's with his family) examined our dear Tomster (male affectionate phrase) and said "We need to get pre-op tests done today, then make a plan to get them out. Let's not postpone surgery indefinitely this time, but get them out."
She will stay in the hospital overnight and Dr. Timmons will examine her tomorrow morning, then they will check their surgery schedule to see when she might be able to have it done.
This isn't to say she has decided completely to do that. She realizes that she can go home, continue to do her personal therapies and remedies and hope to have continued progress. But she also knows she is likely to have another attack of pain, and this was a very sobering experience for her yesterday, as she believed that was behind her. These nasty little puppies can flip over and torse (twist) at any time, apparently, and the experience of that pain is something she's not all that willing to go through again. Duh!
So I'm not mischaracterizing her mood or mine either for that matter to report that surgery seems like a more viable and attractive option (as much as it can be attractive, that is) than it did 6 weeks ago. And that's the way she's leaning at this time.
Once she's had more tests (chest X-ray and EKG) to assess her robustitude (my own word) for surgery, then it's just a matter of the "shedule" (for those of you of the Brit persuasion.)
The EKG nurse just walked in with her mobile EKG telecenter. Pretty neat. she did the entire procedure in about 4 minutes, about as long as it took me to type in the two paragraphs above (and I'm a fast typist). She was a 50-something, bleach-blond, tired seeming (smoker?) lady who had that breezy but detached demeanor you might expect at a turnpike diner, someone who has been there a lot of years, has seen it all, and gives you the best she's got at the moment.
She said "Looks good" after the EKG and rolled off down the hallway to her next stop.
I ask Tomma how she's feeling now. "Between 1 and 2" she says, describing her pain level, "stomach a little empty", chewing on her cod liver and primrose oil gel caps. She loves to chew on those capsules. Most of us swallow them down and that's quite sufficient, but I think she enjoys the bouncy rubbery workout the gel gives her jaw muscles.
Now the nurse, Bob, a stocky fellow in his late 30s-early 40s with a very short crew cut and the slightest sibilancy in his speech, comes in to tell T it's time to go down for her chest X-Ray. He demonstrates his caring professionalism when we ask if the timing (it's lunch time and the meals are arriving in their stacked carts in the hall) means she'll miss her meal.
"If it comes before you get back," he says, eyes rolling up as he runs through the options at his disposal, "we'll take care of it." I pipe up that I can always run down to the cafeteria and bring something up, if that's hospital-legal, and he answers, "Oh no, no problem, I can always order something up any time. Now you wanted vegetarian," he says, turning to Tomma, "if possible, right?" she nods and he moves out after promising to do his best to get her the meal she wants. Good guy.
Tomma stands up to go to the gurney in the hall for transport down to X-ray. There's a thin red line of blood backing up from the IV insertion point ,under the tape on her arm, to the connector...Bob had just unplugged the IV. It reminds me of the thin spidery veins I've seen in photos of fertilized chicken's eggs, or maybe it was human embryo in the earliest stages. How infinitely fragile and incomprehensibly complex our biology is and our human lives are. And how far we have to go when we still live in a world that sends our young to savage places to have that fragile biology smashed and ruined, in the name of...what, really? Why is that ever an option? We all begin as spider veins in yolks, such a miracle, to be thrown away with such a lack of resolve to say "No. No, never again."
Back to Tomma: She's standing up, takes a step or two, bends down. "Whatsa matter?" I ask, my characteristic leap-to-the-rescue response to anything out of the ordinary - she makes fun of me when I say that - and I reach out to support her, thinking she's maybe suddenly ill or in pain. "Just getting my slippers." She steps into them, I walk her to the gurney, gently admonishing her to ask for things instead of always doing everything herself. "That, m'love, is what I'm here for. Let yourself be pampered. I don't have anything else to do here anyway, I'm bored out of my skull."
She nods, her way of acknowledging me without necessarily agreeing with my point of view - our dear independent minded Tomma - and once prostrate again on the hall gurney, about to be ambulated by the thin, short Indonesian who asks, in broken English, "Is alry she walk to here?" (meaning the gurney, which she's already walked to of course), she starts to tug at the heel flaps of her slippers, then lets me finish the job of pulling them up over her heels.
That's my big contribution as she wheels off down to Xray, whilst I stay here to guard the grapes and food supplements that I brought in this morning. The grapes may be purloined though: she doesn't like them, whereas I find them absolutely yummy. And in the absence of mobility and activity, I never lose my interest in tasty food.
Speaking of which, Nini is fine at home. I laid in a stock of comestibles from Hammer...Haver? fords on my way home last night. Very nice supermarket with a lush produce section and lots of alternative foods, plus a killer frozen food section, the temporary bachelor's refuge from actual menu decisions and preparing activities.
Nini's recovering from a nasty bug that got into her ears, she's taking antibiotics. She helped out yesterday by feeding Jackie and keeping the fire going and seems to take to having the house to herself just fine. Nini's never seemed to feel abandoned or deprived much by being home on her own. I told her if she wanted to have her boyfriend over today, if he could get a ride, then I'll take them both to school in the morning, and all that would be fine as long as they were both feeling better. They don't need to pass their illness (he's been sick with a serious lung infection for weeks) back and forth as much as their hormones might urge them to do. So Nini seems just fine.
And that dear readers is your mid day Sunday report from room 6202-B, St. Peter's Hospital in Albany, NY. Skip over the boring parts, take heart in Tomma's good cheer and ruddy color and bright blue eyes, and smoke 'em if you got 'em. I mean, call if you like, here's her number again at least through tomorrow: 518 525 7499.
Have a great Sunday and thank you so much for your support. I think you know how much it means to her. It's like a life force giving her energy. If nothing else stays with you from this long missive, let it be that.
Love from us both, bon voyage to the Antigua-ettes, and to paraphrase Garrison Keillor, do good play and keep in touch.
your field reporter Jimmy von Krankenshortz
Saturday, March 7, 2009
What a Day!!!
Wow, this has been quite a day!
Instead of packing for Antigua, back to Albany per ambulance.
Jimmy just left around 9:00 to go back home where Anina has been holding the fort, still not quite well herself, but at least feeling better all around... the antibiotics we got her yesterday are starting to work.
I have been through two rounds of "Delauded" however you spell that... this miracle-drug that it is. Man, you start loving that stuff! And, very similar to last time, after two rounds of it, the pain is subsiding naturally and magically on it's own. Pain was almost worse than last time, because it took so long to get me these drugs, and the morphine I was administered already in the ambulance just barely took the edge off.
Now I am upstairs on the 6th floor just as in Albany Med, and almost eerily, my room number 6202 seems to be a succession from the last one which was 601, even though this is a different hospital. (I went here because Dr Timmins actually operates out of St.Peters Hospital.)
My Jimmy was here all day, waiting and communicating to the emergency staff who is not too responsive and dragging their feet. Up here now, on the higher floor the care people are wonderful. Once I was out of the fog, he read a couple of chapters from our latest book to me. A VERY funny novel called "Handling Sin"
I will hopefully get a good night sleep... pain seems to be very exhausting for the body. Carol has offered to come in the morning. Jimmy will be back too. I will call or e-mail after I speak to the doctor.
My in room phone number, which we activated is: 518 525 7499 - I don't have my cell with me.
Funny, I am not even sad over not being able to go to Antigua. At least not right now. There was no mistaking where I needed to go today. The body yet again spoke clearly.
Of course there are questions. What does it really mean? Why now? Am I supposed to let go of the vision and conviction my body is doing this healing on it's own? Why have I been taken down this path, when now it seems a surgery would feel like a 180 degree turn? Why did it seem I was being taught to learn to trust this path would take me there?
Again there must be a greater purpose for these recent events. Something is being offered to me. I just don't know what it is yet.
Goddesses, I will be soaking up the sun, long distance through your pores, will be drinking in the warm moist air through your lungs, and feeling the soft white sand through the soles of your feet... I truly am with you there in spirit.
Signing off for some sleep now...
Sending you all love spread as you are soon over such vast distances of this earth, Northeast US, Caribbean, Chile, and Germany.
Instead of packing for Antigua, back to Albany per ambulance.
Jimmy just left around 9:00 to go back home where Anina has been holding the fort, still not quite well herself, but at least feeling better all around... the antibiotics we got her yesterday are starting to work.
I have been through two rounds of "Delauded" however you spell that... this miracle-drug that it is. Man, you start loving that stuff! And, very similar to last time, after two rounds of it, the pain is subsiding naturally and magically on it's own. Pain was almost worse than last time, because it took so long to get me these drugs, and the morphine I was administered already in the ambulance just barely took the edge off.
Now I am upstairs on the 6th floor just as in Albany Med, and almost eerily, my room number 6202 seems to be a succession from the last one which was 601, even though this is a different hospital. (I went here because Dr Timmins actually operates out of St.Peters Hospital.)
My Jimmy was here all day, waiting and communicating to the emergency staff who is not too responsive and dragging their feet. Up here now, on the higher floor the care people are wonderful. Once I was out of the fog, he read a couple of chapters from our latest book to me. A VERY funny novel called "Handling Sin"
I will hopefully get a good night sleep... pain seems to be very exhausting for the body. Carol has offered to come in the morning. Jimmy will be back too. I will call or e-mail after I speak to the doctor.
My in room phone number, which we activated is: 518 525 7499 - I don't have my cell with me.
Funny, I am not even sad over not being able to go to Antigua. At least not right now. There was no mistaking where I needed to go today. The body yet again spoke clearly.
Of course there are questions. What does it really mean? Why now? Am I supposed to let go of the vision and conviction my body is doing this healing on it's own? Why have I been taken down this path, when now it seems a surgery would feel like a 180 degree turn? Why did it seem I was being taught to learn to trust this path would take me there?
Again there must be a greater purpose for these recent events. Something is being offered to me. I just don't know what it is yet.
Goddesses, I will be soaking up the sun, long distance through your pores, will be drinking in the warm moist air through your lungs, and feeling the soft white sand through the soles of your feet... I truly am with you there in spirit.
Signing off for some sleep now...
Sending you all love spread as you are soon over such vast distances of this earth, Northeast US, Caribbean, Chile, and Germany.
Back to the Hospital!!!!
Annabel 4:48 pm
Suzi and all Goddess Sisters--
It's 4:30 and I just got off the phone with Jimmy, extensively, and briefly with Tomma.
The surgeon will come in in the morning and then they'll have the big conversation: seems to be the choice between an exploratory mission inside her body to determine what's up or, alternatively, just do surgery and cut out the cysts.
Tomma's been in emergency since about 11 this morning and soon she'll go into a real room for some rest finally. Her pain has been intense. She had a codeine derivative at home, then morphine in the ambulance, then delaudid in the hospital which seems to last about 3 1/2 hours so she's about to have her second dose. The dermoid cyst has possibly shrunk by half. Tomma thinks they were about 11 cm at the beginning all those weeks ago. The way Tomma understands it now it measures about 5 cm, although there seems to be some disagreement about those numbers. The doctor there said the dermoids didn't shrink About half an hour from when she first felt the pain until it was intolerable.
They did a sonogram/ultrasound so far. A Cat scan is likely in he morning. No other tests are ordered at the moment.
What a powerful time we are in! What powerful manifesters we are! We are creating the realities that truly work best for us! Tomma in the safety of Jimmy's care and where the doctor is who is in touch with her progress! Denise taking the R&R she so very much needs with our sisters! Patrice manifesting the cash she required! Mary, Lydia, Suzi, Maria, Lise, Peggy all blessed with your loving partners and your miraculous trips to Antigua to see our powerful Caribbean goddess and her amazing mother and loving partner just celebrating their anniversary!
Patrice 2:16 pm
Dearests,
I am so grateful to the Universe in its Divine Perfection.
Though we were so wanting you Tomma to be with us In Antigua
the Divine Goddess of Perfection had a different Plan.
I am so grateful Jimmy is with our Tomma and that this is happening today
and not Tomorrow or MOnday.
I will see how my day goes...I have massage tonight at 9pm and maybe tomorrow am and
definitely tomorrow at 1pm...Dont think I can get there now...
So I am Sending much Love and Light and Faith that everything is happening in Divine Perfection.
I am with you Tomma,we are with you...all is well.
I so honour the incredible, strong, hard working, now receiving love and support from more and more Sources.
I am so privledged to call you friend.
Sending you PEace
Giant Hugs
Patrice
Suzi 1:58 pm
Update from Jimmy at 2pm :
Sonogram taken, showed no emergency situation (like a hemorrhage). They are waiting for the doctor to read the results.
Tomma is drowsing on her Delaudan drip, dawling.
Jimmy is handling calls and keeping watch.
All for now. Mary and Lydi and I leaving at 5:30. xoxoxo S
Lise 12:57 am
oh gosh,
in the midst of packing and smiling at the soon surf sand and sun, and this, ...
interesting, two days ago I had this flash of something going wrong with Tomma while we were there, and it was a very uncomfortable feeling! I am soooooooooo grateful for the physical connection to Tomma's body that is evident here
took Jimmy's number, will call a little late,
holding the light and the love
L
Suzi 11:48 am Saturdat 3/7/09
Dearest Receivers and Senders of Immaculate and Ceaseless Light,
The Divine obviously has us in her Pussy.
Tomma and Jimmy made a trip, via ambulance this morning to St. Peter’s hospital in Albany.
Tomma had a return of great pain in her abdomen.
She is currently on pain meds and waiting for the doctor on call to examine her and begin a round of tests to determine what is next.
Dr. Timmons, the gyn/oncologist who we dealt with last time is not on call today, so Tomma is being seen by a woman.
Jimmy is with her and ready to receive any and all call of love and support. His cell is 518 577 2269.
They do have Tomma’s computer, so she will have access to love notes.
So. This means that Tomma is not flying to Antigua with us tomorrow morning.
This does mean that she and Jimmy will spend the next days sorting out her care plan.
Annabel is the midst of performing and her move.
Karen is hanging her show on Tuesday in Pittsfield. She is in the Adirondacks right now, snowshoeing naked I think.
Patrice and Maria are leaving for Antigua on Monday.
Denise, Peggy, Sarah and soon Lise’ are on the island. Mahn.
Lydi, Mary and I will be leaving this evening for the city and flying out Sunday morning.
I am not able to drive to Albany right now. I don’t think that is necessary. I do think, based on what happens today, that a visit by someone tomorrow would be lovely.
I will stay in touch with Jimmy and communicate before I leave tonight.
I am here, in absolute awe at Tomma’s perfect timing. At her surrender to pleasure this week, by agreeing to take the leap and travel. And by her body’s incredibly astute wisdom to let her know that in fact, an island vacation was not quite the thing she needed. And for Jimmy’s gorgeous presence and love for Tomma, I am completely grateful.
So, sunny days to all. I am sending you each all my love. Call me on the home phone if you need me.
Yours, S
Suzi Banks Baum
Suzi and all Goddess Sisters--
It's 4:30 and I just got off the phone with Jimmy, extensively, and briefly with Tomma.
The surgeon will come in in the morning and then they'll have the big conversation: seems to be the choice between an exploratory mission inside her body to determine what's up or, alternatively, just do surgery and cut out the cysts.
Tomma's been in emergency since about 11 this morning and soon she'll go into a real room for some rest finally. Her pain has been intense. She had a codeine derivative at home, then morphine in the ambulance, then delaudid in the hospital which seems to last about 3 1/2 hours so she's about to have her second dose. The dermoid cyst has possibly shrunk by half. Tomma thinks they were about 11 cm at the beginning all those weeks ago. The way Tomma understands it now it measures about 5 cm, although there seems to be some disagreement about those numbers. The doctor there said the dermoids didn't shrink About half an hour from when she first felt the pain until it was intolerable.
They did a sonogram/ultrasound so far. A Cat scan is likely in he morning. No other tests are ordered at the moment.
What a powerful time we are in! What powerful manifesters we are! We are creating the realities that truly work best for us! Tomma in the safety of Jimmy's care and where the doctor is who is in touch with her progress! Denise taking the R&R she so very much needs with our sisters! Patrice manifesting the cash she required! Mary, Lydia, Suzi, Maria, Lise, Peggy all blessed with your loving partners and your miraculous trips to Antigua to see our powerful Caribbean goddess and her amazing mother and loving partner just celebrating their anniversary!
Patrice 2:16 pm
Dearests,
I am so grateful to the Universe in its Divine Perfection.
Though we were so wanting you Tomma to be with us In Antigua
the Divine Goddess of Perfection had a different Plan.
I am so grateful Jimmy is with our Tomma and that this is happening today
and not Tomorrow or MOnday.
I will see how my day goes...I have massage tonight at 9pm and maybe tomorrow am and
definitely tomorrow at 1pm...Dont think I can get there now...
So I am Sending much Love and Light and Faith that everything is happening in Divine Perfection.
I am with you Tomma,we are with you...all is well.
I so honour the incredible, strong, hard working, now receiving love and support from more and more Sources.
I am so privledged to call you friend.
Sending you PEace
Giant Hugs
Patrice
Suzi 1:58 pm
Update from Jimmy at 2pm :
Sonogram taken, showed no emergency situation (like a hemorrhage). They are waiting for the doctor to read the results.
Tomma is drowsing on her Delaudan drip, dawling.
Jimmy is handling calls and keeping watch.
All for now. Mary and Lydi and I leaving at 5:30. xoxoxo S
Lise 12:57 am
oh gosh,
in the midst of packing and smiling at the soon surf sand and sun, and this, ...
interesting, two days ago I had this flash of something going wrong with Tomma while we were there, and it was a very uncomfortable feeling! I am soooooooooo grateful for the physical connection to Tomma's body that is evident here
took Jimmy's number, will call a little late,
holding the light and the love
L
Suzi 11:48 am Saturdat 3/7/09
Dearest Receivers and Senders of Immaculate and Ceaseless Light,
The Divine obviously has us in her Pussy.
Tomma and Jimmy made a trip, via ambulance this morning to St. Peter’s hospital in Albany.
Tomma had a return of great pain in her abdomen.
She is currently on pain meds and waiting for the doctor on call to examine her and begin a round of tests to determine what is next.
Dr. Timmons, the gyn/oncologist who we dealt with last time is not on call today, so Tomma is being seen by a woman.
Jimmy is with her and ready to receive any and all call of love and support. His cell is 518 577 2269.
They do have Tomma’s computer, so she will have access to love notes.
So. This means that Tomma is not flying to Antigua with us tomorrow morning.
This does mean that she and Jimmy will spend the next days sorting out her care plan.
Annabel is the midst of performing and her move.
Karen is hanging her show on Tuesday in Pittsfield. She is in the Adirondacks right now, snowshoeing naked I think.
Patrice and Maria are leaving for Antigua on Monday.
Denise, Peggy, Sarah and soon Lise’ are on the island. Mahn.
Lydi, Mary and I will be leaving this evening for the city and flying out Sunday morning.
I am not able to drive to Albany right now. I don’t think that is necessary. I do think, based on what happens today, that a visit by someone tomorrow would be lovely.
I will stay in touch with Jimmy and communicate before I leave tonight.
I am here, in absolute awe at Tomma’s perfect timing. At her surrender to pleasure this week, by agreeing to take the leap and travel. And by her body’s incredibly astute wisdom to let her know that in fact, an island vacation was not quite the thing she needed. And for Jimmy’s gorgeous presence and love for Tomma, I am completely grateful.
So, sunny days to all. I am sending you each all my love. Call me on the home phone if you need me.
Yours, S
Suzi Banks Baum
Friday, March 6, 2009
Surprise Gift
Tomorrow I am flying to Antigua!!!!
My mooncircle goddesses already knows this, because we are all going. (Well, almost all) We have envisioned this trip for many years now and up until a few days ago, it looked like only three of us were going. Everybody had a different reason that very unfortunately prevented them from leaving home.
But then....
...David gifted Mary with a ticket on Tuesday, and when I told Jimmy about that on Wednesday, he said: "I can do that too, honey, you should really go!" And when I called Mary to recoordinate the reservation so we could fly together, I found this great direct flight at such a low rate, and when Lydia heard about that, Bob decided to give her a ticket too, and then all of a sudden Suzi really wanted to come too, and even though our rate was sold out, she found the same flight coming back... and finally Maria and Patrice just couldn't bear staying behind either... and thus... within a matter of about 12 hours... 6 more flights got booked to Antigua, where Sarah is now full of excitement getting her Mom's home ready to squeeze us all in... because now 9 of us will be arriving!!!
Only 4 days for Mary, Lydia, Suzi and me, but those 4 days will be just gorgeous!
This was us last Summer for Sarah's 50th birthday party, in special outfits anticipating our trip:
Patrice, Maria, Denise, Mary, Karen (who has to stay behind with Annabel) Lise (with hat) Lydia, Peggy and me, Tomma, only Suzi is missing in this picture, she probably took it.
My mooncircle goddesses already knows this, because we are all going. (Well, almost all) We have envisioned this trip for many years now and up until a few days ago, it looked like only three of us were going. Everybody had a different reason that very unfortunately prevented them from leaving home.
But then....
...David gifted Mary with a ticket on Tuesday, and when I told Jimmy about that on Wednesday, he said: "I can do that too, honey, you should really go!" And when I called Mary to recoordinate the reservation so we could fly together, I found this great direct flight at such a low rate, and when Lydia heard about that, Bob decided to give her a ticket too, and then all of a sudden Suzi really wanted to come too, and even though our rate was sold out, she found the same flight coming back... and finally Maria and Patrice just couldn't bear staying behind either... and thus... within a matter of about 12 hours... 6 more flights got booked to Antigua, where Sarah is now full of excitement getting her Mom's home ready to squeeze us all in... because now 9 of us will be arriving!!!
Only 4 days for Mary, Lydia, Suzi and me, but those 4 days will be just gorgeous!
This was us last Summer for Sarah's 50th birthday party, in special outfits anticipating our trip:
Patrice, Maria, Denise, Mary, Karen (who has to stay behind with Annabel) Lise (with hat) Lydia, Peggy and me, Tomma, only Suzi is missing in this picture, she probably took it.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
A Last "Numbers" Update
OK!
I feel I do have the evidence that the big one shrank.
Very little, but in my mind distinctly evident.
I was going to lay down all the corrected and complete numbers from the reports that were faxed to me this morning before your eyes, and then our Lise sent me a very well timed e-mail and reminded me that one might not need to spend so much time with the past manifestations of something that is after all ever changing. Ahhh, healing lives in the realm of the miraculous, it just allows physical form to return to a deeper truth.
So, it's done. My inquisitive mind is at peace. I had made four drawings of the four different images to see them in front of me... and I am satisfied. No more doubt.
In fact, I think this whole recent episode was divinely orchestrated to let me learn that I indeed do not need to pay any attention to outside "evidence" ...that my inner voice, and my inner guidance is perfectly tuned in, that I am watched and protected, that I can just relax and trust that this is all I need to follow. I want to do that. I am ready to continue to do that.
I love you all very much!!!
Tomma
I feel I do have the evidence that the big one shrank.
Very little, but in my mind distinctly evident.
I was going to lay down all the corrected and complete numbers from the reports that were faxed to me this morning before your eyes, and then our Lise sent me a very well timed e-mail and reminded me that one might not need to spend so much time with the past manifestations of something that is after all ever changing. Ahhh, healing lives in the realm of the miraculous, it just allows physical form to return to a deeper truth.
So, it's done. My inquisitive mind is at peace. I had made four drawings of the four different images to see them in front of me... and I am satisfied. No more doubt.
In fact, I think this whole recent episode was divinely orchestrated to let me learn that I indeed do not need to pay any attention to outside "evidence" ...that my inner voice, and my inner guidance is perfectly tuned in, that I am watched and protected, that I can just relax and trust that this is all I need to follow. I want to do that. I am ready to continue to do that.
I love you all very much!!!
Tomma
Monday, March 2, 2009
Numbers
Well, This is really interesting.
The numbers could mean they have already shrunk, or it could mean they have not yet.
As far as I understood Beth earlier today, this is what they are:
Sonogram GB 1/24......... 11.2 by 10.6 by 6.8
Catscan GB same day..... ( 10.5 by 9.9 )
MRI Albany Med 1/26....... 10.5 by 10.2 by 6.4
Sonogram Alb. M. 2/27.... 10.8 by 7.3
So, unless I got those numbers wrong of the Catsacn and the Songram in GB in January... boy, are those measurements accurate? Maybe not at all. Those images were taken within merely a couple of hours of each other, and that much of a difference? The Catscan probably being the unreliable one, because it was taken without contrast fluid. So, if the second measurement of the last Sonogram relates to the second measurements of both MRI and first Sonogram, then the cyst has lost 3 cm of it's width. That wouldn't be bad.
All in all I am feeling pretty good, I have very solidly arrived at the conviction that I have done "good work", and that the lack of obvious number change is not due to me having done something wrong, or missed something or having failed, but that these two just simply do take more time. I can make room for that.
I continue to take the Hydrogen Peroxide which takes me through bouts of detox during which I am a bit nauseous... Jimmy too is clearly seeing the effects in his fluctuating state of being too. Good stuff. At first I thought about jumping right in and doing another journey over the weekend, but then my gut feeling said: Take a rest! Just let it unfold for a while. You have done so much. You can trust this. Breathe a little. Just be.
My family in Germany jumped into gear and looked for other feedback. Most notably my sweet aunt talked to a healer she has worked with often and who seems to give reliable readings. He confirmed my mental work has created first a stagnation and now the beginning of a reversal. He too sees them going away. He feels I need to increase my intake of minerals to support the process. Well, that should be easy.
I may get the test reports faxed to me... would love to look at those number finally myself.
Love you!!
Tomma
The numbers could mean they have already shrunk, or it could mean they have not yet.
As far as I understood Beth earlier today, this is what they are:
Sonogram GB 1/24......... 11.2 by 10.6 by 6.8
Catscan GB same day..... ( 10.5 by 9.9 )
MRI Albany Med 1/26....... 10.5 by 10.2 by 6.4
Sonogram Alb. M. 2/27.... 10.8 by 7.3
So, unless I got those numbers wrong of the Catsacn and the Songram in GB in January... boy, are those measurements accurate? Maybe not at all. Those images were taken within merely a couple of hours of each other, and that much of a difference? The Catscan probably being the unreliable one, because it was taken without contrast fluid. So, if the second measurement of the last Sonogram relates to the second measurements of both MRI and first Sonogram, then the cyst has lost 3 cm of it's width. That wouldn't be bad.
All in all I am feeling pretty good, I have very solidly arrived at the conviction that I have done "good work", and that the lack of obvious number change is not due to me having done something wrong, or missed something or having failed, but that these two just simply do take more time. I can make room for that.
I continue to take the Hydrogen Peroxide which takes me through bouts of detox during which I am a bit nauseous... Jimmy too is clearly seeing the effects in his fluctuating state of being too. Good stuff. At first I thought about jumping right in and doing another journey over the weekend, but then my gut feeling said: Take a rest! Just let it unfold for a while. You have done so much. You can trust this. Breathe a little. Just be.
My family in Germany jumped into gear and looked for other feedback. Most notably my sweet aunt talked to a healer she has worked with often and who seems to give reliable readings. He confirmed my mental work has created first a stagnation and now the beginning of a reversal. He too sees them going away. He feels I need to increase my intake of minerals to support the process. Well, that should be easy.
I may get the test reports faxed to me... would love to look at those number finally myself.
Love you!!
Tomma
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