Realizations

Friday, June 16th

During the meditation practice after breakfast I had a whole series of realizations.

When Jimmy and I arrived last night and sat down in the old dining hall for dinner, I was aware how I observe people I don't know. The two women across the table were talking and talking and didn't look at us at all. Now, I am almost embarrassed to write this down, but this is what I paid attention to: I noticed the jewelery they wore, both more than me: rings with many sparkling stones, a watch, and yes, that could have been an expensive watch, the hair: well combed and cared for with fashionable sunglasses pulled up over the forehead on one while the other hair was rather fluffy and out of bounds, the gestures and body language of the first: relaxed and selfassured.

I wasn't naming those observations to myself, I just took them in and a little later I noticed that I was reminded of watching the really cool girls one grade above me during the break at school - from a distance. And I thought: This is really an old habit that creeps in here.

So, this morning during meditation I thought back to this experience at dinner and all of a sudden it became very clear and I saw what I have been doing for most of my life. I am evaluating people. In this old way of looking at a fellow human being, I try to read whether this person is wealthy, powerful or influential, valued by others, educated maybe, creative or interesting looking, and... here comes the conclusion: I am doing this, because I want to find out whether this person ranks above or below me... if this is someone who has something I don't have, something to GIVE to me... or if it is someone who has nothing much to offer.

And the following confession is embarrassing too. Next I realized that I have played a game over and over again, a game in which I will pick a person somewhere above me and make it my goal to be recognized by this person, in fact I don't rest until I have worked my way up so that in the end I am able to give something to this person, all the while I dream of being someone important to them. And I don't always succeed. Wow. THAT'S what I have done?? Yep. I think so. More than once.

What if I could meet another human being without all this old crap? Just free. Just in complete welcome. Seeing the perfection of this meeting. No matter who. NO MATTER WHO.

That was # one.

Next I thought that it would be really nice to speak with Jimmy about our intention for this retreat. To massage some juice into a really good experience. What am I hoping for is not only to learn something about meditation, but also... to meet people, people we might both have some synchronicities with, some interesting and inspiring conversations with, maybe even people who will end up leading me further in my life. And then I stopped myself and thought: Ho, wait a minute! WHAT am I doing here? Am I not setting myself up with a whole set of best, ok and disappointing results from this retreat? Am I giving myself a goal here? Isn't that what I did with my cysts? And wasn't I totally turned upside down? Yes. So why don't I absolutely let go of that? Why don't I just leave it up to life to give me what I need. And I wont care if I don't meet a single new person.

That was # two.

And finally, just before Mingyur Rinpoche came in for the first teaching of the day, I had another realization. About my work, my private practice. All of a sudden I understood something about why the first years have felt like such a struggle. It goes back to the question of giving. While it looks like I showed up with something to give to my clients, I really started from a place to needing them to need me. It actually feels like my need to be needed was bigger than my ability to give... of course that creates a mixed up energy! How would it have been if I had been able to give my work with pure generosity from the very beginning... with pure compassion? Doesn't really matter now, does it. What matters is that I now see the difference. It's not that I had a hard time interacting from that place once someone sat down with me in my living room. That was easy. I am talking about the process of attracting clients. Generosity and compassion, It feels like those could be a true anchor for my work and I will not forget that.

And that was # three.