Waiting fr the Doctor

Sweet friends,

It is Monday 10:00 and I am waiting for the Dcotor. Turns out Dr Timmins is not in Albany today, but down in their facility in Poughkeepsie, so Dr McSomething is coming back to see me. I treated myself to a few more light doses of Delahted yesterday to bypass the gas pains which show up without fail when my body stops moving and has to digest unfamiliar food.

During the night something else started happening: a different sharp kind of pain that radiated into the Vagina, the lower pelvic bones and even down into the leg. Distinctly different from the cystic pain of Saturday and also from the gas moving through the colon. I also can't feel the shape of the fluid cyst any more. At least according to my personal theory: the "energy bubble", that I have been wondering abut, this peculiar round mass that has been moving around to different locations in my belly... when they took the last Ultrasound on Saturday I realized that the place she found the cyst was indentical with this bubble, and it was down low, not up high where it had been recorded last week at Albany Med. Hmmm. So I figured this WAS the cyst after all, and I have been keeping track of its location and feel not only throughout these last days... but of course I had already been watching it over the past couple of weeks. So, this one is all of a sudden not clearly palpable any more. Who knows what that means?? Did it deflate all of a sudden? Did it go into a dive deeper in the pelvis?

Maybe they will wheel me down for another sonogram?

Being in the presence of these last events, being with my body, trying to get still and listen... it feels to me that surgery is the better way to go at this point.

I shed some tears over that.
Deciding to be depended on more help for at least another month, not going back to doing Joureywork for another long while, being cut into, and even just the outlook on having to eat this low quality hospital food, all hold a certain amount of discomfort, sadness and even guilt.

Yet I don't know any longer how to live life with this hammer hanging over my head that could come down again so fast and so without warning.

I will leave you here. My nurse will come any moment with the order to get me to do some walking,
More news to come!

LOVE!!
Tomma