New Thoughts

Thank you everybody for your sweet words of encouragement, love and empathy!!! I have taken it all in.


This morning I woke up and thought: somehow this doctor yesterday had been really vague in his description. He had used words like "pretty much the same", and "not really any change" but he had not give me hard numbers to compare, he hadn't said: 'look, this cyst was x centimeters here at the longest extension and it is still exactly the same here. And this one was y cm across then and this is what it measures now...'' He didn't say anything like that. No hard data. He showed me the 10 cm length on a ruler, and then added it "might" be even longer than that. And then kept explaining how hard it is to compare a sonogram to an MRI. Doesn't an MRI give dimensions? Aren't the dimensions of the sonogram very accurate? Either that thing IS 10 cm long now, or it isn't.

So I began to think that he may have looked at these two imaging results with his frame of reference and experience that cysts like that just don't shrink, and possibly dismissed some of the more subtle differences, might not have even looked for them.

I got up and called Fairview Hospital to get from them the longest dimensions of the cyst as they had measured it over a month ago, also to have them send the results to Beth Netter at the Center in Delmar. Unfortunately the radiology department is not staffed over the weekend, so I have to wait until Monday, BUT they assured me they will be able to give me those numbers over the phone. I will do the same with Albany Med. So, on Monday it seems I should be able to put some clear numbers next to each other and see what has really happened. And if there is just a small difference that will actually be enough! It will tell me that something HAS happened. That the body has responded, and that the growth is reversed.

Somehow that is still what I believe is happening.

These cysts have been growing slowly. Not like Brandon's tumor that grew explosively bigger by the week. Fast growth, fast reversal. Slow growth, slower turnaround. Either, cells replicate quickly, or they don't. Healing then happens in the same time proportion. Of course! How could it be otherwise?

This may be more than anything else an opportunity for me to trust my own perception, even against medical authority, and seemingly conclusive results.


I will keep you posted.
Love
Tomma

New Sonogram Results

Just got back from Albany Med.

Well, I am disappointed. There is not the significant change I had been hoping for, the change I had almost expected.

The radiologist who came in to go over the results with me, concluded there was really no change at all... my small hope is that could still come out different when Dr Timmins looks at the findings maybe with his own expertise. Maybe when he compares this sonogram to the one taken in Fairview Hospital. The longest dimension of the fluid one is still at 10 cm. The dermoid one is a bit disputed, because the woman doing the sonogram measured it as somewhat smaller, but the radiologist thinks there is a section beyond what she identified that is still part of it, and if so, then it also has not changed much at all.

I was so excited to go this morning. I am not sure what this means now.

Got to let this sink in.

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Hydrogen Peroxide Treatment

For anybody who wants to know more about Hydrogen Peroxide, here are a few articles to read:
The first contains a detailed recommendation for using it.

http://educate-yourself.org/cancer/benefitsofhydrogenperozide17jul03.shtml

http://educate-yourself.org/cn/hydrogenperoxidecancertherapybookexcerpt.shtml

http://www.cancertutor.com/Cancer/HydrogenPeroxide.html

http://www.garynull.com/Documents/Arthritis/Hydrogen_Peroxide_Therapy.htm

http://www.the-natural-path.com/hydrogen-peroxide-therapy.html
On this site they also recommend taking it with milk and certain juices.

I am now on my 12th day and would be up to 18 drops three times a day. I chose yesterday to slow down my intake as I was getting slightly nauseous. I can feel the peroxide in my body, mostly in my abdomen, where I can detect something like a low buzz. It feels like action. This is different from the pulling, and twinging sensation the cysts were doing through the earlier part of this month. Jimmy, who has been suffering from Candida for many years has started detoxing on a much lower dosage and is also taking it slow. Detox, or healing crisis is a good sign that things are happening. You don't ever want to make the mistake to stop the treatment during such a transition.

This is where I ordered my peroxide (Get a dropper bottle with it, unless you have one already) :
You get it in many other places too.
http://www.dfwx.com/h2o2.htm?gclid=CLzWncX4w5gCFQMnGgodWHDb1g

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Cindy today

Wow, this work really digs deep each time!

Coming home I was again, as last week totally whipped.
I filled her in on what had been happening, and she dug back into the pelvis and pulled up what was still sitting there.

The 5 year old me made the beginning. What she was afraid of, what she had needed, and what did she want now... not too much news here and neither any big new revelations, but she reached back and pulled up a handful of strings that all led back to other lifetimes, and as she pulled, they were released from they place of lodging and started floating up like a gaggle of kites, rising into the air. This seemed rather too effortless. Could it all be this easy now? Was it all freed up already? Somehow it wasn't complete yet.

And then we started on a journey into the distant pasts of other lifetimes. First in brief and alternating flashes. Morsels of the strands of life she was tied to: more pieces of being a victim, alternating with some where I was the perpetrator, not only in Egypt. As if layer by layer old stuff was being shed.

This sequence then turned into more elaborately told stories and of old themes:

First being a judge. Seeing myself in a black robe, residing over the law, over right and wrong, guilty and not guilty, deciding fate . Somehow I was invested in this role, but deep within the sharade of this game became visible. The impossibility of this attempt. Was it that I felt this myself at the time, or that now it became clear in the process of letting it go? That I don't know. All of this is such a fluid process, body, spirit and mind dancing a dance of liberation together, hand in hand. Sometimes not all feet are on the ground and one carries the other... Cindy pushes a spot, and the body speaks, pain, real physical pain lifts the lid into the past, pictures show up, the body releases, energy flows, the spirit guides the words being spoken, and through it all the mind receives a new understanding of something that is ready to be brought into consciousness.

Next as a soldier in battle with sword and shield. Defending nothing but more illusions with his life. Safety, protection, honor, power. All this bloodshed, for what?

Then some spots on the right side. Intense pain. About being a mother. God, what pain! A child I lost. In India. The illness, the hope the struggle, the grief. The disbelief, how could this happen? Why had I been so punished? It felt like a sentence from the Gods, a judgement. An event that shock up my then entire belief. That Indian self had thought she had done everything so well, her religious practice had been flawless, she had done everything she knew how, and she had felt rewarded, with a wealthy husband and beautiful daughter... and then everything crumbled. The husband distanced himself and then let go of me. I was degraded, replaced and later thrown out of the house... It don't know the laws of the ancient Indian society, but it seems I ended that life as an outcast in the streets.

As if the wails that escaped my lungs came right out of her throat. What was released here? It seems the wall that came down, the disconnection and insidious doubt, the distrust of the divine... and the powerlessness of being locked into the relentless laws of social ranking.

Over to the left. Here I found myself in Africa. Again a mother. Again a child was lost. This was a boy. He simply disappeared. Gone from one day to the next. Inexplicably. He had been my badge of honor. The firstborn son of the tribe chief, I his first wife. When he disappeared all of that went with it. My postion, my standing. All I could feel was absence of... all I heard was silent emptiness, not even pain, disorientation. Later it all turned into bitter inner battle. Groaning sounds gurgling out of my throat. The jealousy of the woman who took MY place, the pain of being a nobody when I should have been her, the rage, the anger, the attempts to curse her, spell her, and make her fall... and oh, the hatred I vomited into the earth, the withdrawl from her sacred all-giving presence, only wanting to cut myself from her earth-womb. And hating my own femaleness itself. - More painful disconnection.

Finally a return to center. Who am I a my core? What brings me back there? Stepping clear beyond the duality of being in power and being a victim, leaving both behind... The time of suffering is over. Am I ready? The me emerging carries so much less matter, is made up of so much more space.

At the very end I heard a piece of choral music, one I sung myself when I was young. I believe from the Brahms Requiem: "... von nun an..." from now on... I don't even remember what follows, but I heard the message: a new time is starting for me now. It starts now. Tears of gratitude... or love... or ...


What a month!!
Today is the 24th. Again.

Doris part two

Now the second part. I asked her about the entire string of memories connected to the guilt toward the Jewish people. Specifically I was curious if she could see more about that last former self in Egypt. And she did, saw me indeed in that lifetime as a member of the royal family, where I had in this position possessed unrestricted power over other people. Those strong words my past self had spoken at the campfire to the ones who gathered, the "unspeakable" horror of what I felt I had done, she saw reflected here as pure cruel experimentation with human life and total disregard of the dignity and sanctity of the people I ordered to be used. She didn't use these exact words to describe it, but I got the picture. And that's why it was so "unspeakable", because it happened without any larger "purpose" or pressure, just out of curiosity and utter absence of consciousness.

Doris, very kindly and wisely pointed out that this information is not here to increase the guilt I am carrying, but for the clarity and understanding of the balance that life seeks... meaning those of us who are currently here doing service and working on the side of the "light", have very often been just as much on the side of the "dark" in the past. Not that I didn't believe this before, it was good to be reminded at this very time.

It was a good session. I have much of it recorded and can go back and pick up more details. When so much is exchanged, some aspects recede into a fog.

Now I need to get ready to go to Cindy's one more time.

Life is good.

LOVE!
Tomma

Doris Cohen

My Session with Doris Cohen.

Well first the physical fact, which in my session came at the very end: She sees both cysts shrunk by at least a third. She sees no threat or any presence of cancer anywhere. She sees the fluid one just collapsing totally into itself. She sees the solid one getting smaller and smaller, but feels it may be a very healing experience to actually physically take it out of the body when it is small enough to do it with the tube thing. Physically removing the old manifestation of consciousness.

She works with guides and angles who show her images that relate to the various parts of the issue.

First thing she saw was a 5 year old me, very scared. This it turns out may not have been a past life experience, but from my actual childhood. A man touching me inappropriately and a woman covering it up and telling me not to speak about it. Not my mother. If this actually happened, it has been very well buried. No conscious memory is left anywhere. What fits though is the first piece of memory that came up in the Journey that later uncovered the rape, because at first I saw myself as also five years old, desperately kicking someone away in my defense. Hmmm. Only later at the campfire did my age change.

It may not be important to find out "the truth" of what happened, more importantly to understand the energy that's been locked in my pelvic region.

More past life scenarios became visible to her. Around shutting down sexuality. From being a monk, to being harrased by schoolboys in uniform, to a mother in the middle ages who abused me every which way possible. It was quite a line up.

Doris gave me a lot of short and potent exercises to clear this stuff out further. Interesting here that she works with numbers. 40 being a major one. 40 preceding any major change or transformation, whether that was the Jews in the desert before they reached the promised land, Jesus fasting before he went onto the cross, the days the seven plagues lasted... all major changes preceded by a repetition of 40 days. So: repetition of damaging experiences throughout various lifetimes needs to be responded to with repetition of healing in order to extract the energy completely. Hmmm. That was a new concept to me, but one that makes sense.

I have to take a break here to get dinner going with Anina's help... there is one more piece that is interesting to share and I will do that later...

Appointments

Quick update:

Got a call from Gail at Dr Timmins office. Yes, he has apparently agreed to the sonogram idea, as I have been given an appointment at Albany Med for this Friday at 10:30 am. Surprisingly he doesn't seem to feel we need to make any urgent decisions about any possible surgery, because my follow up appointment with him at his office is not until March 16th! That's over two weeks later! Hmmm... I was expecting to see him right on the same, or the very next day. Hmmm...

I think I am going to take this as a very good sign.

When my appointment with Doris had to be postponed because they wouldn't let me leave at the Oral Surgeon's place, I had fist been worried about not getting her help in the beginning of my retreat. But then I came to the realization that it must for some reason be the better thing happening for me. And what that translated into was: I don't need her help as urgently as I thought, I can, my body can, the universe can do this perfectly without her.

So, here too. If this is what the universe has planned for me, it must be because I really wont have to make an urgent decision. I take it it will be clear.

This afternoon I may already learn more about the current state of my belly as I am speaking to Doris.

I will report promptly.

Much love, my wonderful friends!!!
Tomma