The Question of Refuge - Update on Papi

Sunday, June 28th

I have the unanswered question hanging over my head whether or not to ask to take refuge with Minguyr Rinpoche.
I have talked with a few people about this during the last couple of days.

And today I have gained some clarity about my hesitation.

Yes, here it is with some surprise: This hesitation has its roots in fear.

I am afraid of some things!

I am afraid that once I make this official commitment, that I might fail to meet someones expectation, that I wont be considered a good enough Buddhist, that I could disappoint or fail in some way, because I am aware that I don't think of myself as a Buddhist and maybe never will, but I am thinking of myself as someone who is on a path toward enlightenment.
I am afraid that I will loose my freedom to explore other spiritual parts of life, of locking myself in.
I am afraid some people around me might have some kind of a judgement about me choosing the Buddhist path.

Yikes! Good to know what's been hiding in there.


Later...


After our second teaching of the day, the Rinpoche sat for a while with the discussion group I am in (about a third of the participants), to answer questions ... . The first two groups had their meetings with him earlier today. I had been chewing on my question for a long while and when the time came and I had the microphone, I said:
"I have been carrying the question of taking refuge with me. How do I know it is time to take this step, and how do I know I am not making a mistake?"
I was wondering if he might ask me what I was afraid of doing wrong, but he didn't.
He simply said: "When you are ready to accept the Buddha and the Darma and the Sangha as your path, then you do it."
and I thought: "Shit, I don't even remember exactly what the Dharma and the Sangha is." but I was too embarrassed to say that, and my next thought was: "Well, clearly... until I don't really know what it is I am committing to, I guess I am not ready to do it." and I was a little at a loss what to do with his answer. He said a few more words to expand the explanation... I don't remember right now. I noticed I felt a little... disappointed.

After dinner Jimmy and I walked to the edge of the little park that overlooks the river. Upstream, perched on the cliffs of the opposite bank we could see Westpoint Military Academy. What a curious placing of contrast! Then we saw a little trail leading into the forest that we took, that became a bigger trail, that joined a bigger path, that led over a bridge across the railway tracks and past a tiny beach onto a group of rocks with a bench on it. Crossing the railway we had seen a family of foxes play on the tracks! Was this a good omen?

Returned to our Institute there were 30 Min left of the evening meditation practice. As I sat on the double cushion, I practiced what we had learned today: a gentle surrender into whatever catches the meditative awareness away from simple, non thinking spaciousness... let that be sound, sight, thoughts, physical sensations, or emotions. Whatever shows up, you simply watch passing through by bringing it into your awareness. Toward the end I drifted into the emotions surrounding my decision about refuge, or lack thereof. I felt the fear, became aware of it and something started unraveling.

I sat there tears rolling down my face as I felt what it would be like to say YES. To say yes, in spite of all that I don't know, in spite of all that I have doubts about, in spite of all worries about what this might ask of me that I might find hard to meet... I felt this YES in my body and I sensed that the time of saying MAYBE was over, that life, yet again had put something in front of me... and that living fully meant, yet again, saying yes. In the same way I had said yes to becoming a Journey practitioner, I had said yes to the surgery, and I had said yes to going to Ottawa. Did it matter that I saw my mentors lining up and bowing to me? I don't know. Maybe I wanted to see them that way. What mattered was the intensity of the emotion and the sense that something old, timid and limiting was leaving with this decision.

I will have to wait until silence ends tomorrow to speak to someone, and to find out if this little ceremony can actually take place before I leave on Tuesday.



Saturday, June 27th

Dearest friends, just a little update on my father...

Not all continued they way he had wished. In spite of many offerings of pain medication, both orally as well as by IV, his pain did not subside during the first night. It was in fact quite unbearable. The pain pump could not be repaired as the clog was located in the surgically inserted portion. Not sure what the heck they were giving him... I had raved about Delauded, but their stuff has different names... so I don't know. Only know the pain stayed with him during the next day and into the next night. Yet again hardly any sleep.

I heard about it after we came out of morning silence here at the retreat. Gave him a call via skype and heard his tired and exhausted voice, he didn't even want me to lead him in some guided meditation, he was too worn out to give energy to anything. I contacted an energy healer my hosts in Ottawa had raved about, and also checked in myself... saw something like a crab. an entity, in his belly and removed that. There were some disempowering beliefs that had been lodged into this area and a new awareness that opened up when it was gone... not sure how much that actually affected him, but today he is overall feeling a little better. Later tonight I will work with Ted from Canada via phone on Papi and we'll see how that goes.

Now back down again into my discussion group.

Otherwise we are having a great time here!
Love you all
Tomma